Alice is right--he is obnoxious. I have one of these at home too.lol.
Who has been married for 15 years waiting for their H to get a clue? (yes, my hand is wildly waving in the air.lol).
Guess who needed to get a clue?? ME!
It's been me, all along. There is NO such thing as waiting for him to stop this.
He is waiting for YOU to stop this. And he's ticked that you aren't doing it!!
Men base their "moods" on their W"s. We are cheerful and happy no matter what? They become cheerful. Everything must be Ok if we are happy--they must be doing a decent job if we are happy, right? If we are constantly worried, paranoid, going on about this and that--omg--guys are ready to BOLT from Ws like that. You didn't do that when you were dating (course you had "in-love" drugs coursing through your veins at the time).
Your PMA is all he has to bring him out of his funk--YOU have to get more self-confidence and NOT REACT. Be happy! Fake it until you make it!! You hear that around here for a reason!!
And you know what H4L? Doing what I have been doing (detaching, GAL, walking away from him ) has made me so FLIPPIN HAPPY!!! He does of course still say obnoxious things--I DON"T CARE!!!
PLEASE--join me in this fabulous state--you are not going to regret it and will giggle like a kid all day long! I seriously have never known such freedom!
Oh, and come by my thread and see how naughty I've been, and I even got a pat on my head today.lol!
I think you're sensitive because he *is* offensive. And I call bullsh!t on him not realizing it's a problem. He damn well knows when he comes across as an insensitive, rude, know it all but gets off on playing the "What? Me? What did I do/say?" card because it lets him, yet again, point out that you're stupid/clueless/over emotional/etc. or whatever the insult du jour is. Seriously.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
thanks for the validation all - I am trying to self soothe and not let it get to me.
It's all I can do to refrain from "talking about it" with him. NOw that we are in MC only twice per month it's more tempting. It's my home now, don't I have a right to lay a boundary about not complaining about how messed up he thinks everything is or how wrong I am? Maybe. On the other hand, will he hear it? Possibly not.
SOrry, Laura, can't be happy. I'm not going to reward his obnoxiousness. However, I am working on letting it go and not taking it personally, or internalizing blame for being "too sensitive". That's the hard part. LIke Alice says, showing no emotion is the best. Hard when he can read all my subtle cues of being hurt. But I kept my mouth shut and walked away. I have no more marriage, so I don't need pain as well.
Your happiness is not a "reward" for him--it's a reward for YOU.
The quicker you can get to that state (self sooth), the more he'll know he can't "get to you". And it becomes HIM who is the problem. He DOESN'T see it, I'm SURE of that. Because you have interacted and made it about YOU. These things will help him see, no, it's not you, it is HIM.
When my H is in the house spouting like an absolute lunatic at NOBODY, is he thinking it's me? I don't think so. Pretty obvious there is no one around but him, and only crazy people spout off at nothing.lol.
I think you're sensitive because he *is* offensive. And I call bullsh!t on him not realizing it's a problem. He damn well knows when he comes across as an insensitive, rude, know it all but gets off on playing the "What? Me? What did I do/say?" card because it lets him, yet again, point out that you're stupid/clueless/over emotional/etc. or whatever the insult du jour is. Seriously.
I totally agree with you Freckle. My guess is that my H probably started to hate the man that he became in our M. Of course it was all my fault, but still.
LauraOh, it wasn't my experience that my shifting changed H's behaviour. Long before the separation I made some progress in detaching and became much less reactive around H. In some ways that seemed to almost make things worse. Someone who wants conflict (even while claiming to avoid conflict) will create that kind of drama even if you don't feed the fire IME.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
FM: LauraOh, it wasn't my experience that my shifting changed H's behaviour. Long before the separation I made some progress in detaching and became much less reactive around H. In some ways that seemed to almost make things worse. Someone who wants conflict (even while claiming to avoid conflict) will create that kind of drama even if you don't feed the fire IME.
this is interesting. i've read there's an extinction period on all our behaviors. if you work on changing them, that is. and they can peak and get WORSE on the way out.
rr22, you are absolutely right--I fully expected, and it has, gotten worse. SO much worse--I keep wondering if my H will have a stroke and die in front of me--I can't imagine what his blood pressure is every day!!
What is the difference? I am no longer around very long and I'm no longer a part of it. Detach, GAL, and walk away.
Yes, it's worse. He is on his way down to "rock bottom". He's not there yet--OH BOY--SO not there yet.
He's a 45 yo guy who has used this to "feel better" or whatever (I'm not going to think about why he does what he does, that is controlling) for a LONG time--longer than we've been married I am certain. I heard stories about him when he was youg--he was a tantrum thrower.
He is more miserable right now, looking for any possible fight he can, than I have EVER seen him. I had a slight car accident Tues (car swiped mine and broke off the mirror). He had a fit. 'I'm not paying for this $%*#!! I don't give a $&%# about you!!)
I calmly left the house, went to my C's that are FINALLY back in town (thank god--it isn't easy and I didn't know what to do--this is a $300 mirror!) where they told me--YOU HAVE TO FIX THE MIRROR.
So I did. My old H would have wanted me to be safe. This alien, I don't know, but again--I'm not going to think about where he's at because I can't control that--it's MY safety that comes first.
So I came home and told him and expected a huge fight and....nothing. What a letdown!!lol.
Because I am actually, sort of , God forgive me for saying this, but I actually appreciate that I can show I am different by being around him when he wants to fight. As I detach and observe, I just can't believe "I" am who "I" am. I had no idea I could be this strong. That I could feel this free in the face of so much miserableness from him.
My C's told me this is "my" time. Time to focus on me. Time to be selfish. Let him go. He is going to take whatever time it takes to get to the bottom and learn some OTHER way of relating. This takes time and I accept that. I am curious what he "may" become.
But if I made a list of all the ugly little snide comments, the baiting every day, the deep sighs, the new "rules" he makes trying to get me to fight--it would be an all day every day LONG post. I am past the "look at what he does, isn't it horrible". I am more focused on "look at what I am doing--isn't it DIFFERENT".
Laura, I just love this. I am so far behind you - I still get baited constantly and I am going to strive to be like you.
It's funny the car thing - my H had the exact same reaction when something similar happened to my car.
But yes, let go, dont' let their attempts to fight take hold, walk away, etc. I don't know how you do it, I still get the inner reaction of "how dare he!" but I am striving, like you, to find my inner strength, detach, observe, and feel free. I have a lot longer to go than you but I appreciate your support as I work to get there!
lauraoh: Because I am actually, sort of , God forgive me for saying this, but I actually appreciate that I can show I am different by being around him when he wants to fight. As I detach and observe, I just can't believe "I" am who "I" am. I had no idea I could be this strong. That I could feel this free in the face of so much miserableness from him.
Interesting. and great. good for you.
Would you mind sharing a little about his "new rules"? Has he gotten more controlling since this started and insituted a lot of new rules? Are they all directed at you or also others?
Wow--can't believe I had to go to the 2nd page to find your thread H4L!!
How's it been going?? I have had this class--it has been KILLING me!! But keeping my busy mind off my sitch so YEAH!
I have been having evil thoughts.lol. I am SO FRUSTRATED with the fireplace that my H has been saying he would remove for over a year now. We have this god-awful tiny living room (it is a box with a fireplace on an angle taking up 1/4 of the room) We have one couch and only enough seating for 3.
So...I have been toying with taking a sledgehammer to it. It's been bad. I can't stop obsessing about it. Total 180 for me. What do you think? One friend of mine says not to, another says go for it.lol.
