Question

[awest1217]

I don't know with me if I am totally leaving the door open for H or not. I think it is more that I am trying to protect S. I now see more and more how all of the men in that family are and I don't want S to turn out like them. H has pics on his iPod and computer of half-naked women and with S getting older, the last thing I want is for him to see those at a young age and fall down the path that H took. The pics are not that bad, but the problem is that H was having virtual sex at the age of 13 and hasn't stopped. He makes avatars in virtual worlds to compartmentalize, but there is my problem right there. I don't want S around him doing that because I don't want S to get addicted at a young age and then....well he becomes his dad.

Only one boy in that family truly respects women and I don't want S to learn that. I want him to learn to respect women. He is already opening doors for me and other women. He is getting a little mouthy, but is a normal 2 year old...however whenever he gets in trouble he cries for two minutes then comes and cuddles with me to say sorry. I am teaching him morals and how to respect everyone so that is why I leave the D alone. Right now H only sees S when he wants to, and honestly I think he only sees S when he wants to mess around with me (which I have stopped doing so he doesn't ever come around). After seeing H's old pic where he looked so happy and healthy, I realized I am still in love with that H and that H doesn't exist. The H now is unhappy and sickly so although I promised to love no matter what and I do...I am holding out hope as much because he will never be that happy healthy person again.

As for H, well he is back to not talking to me again. Nothing new and this time I am going to try as I always do to keep it that way. I text him Sunday night/Monday morning when I had the nightmare about him. I was really scared, to the point where I almost when to my brother's house at 4 am with S, but after praying a bunch, it went away. I didn't tell H everything about the dream, but I told him the big stuff and he never responded. I asked if he was ok because I never have dreams like this where they aren't triggered by an event or something I watched. H and I had just been talking about his old dreams (which I also realized he doesn't care about anymore and doesn't really want me to be involved in), and I watched S's movies.

Yesterday morning, H text to say he was ok and was going in to work every day this week (nothing new since he never thinks about anyone, but himself). I said have a nice day and I haven't heard from him since. Not a long time, but I doubt he will text me anytime soon. I am going to text him either today or tomorrow because I got a bill for him so i am going to tell him to start changing the address on all the paperwork that is his because I am tired of being the postman. i don't want him to fill out a change of address card at the post office because then the mortgage stuff will go to him since he is primary on the mortgage, but I don't want his pay stubs or his bills coming here anymore and since he isn't trying to work things out with me or really figure out anything besides work, he might as well put his parent's address down. I am sure he will just say ok. Next month I will let him know to find a new car insurance because I am not going to have him renew his insurance under me when we don't live together and haven't at that point for almost 1.5 years.

Park today, doc's tomorrow, nothing Thursday or Friday now, but I will find something. It is supposed to be hot and sunny THursday so definitely swim for S Friday maybe walk the mall. Saturday I have family stuff and sunday Father's day. H will get his gift at his parents Thursday.