Re-Connecting

[Fightingforher]

My W sent me a text this morning asking me about the conversation I had with my sister lastnight that she apparently was eavsdropping on while I was in my room. I'm not sure what she heard but she knew I was angry.

I spoke with W this morning she has no idea that I know she has contacted the OM. I explained to her that she isn't showing me any respect and i can't be her door mat any longer. I told her I mailed off the D Petition today and she should hear back from the courts soon enough.

She got upset and started crying and said she thinks I hate her. Ummmm has she forgotten that she asked for this D, and the fact that she is still having talks with OM????? I'm sure if I brought conversation with OM she would make some excuse like she has in the past that it was about work, or her schedule, blah blah blah

I'm to the point where I need to make some decisions to better my life. If she can't cut off OM and has no interest in MC then what else can I do?

[Coach]

I'm to the point where I need to make some decisions to better my life.

This will be attractive to your wife.

If she can't cut off OM and has no interest in MC then what else can I do?

Don't let your life be predicated on what someone else does (victim). Be the man you want to be, do the things you want to do and have the life you are supposed to have. Lead.

[Greek]

My W sent me a text this morning asking me about the conversation I had with my sister lastnight that she apparently was eavsdropping on while I was in my room. I'm not sure what she heard but she knew I was angry.

I spoke with W this morning she has no idea that I know she has contacted the OM. I explained to her that she isn't showing me any respect and i can't be her door mat any longer. I told her I mailed off the D Petition today and she should hear back from the courts soon enough.

Did you somehow document what you found last night? Print anything up - just so you have a clear record?

She got upset and started crying and said she thinks I hate her. Ummmm has she forgotten that she asked for this D, and the fact that she is still having talks with OM????? I'm sure if I brought conversation with OM she would make some excuse like she has in the past that it was about work, or her schedule, blah blah blah

No. She most certainly has not forgotten. She is starting the spin. The retelling. The rewriting of history that will make her look like the sad wife whose H divorced her. That is much easier to live with for the rest of your life than her being the adulteress.

You've taken the right step. Gucci was correct. I applied way too much hope to what she was saying. He advised you to pay close attention to what she is doing - and, well, you did that and now you know. Mailing the petition was a strong act and the right one.

Does OM have a W?
Greek

[Fightingforher]

The OM is single and is her manager at work. I know him because I previously worked there. She swears they are just friends and he is a "support system" since he is detached from our situation and doesn't know me and they don't know each other that well.

Either way, I can certainly print out any records from the phone bill. Will this help me in anyway by having phone records? We aren't really contesting anything.

[Greek]

The OM is single and is her manager at work. I know him because I previously worked there. She swears they are just friends and he is a "support system" since he is detached from our situation and doesn't know me and they don't know each other that well.

Either way, I can certainly print out any records from the phone bill. Will this help me in anyway by having phone records? We aren't really contesting anything.

Having the print outs will just help YOU keep things straight in your mind...b/c it may get confusing when she starts denying this and that.

Look, no contact means no contact...and you are a man who means what he says.

Greek

[Greek]

I wish Robx would show up here. I think it's him that has the nifty little bit about telling your W to go to the OM. Something like, "I have decided that this M as it is now isn't what I want either. OM is who you want and you should go to him. I will help you pack." Something like that.

Greek

[Fightingforher]

That's a good line.... But I know my W and she would DENY DENY DENY...

In some ways seeing that she has been speaking to OM has given me a new outlook on this. I'm sure it's only a temporary feeling but I'm feeling like I have justification on why this D has some merit now.

That's probably horrible to say and maybe it's out of anger. I just know that I would never do this to my wife no matter how bad I was feeling about our M. It tells me alot about her, something I never knew and never want to experience again.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I wish Robx would show up here. I think it's him that has the nifty little bit about telling your W to go to the OM. Something like, "I have decided that this M as it is now isn't what I want either. OM is who you want and you should go to him. I will help you pack." Something like that.

Greek

This is from my archives, and pretty well sums up Robx's approach. It was his advice to another poster, but 90%+ of it applies:

RobX’s approach:



Sit her down and have a discussion with her.
No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything,
keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.

You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.

You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.

For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust.
Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

Don't ask for for full disclosure.

Do the opposite.

Tell her this:

"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.

I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."


No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go.
No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.

You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?

Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.

Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.

[Greek]

^ Thanks, Puppy. That's the bit I was thinking of.

Fightingforher ~ There's your script right there.

Cheers ~
Greek

[Fightingforher]

Well, that script helps put things into perspective. This has been a real eye opener for me and I want to thank all of you for the great words of wisdom.

I've decided to let her go. If OM is what she wants then so be it. I have found peace in all of this and it's brought my son and I closer together. I'm starting to GAL and it feels good. 3 months of heartache and pain, but I'm finally starting to feel normal.

I know I have a long way to go and hopefully my therapy will help me be a better person for any future R.