Hi all. I am new to this forum, and I have read DB and DR plus a few other books. I am not entirely familiar w/ the abbreviations on this website but here goes. I need help. I know I am not alone bc we have all gravitated to this site for that very reason. I greatly appreciate all of the assistance and words of wisdom. I have visited the site many times, and I have finally struck up the courage to post about my sitch.
M: 42 W: 39 T: 18y M: 15y S: 6y, 8y D: 4y, 12y, 14y EA: from 11/08 to 2/09 PA: ?isolated meetings once 12/08 (?), definite hotel 1/09 (we talked. yeah right) stayed together since w/ some counselling since ILYBNILWY 3/10 (but stopped saying I love you 3/09) still ML regularly encourages me to meet other women, not interested, have not phones/computers open but FB is closed and I don't know password no sep yet, some talk only about D
My wife is definitely in WAS phase. We first met 1992, married 1995. not quite shotgun wedding but daughter on way when we wed. : ) was just finishing up grad school w/ long, long hours working to come. W says I changed when D was born. i was close to having PA/fling 6/97 but never consummated. W remembers clearly. she believes i have fooled around several times during the course of our marriage bc i am HD. but did not. flirt, yes. underwear off? no. EA? no. she had found an email to a friend where I referenced that attempt in 6/97. cont'd having kids, #2 now 12 y D. moved around 3 y here, 3 y there for my job w/ more children/responsibilities, now totalling 5! lights of my life.
was working long hours but always made time for family. W says I was distant/hard to reach/"in my own world." some truth to that.
finally in 11/08, I decided to buy car w/o consulting W. big no no. final straw i guess in a marriage that had been limping along in need of change. had also been working overnights or 3rd shift for the 2 years before that (since 9/06) so @ that time not home during nights much for maybe half the week. she states that that was a horrible time in her life for her. after I got stupid car (which i now hate bc of what it represents), she said "that's it!" freely admits it to me. that was the last draw in W's eyes. she went to some local women's meeting in town where she met newcomer to our town. apparently this woman grew up in same town where her huge flame from college grew up. they had gone out for over 3 y during college, hot/cold, lotsa difficulties, into his friends more than her. she broke up with him few months before college graduation. I struck up relationship with her during summer after college graduation and start of grad school. hot/cold @ first for maybe year but we ultimately clicked after one early break up 6-9 months in. great sex/passion. awesome connection. together all the time. she knew me and i knew her. she had grown up in abusive home w/ lousy father and neglectful/seemingly oblivious mother. we fit one another bc i am strong/supportive and she was looking for the same. then came the kids/work/life... u get the pic. she now says that she does not "need" that anymore and doesn't want it. funny enough when she talks to friends about what she wants in a man i have many of those qualities. i work hard outside house and hard inside. i wash, cook, clean, drive kids around. she does too. you can't have 5 kids in a busy house without stepping up to plate.
so she went on FB and found this old flame. they started texting/calling/chatting/FB'ing under my very nose. I was clueless. "in my own world." started 11/08 which progressed into EA 12/08 w/ >20 calls/day. found hotel rez for 1/09. know she also met w/ him for coffee or "sit down" 2 other times. don't know if also had more of sig PA or just one time in hotel.
started suspecting something not right when wife locked phone "to keep the kids out" but wouldn't tell me password in late 2008. finally started looking at phone records in late Feb/early March. what an eye opener!!! one bright Monday morning in March confronted her. showed her phone records. was a newbie in many ways. i called him right in front of her and asked if he had "F'd" her. he said yes and he was "sorry." keep the apologies. she left to pick up daughter from preschool and when she returned he called and said "nothing happened." phone records show she called him and probably coached him. i was prone to anger/rages hence she was probably scared. these are things i am working on. i know this. but i am also good man/father/provider/husband/friend. my positives outweigh negatives. i also stopped working the overnights. only occasionally when i have to a few times every 7-8 weeks on average. thank God.
last year we started counselling. was ok but ultimately not solution oriented but just a re-hashing of our relationship from past and our families. typical cognitive therapy. went on for 6 months? not much progress. still living same house, socializing w/ same friends except i started to GAL where i used to have none. she had already started working out in late 2008 and in early 2009 i followed suit. had let myself go up to that point. 6'3" 185 when married to 235-240 then. what a mess. waist ballooned out to 40-42" from 34-36" in early 2009. now in 6/10 am 206 w/ 36" waist. thank God for karate, p90x and weightraining. i needed to GAL and did for most part. not big on friends (she was supposedly my friend but down that path is extreme codependence) so right now am trying to find some. need to talk and unload but difficult to do. found God and church again. looking for faith i guess.
midway through a lousy 2009 realized she stopped saying ILY and did not kiss me on my lips. "no connection." still ML/having sex which she says i'm "great at." have snooped on cell phone/email/home phone w/ no sig contacts overall. but for past 6 months have been locked out of her FB acct. she changed the password. in my typical clueless fashion i watched but did nothing. just talked to a friend tonight who i finally had found the courage to unload to month or two back... was great doing it. plus she happens to be lesbian so her perspectives are unique and helpful. she said my W has to be having an EA. why else would she lock me out? i am her friend on FB and have list of suspects.
when i have asked her "if there is anyone else" over past year she says "no" rather vehemently. after reading DR, i have stopped snooping and stopped asking about "someone else." i have tried to follow the advice of lots of others here in hopes of salvaging my sitch. she said ILYBNILWY earlier this year (3/10?) but having been living w/ the truth of that since last year (although @ one point late last year she actually had a moment where she said she DID love me and wanted to make it work). that is long gone.
i make a good living, we have a nice house, she drives a nice car, stay @ home mom, goes to gym, hangs w/ friends, all good things. no job though which she had early on in marriage including from home office until 3-4 y ago when she gave it up. we do not want for much. life was and ?is good. now she has it in her head that she wants to move to florida from northeast to smaller, lesser expensive house (is that her trying to get me out on my own). talks about us doing this "together" but don't know if i believe that.
strangely enough she also tries to encourage me at times to seek another woman. not her. "she might make you happy in a way that i may not." i am basically very HD and she has always been LD. she now says that she does have moments of HD, and looks at other men saying to herself "hmmm that might be nice to hop in sack with him." i tell her i am not interested in other women. "too complicated right now." that makes me wonder about her and someone else. did it once why not do it again. ?FB. especially since i'm locked out?
she currently says she is open to counselling again. wants to go for herself as well. she is also interested in a job. add florida into this (where one of her FB friends happens to live w/ his wife and four kids), and who knows?
in sum, i have been married 15 y w/ our issues, usually relating to the typical roles of distant male in his own world w/ wife now WAS who does not wish to do it anymore. ILYBNILWY. have 5 kids. pretty nice life. have been lucky combined w/ some hard work. I adore her. I want for nothing more than to spend the rest of my days with her. I have embraced the idea of changing. we always do don't we? i started therapy for anger management too. i think i am a better man for it, a better father and better partner. i want a new marriage to replace this one. i have GAL'd. working on making more friends. making me a better person.
i try not to believe anything she says and less than 50% of what i hear. good advice. at times i am so sad, frustrated and disappointed in my sitch. i think that it is not enough. i have missed my chance. i pray to God for another opportunity. we still live together and have not separated. but is it bc she would have to leave her lifestyle behind? we have lots debt but doing ok. she knows our finances in and out. yet part of me wonders if i am being used financially? more than one person has brought up that very point. our 1st daughter is off to college soon w/ not too much $$ saved up. uh oh. add S or D with 2 new households? am i the only one who sees that many reasons why D is not the answer?
her 40th bday is coming up. we are going away w/ some friends (12 total including us and all of our kids) for few days. we are not paying for it, but obviously are staying at a small hotel. she acts like a teen @ times. i was thinking about planning celebration/party, but now do not think so. beginning to wonder if i am being used somehow. she seems very confused at times. sometimes happy, and sometimes distant. i used to be able to read her mind @ times in the past, and pretty much say what she is thinking. you do that when two people are in tune. there was a period there where we were NOT doing that (by late 2008?). definitely. now, we are back to doing it. i know it is my wishful/hopeful thinking that this MEANS something significant. probly not.
what do i do with my WAS of 15y, living in same home, ILYBNILWY, 5 kids, lotsa debt but doing ok, locked out of FB w/ her wanting to move to Florida (where my mom and sister happen to live BTW) because "we need to do something different" and trying DR/DB, having patience, trying to be cool, trying to GAL? i know i have forgotten things to put in here, but would welcome the insight and words of wisdom of the other DB'ers out there. is it possible to reconcile? do people really reconcile and renew their vows? with 5 kids? can it be? at times i cannot bring myself to believe that
