The journey begins

[BobbiJo]

Sounds like you have a lot of good things going on, CTH. Nice work! I love Fantastic Mr. Fox...

[ImprovedRomeo]

I agree with awest's suggestion that you should defer any STBX related questions to her unless you think what STBX is telling them is absolutely wrong and will be a bit let down the for the kids. In that case you can tell them 'I think that'll be great if mom can do that however if it doesn't happen it's still OK, we'll be fine'. At least that's what I would do, it'd be hard to watch the kids get their hopes up, make plans and yet you know it ain't gonna happen.

So why do you have to pay her child support if she's making more than you? Unless you have less than 50% custody?

[ClingingToHope]

SR, we have joint legal custody but she has primary physical custody. They are here five nights out of 14 and I see them after school every day. To me, that's 50/50, but not in the eyes of the court.

I made a major mistake by not fighting for 50/50 early on. I moved out in March 2009 but in with a friend and could not have them. I didn't get an apartment until July but still didn't make custody an issue because I still felt deep down this was all a phase.

Finally, I went to see an attorney in October and he said basically ceding custody to STBXW was a major mistake.

We talked long and hard about going for full custody -- since judges here don't order 50/50 physical custody, it has to be agreed upon. But he said I'd be unlikely to win unless I can prove she's an unfit parent -- she's not -- and I'd probably wipe out whatever I will eventually get from STBXW in legal bills.

For me, really, life is pretty good. I still notice wedding rings and feel a little stigmatized. Like today at Monkey Joe's -- a place full of inflatable bouncy things -- I took D7 and her friend and I noticed it was 99 percent women. I was the only other guy there. They all had wedding rings on. I'm guessing it's a typical stay-at-home mom hangout.

I felt a little out of place without my ring.

Back to D11. Yes, I no longer know STBXW's exact financial situation, but I can guess it isn't good just because of little cues -- emails asking I speed the child support up a day because of this bill or that bill. Plus, the financial picture she built in our one settlement meeting was amazing. She's maxed four credit cards in less than a year. I thought companies were getting tougher on credit.

But she keeps feeding D11 and D7 this picture of how great it will be once they sell the house. She even has them excited about this house four blocks from our house. It's a nice little pink three bedroom with a nice back yard. D11 was convinced that'll be there home.

So I guess I was trying to prepare Dll a bit for disappointment. And maybe I was a little bitter because I feel -- bitter -- about my living situation even though this is a really nice townhouse.

BTW, I started reading Forgiveness is a Choice today.

[ClingingToHope]

Another good day. Really laid back. D11 whined about basketball camp but she went. D7 was upset her friend staying over wanted to play with D11 a lot. So she was being rude. Typical kid stuff.

Rainy day so we didn't do much in the morning. Then it got a little hectic. D11 had her first tuba lesson so I dropped her off. D7 had a girl scouts makeover at a salon. That was hilarious and D7 was so happy.

After we ate and came home and then around 8:30 p.m. D11 got a call from a friend who is leaving for a couple of weeks wanting her to sleepover. D7 is friends with the little sister -- so they are both staying over. Tomorrow, they sleep at STBXW's. I flirted with saying no, that it takes away from "our" time. But I remember that summers are for memories and a sleepover is always a good time.

So I've been searching the Web for blog ideas for my job, watching some TV, thinking about the 31-year-old from the church group.

I'm trying to figure out what we'll do with the next couple of days. I love summer. At dinner D7 inadvertantly reminded me how far I've come in a year. A year ago I was living with a friend taking sleeping pills every night.

Time heals.

[ClingingToHope]

Lots to report with the kids -- but not a lot of energy to do so. It's been a very, very good week of vacation. One expensive trip into Chicago to go to Lincoln Park Zoo and the Chicago Children's Museum.

The rest of the time around here.

Nothing from STBXW. She tried to call once yesterday but I had the phone off.

A couple of times tonight I wondered what she might be doing -- but it didn't have the pain and helplessness of last summer. It's getting to the point where I don't care.

Still nothing in the mail -- at least from her. My L sent me a bill. We've burned through my $2,500 retainer and I owe an additional $146 -- and there's a long way to go.

I programmed in a check for $50. I'll pay installments until this is over.

Took girls to see Toy Story 3. A couple of stabs of pain. There was a scene where Woody is remembering Andy growing up, including watching him get measured by his mom. There is a wall at the house with all the little check marks as D7 and D11 got taller.

Some day that'll get painted over when the new owners move in -- when the house sells, either through the normal process or some other process.

Then there was the whole growing up and going off to college aspect. That's tough on all parents. It has to be weirder on LBSs though, especially the ones without custody. You have that drama of no longer having a child and what happened to the time -- but you also are free of child support.

Focus on the now, focus on the now. Toy Story 3 is a great movie, but it struck a chord.

[ClingingToHope]

Still have a ways to go on detachment. Girls and I were walking over to park to go water skiing. Club is giving free lessons.

I looked on phone and STBXW sent a text last night. "What's up. I can't answer the phone. I'm at a concert."

I looked at my recent calls. One of the girls called her at 9:30 p.m. after we got back from movie. I had no idea.

I wish I hadn't read the text because I started thinking "Concert? With who?"

And then I was upset with myself because I was falling back in the LBS syndrome of believing the WAS has this great life now that I'm gone.

Then I started thinking she can't have it that good. She's gaining weight. She's broke, etc.

But that isn't what I should be thinking about. I should just be thinking about me and my life.

I've had a great week with the girls. I'm still on financial track. While I was in the park a single mom I'd love to ask out once the D is done stopped by. She was rollerblading with her 6-year-old.

I'm taking the girls to a fitness club that just opened its new outdoor pool.

By every measure I'm doing 100 percent better than I was at this point last summer. I just have to remember that. Now, time to get the girls off the couch and to the pool.

[awest1217]

Hope you have an excellent father's day!

[Gardener]

CTH,

A couple of times tonight I wondered what she might be doing -- but it didn't have the pain and helplessness of last summer. It's getting to the point where I don't care.

This was good to read. Good for you.

Took girls to see Toy Story 3. A couple of stabs of pain....Toy Story 3 is a great movie, but it struck a chord.

Tell me about it. Don't know if you've been to my thread, but I saw it Friday with S,34 and GS,4. Great movie. I was fine until Andy described Woody as someone who is always there for you and will never let you down. Followed by a "So long, pardner (partner)." I almost lost it.

Still have a ways to go on detachment.

I know, but what you said above was a good sign of detachment.

I wish I hadn't read the text because I started thinking "Concert? With who?

"Believe none of what you hear and less than half of what you see. And cultivate caring about neither.

And then I was upset with myself because I was falling back in the LBS syndrome of believing the WAS has this great life now that I'm gone.

That's emotion. Intellectually, we both know - we all know - that's not reality and there are hundreds of threads and posts that bear this out.
Take care of yourself.
Happy Fathers' Day to a great Dad.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I wish I hadn't read the text because I started thinking "Concert? With who?"

"Believe none of what you hear and less than half of what you see.

Exactly...for all you know she could be sitting in the bathroom all constipated at 9:30pm

[ClingingToHope]

Really had the blahs earlier today. For a number of reasons.

A week of having the girls for seven straight days came to an end.

I'm in a slump in softball. Nagging injuries and a lack of energy (this may sound crazy but this matters to me).

My Reds are losing (again, this matters).

I got a letter from STBXW's L on Saturday and they are asking for less of a payment to me -- which had me thinking off and on all weekend. It had been five weeks since I'd heard anything.

Money issues. Pumping out all this money for summer camps. I keep running the figures in my head to see if I'll get through the next six weeks without having to dip into reserves.

I rallied though. Good day at work. Nice to be back. Better softball game at night -- still no energy.

Fun project set up for tomorrow. Volunteering Thursday night.

Texts and emails to 31-year-old who I'd love to ask out once I'm divorced. I'm really hoping the guy she's starting to see fizzles.

I did not call my L yet. I think I'm going to wait a couple of days. I'm in that in between area where part of me wants to get this over with so I'm not sucked down her financial disaster vortex and the other is the only power I have here is time. I can allow the divorce to happen on my timetable.

I should get off to sleep though. I'm getting up early to donate/sell some plasma in the morning. Hey, every little bit helps. There also was a cute attendant there. Eye candy is always good.