MWD said it takes on average one month to db a marriage for every year you were married...
OIN in your case that's a rough estimate of 10 months of dbing with zero help or cooperation from her before she starts to show some signs of input... You have a bit to go yet... but you are starting to look for the small the small things and are accepting half measures on her part... THAT is the difference... you are working at her pace now rather than yours... a very important change
Ok, I am not going to go back and forth with you about medical stuff. Since you have posted here, your W has been sick almost weekly. I hope she gets the medical attention she needs. I understand living with chronic pain all too well and it is a terrible strain on a marriage. It is horrible for the person experiencing the pain. She has to be proactive though on getting help and despite the reason for her pain, there are options that sound like they haven't been explored.
Think about what you said... you are expecting too much too soon. Why is that? IMO it is because you have not detached from your W.
In order to have a healthy R BOTH individuals must work on getting healthy as individuals hence the need to detach and focus on you. GAL for a few months is not enough. It has to be lifelong even if you do stay married.
Today W and I went back to art festival, we wanted to pick a few things up that we seen the day before. While there W and I had our charactures done together (lol). We then went to nephew's birthday party.
W and I then cleaned some of the house together and started to go over some plans for decorating the house.
There were a few slip ups when it came to communication, something that I am still working on.
We actually finally got rid of the old bed set that W had declared hers a while back.
W said something about not having lunch for tomorrow, I validated what she said but offered nothing ...in other words I did not say "i'll go out and get you a lunch"
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 06/14/1001:41 AM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I like it that you are starting to think about communicating, listening, validating, and not being a servant or a fixer.
You're not alone in needing to improve those skills. We could all improve on them (and I speak from the experience of beting terrible at doing it), and I'd say more than 50% of the people out there aren't that good at it.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/14/1002:31 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I am listening to more of what W is saying. I also try to look into W's actions as well.
She is more into fixing the house up then she ever was throughout our entire sitch. Three months ago W was sleeping in the bed set that she recommended to throw out today.
Two months ago if W made a suggestion on how the interior design of the house can be improved or something she would like to get for the house and I would attempt to discuss further W would instantly shut me out and say "It's up to you because I am leaving" NOW W and I can talk about these things and actually have a productive conversation AS IF she really is interested.
When we first moved into our home we had big plans for the rooms in the house and then when the sitch began W forgot everything we had ever planned on, Today W had those plans again and talked about them.
There are so many things today that W was not doing/saying 2 months ago. Based on these actions, in my W's own kind of way is she telling me she is staying?
I agree with everyone here, even though we do not argue like we have in the past and I am not the same person who would talk down to my W that brought us to this sitch, I AGREE that our communication is NOT healthy. I am so tempted to sit down with her and just get it out in the open "If you and I are going to carry on any type of R I want to ensure it is as healthy as possible and it all starts with communication..." I don't know.
I know we are still in the early stages of our sitch and it is at her pace I just don't want to develop bad habits that can not be broke and ultimately lead us right back down this road. I also don't want W to think this is the best it can get. We could be so much better is we could just communicate better.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
How do I validate when W makes insecure comments about herself?
Usually I would tell my W it is wrong to feel that way because it is not true and then tell her that she is attractive. W would roll her eyes or give me a stupid look and say "well that's not how I feel" or "you made me feel like garbage for so many years"
This book I am reading has a formula the author developed that I should be adapted and my own words applied so it sounds sincere.
Quote:
1. It sounds like (or, it seems) you.... paraphrase in a sentence r two what you partner's experience seems to be.
2. That must feel... Guess as to how such an experience must feel.
3. I'm sorry you feel...Guess as to what they're feeling.
I learned validation is not necessarily agreeing with what my W says but understanding that is HOW she views the situation and to validate her view point as crazy as it may be.
Wish I would had read and understood that before this morning when she threw the whole "you have an attitude line" at me again. Besides that (a rough start to the day) we has a pretty good day.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Isn't this what many forum members have been telling you all along?
Telling your W her feelings are WRONG is really not much better than you used to be with her. My H used to tell me all the time my feelings were wrong and I can tell you that it killed a ton of love and respect I had for him. I got so tired of hearing how wrong my feelings were I stopped telling him things.
My feelings were wrong when my dad died. My feelings were wrong when I got sick. My feelings were wrong when the wind blew the wrong way. It is a horrifying way to live.
I told him for close to a decade my feelings were not wrong even if he didn't agree with them. It's maddening and I can tell you do all you can do to stop it now or else your W will continue to have terrible feelings towards you.
I guess I am confused as to what you are taking away from this forum because the post you just made is the very basis of this forum (validation to improve communication).
