How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[MrBond]

Simple answer.

"Sorry I've been busy."

That's it. That's all you have to say. It will throw him for a loop that you haven't been thinking about him. That suddenly he's not the center of attention.

Going back to the kid analogy. When you ignore a child what do they do? Try to get your attention.

He's testing to see and be sure you are still under his control. So don't fall for it. Act "as if" you have better and more mature things to do.

His coming by the house to do the chores is another way of control. He "knows" you can't do those things because you've allowed yourself to believe you can't. Why not? Or hire someone to do them for you. Bottom line is to take away the things that show he is "needed" and he'll start to crave your attention.

[Truegritter]

I guess it's just what I'm ok with there too? Without regard to his feelings? But without being "mean spirited"?

Yes you're getting it. This is not a game or strategy. It's for YOU. You have to get to a calm place so you can work on yourself.

There may be a time when you can see/talk to H without those feelings and it's called detached with love but you are not there yet.

It takes time and you have to spend the time for YOU, with YOU without H.

[amg2]

Will some of you please suggest polite DB way(s) to answer the following question from H: "I'm off work and was wanting to come over and (insert chore) for you. I'm bored and don't really have anything to do anyway. And I know it's not something you like to do. Is that ok?".

THANK YOU

[Truegritter]

amg

IMO he is trying to stay connected to you. Part of control over you.

Again let your feeling guide you. Will this invite interaction that you can't handle/don't want?

What if you weren't there when he came over? See how far this generous offer really goes...

Just a thought.

Your decisions should always be to protect YOU and your peace right now...

See my previous post ^^^^^

[amg2]

Thank you. Yes I understand the decsions should be ABOUT ME. And IF I decide that it's probably best the he NOT do a particular task, make a particular visit, how do I decline his offer without being mean spirited? How do I lightly and confidently tell him "You're absolutely right. I don't have time to do (chore) and may not even know how. Your're not working and are DYING to come over and do (chore). However, I don't want to owe you anything, feel obligated to you or feel like I'm treating you badly since you'll only be allowed in the garage, not the house, while I'm not home."?

Saying no without appearing like a total bitter bi*ch is what I don't know how to do. Or having it turn into relationship talk. I agree that he's using it as a way to stay connected, but he also is depressed and "doing things"/feeling useful seems to make him happy. To this point his visits to do work have gone fine, other than my feeling small guilt/obligation about being dark after.

PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

[Punktmann]

On the anniversary, I'd leave that well alone. Bringing it up will remind him what he's doing and make him feel guilty, and this is pressure.

Pressure drives them further away, not closer. Their typical response to pressure is anger.

My inlaws and I are planning to go on a weeks vacation this summer. I'm near dark/pretty dim w H. If he doesn't get invited he'll be hurt (understandably). But I'm not supposed to be extending any invitations to him. Is there a way to suggest he go w/o it being detrimental to his MLC process?

Be careful of getting the in laws in the middle of your DBing.

Going dark is pretty much the opposite of going on vacation with your H.

Nothing wrong with either one depending on where you are at.

If you invited your in-laws, because you wanted to spend time with them/kids(?) then no, don't invite him. Being dark is living your life without him. So that his hurtful actions don't interfere with you getting your stuff together, which is your job right now.

He'll be hurt. The point of being dark is not to make them angry, but sometimes it does.

If your in-laws invited you, then let them worry about it.

If they do, then going is not being dark.


Best,

Punkt

[amg2]

So lately H seems to want me to ask him to do things. Like he's first realizing that I don't initiate much contact w him at all. We have a history of me (genuinely) not providing a lot of ego boosting for him (i.e. initiating sexual contact, complimenting him).

But I still just sit back right? He's not really DOING much different. No counseling. No initiation of R conversation. But I feel something different and there is a tension of him WANTING me to initiate. It's a bit stressful. And weird b/c I know in the past I should've done more complimenting but now don't want to do too much. And he also keeps wanting me to need him to do things at the house (where he isn't living) and seems to make him feel good if he's needed.

I'm not looking at H's phone recs, email, anything so don't know if he's contacting anyone else now or not. As of about a month ago it looked like according to phone recs he was emailing w someone excessively. I've asked no questions.

Advice or thoughts appreciated. Thanks.

[amg2]

^^^Anyone? Thanks

[WhatNow]

Hey amg,

I'm not really sure what you are asking?

My stand is....as long as H is involved w/ OW, I will not be a part of his life. He is bothered that I take care of things by myself and do not appear to need him. Oh Well. Making him feel good while he is carrying on is not an obligation or desire of mine.

The conditions to re-enter my life are no OW, complete transparency, and counseling. Otherwise he is on his own and must find another way to meet his needs. I won't meet those he is not getting w/ OW.

So, that is how I am handling it. I have been advised to stay dim until he wants to agree to these conditions. I now have a canned response when H comes sniffing around...."You know where I stand." and/or "The door is open, but I am not standing in the doorway waiting."

I hope this helps you in your dilemma somehow.

[amg2]

Yes that does help. The thing is, I don't know if he's having inappropriate contact with anyone else or not. I stopped looking at phone recs over a month ago b/c I was driving myself nuts with it. At that time it looked to me like he was having email/internet contact with someone. I figured as long as he wasn't working on our M it didn't matter and stopped looking.

He still, in my eyes, isn't "working" on our M. I think he thinks that doing chores for me, etc. at house is a form of working on M. He seems very out of touch with how bad, serious and dangerously close to D this situation is. Like he thinks I'm 'holding down the fort' while we take time to think. I've always been the 'doer' of everything, the fixer, and I almost think he doesn't know how to make a move unless it's in response to one of my moves. And I'm not making any moves, so...nothing. MLC fog sure doesn't help. I orignally told him 4 months ago (he may or may not remember) that 'if he was 1) in counseling and 2) willing to open up and talk to me, I'd consider the possibility of us staying married'. Honestly, since tht time, I've become uncertain if he's in shape to go to counselng--maybe not yet. Haven't pushed or harped on this.

I think fact that I "asked him to leave" the house plays a role too. I know he'd have left anyway had I not, but he seemed surprised when I asked him not to come home. Almost like I kicked him out so I'm in control of the situation--not true.

THANKS