The journey begins

[Gardener]

Romeo,

Here's what helps me...I picture myself 10 years from now where will I be, where would I want to be. Then I picture myself shedding dead weight of all the material things (too much clutter really) and living a simpler life. When I get to that point I feel OK.

Change the 10 to 1 and I am picturing/planning the exact same thing, to a "T".

[faithisbelieving]

As you know CTH, my house is for sale as well. What can I say? I think we attach to it more than the STBXW's. However, to put things in perspective, look at how unhappy and broken they are to do destroy their marriage, hurt their children and throw away their home?

As told to me today, if you take the carton of milk out of the fridge, pour a glass and notice that it has gone rancid, do you put it back in the fridge or toss it out and get a glass of orange juice?

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

Packed a lot in in two days. Played softball Saturday morning -- in a bit of a slump.

Rested and went to barbecue with church growth group. The 31-year-old I'd love to get to know better said she was going to come at 5 p.m.

She texted me -- I forgot I wrote my number down in a book I lent her -- saying she'd be there at 7 p.m.

So that was positive. When she got there though she told the group she was going on her second date Sunday with a 28-year-old she met.

So that was a let down. I've thought maybe I was too old for her -- besides I'm still married.

Still, when a chair opened up next to me she sat down and we spent the next two hours talking.

I really like her and I've been telling myself that right now I have a ton of baggage. Still married. Have to cycle through all of those emotions. Two daughters.

When I finish the D and am totally over STBXW I really hope she's available. I really like talking to her. We texted a few times back and forth Sunday so that's a positive.

I guess I'm only ready for friends right now anyway so I can't get ahead of myself.

I left the barbecue at 9 p.m. to try to get a couple of hours of sleep before having to go to Chicago to work at a marathon.

I was too wired from the barbecue and never fell asleep. So I left at midnight, was working by 2 a.m. and worked until 1 p.m. in the afternoon setting up a race and then tearing it down.

It went well. I wasn't too tired. And we got done really fast. I was expecting to be working until 3 p.m. or so.

I got home and fell asleep right away. I woke up when D11 called me. D7 was throwing a huge fit at home and she wanted to come over.

The apartment is walking distance from the house and I met her half way. She went on and on about several things. Typical fight between her and D7. Some allusions to STBXW talking to her about not having any money. Some talk about more to do on the house.

We got back to the apartment and STBXW called. D7 wanted to apologize to D11 and D7 wanted all of us to go bowling.

I wrote all this to get to this point. With so much of my attention focused on the 31-year-old from the church group, I said yes to bowling right away. The girls wanted us to be together and ... I'm looking forward instead of backward.

Bowling was fun. STBXW and I exchanged a couple of looks and smiles. STBXW was in a bowling league years ago with wives of friends of mine. She really liked it, but she had to quit because she was trying to quit smoking and they all smoked.

I'm glad she quit smoking -- I've never had a cigarette in my life -- but I wish she'd kept going. It gave her one girls night a week and she always came home in a good mood.

Oh well, another brick in the path of wrong choices.

After, D11 and I watched some TV and then I walked her home.

I'm psyched. I have the two of the them the next seven days and six of the next seven nights.

I hope to email and text the 31-year-old a couple of times this week. I don't want to come on too strong. I really hope something comes of it eventually. If not, it's helped me refocus in the interim.

[ClingingToHope]

Sitting here waiting for girls to show up. I have them for the next seven days. I'm excited for the fun times we'll have. Worried that I can't make this a always fun filled/action packed week. Stressed a little over money -- I need to get another, not so cheap vacuum cleaner. At ease over the fact I won't need to find things for me to do the next seven days.

The thing about D is it opens up so many emotions -- or at least brings them to the surface. In a disfunctional M a lot of times, or at least in my case, the emotions get buried beneath the facade and they eat away at you.

[mishka422]

In a disfunctional M a lot of times, or at least in my case, the emotions get buried beneath the facade and they eat away at you.

Totally true. The same thing happened in my M and everything I buried for 15 years came rushing out. NOT PRETTY!

Have a wonderful time with your girls. Try to remember though...you don't have to be on the move constantly for them to have a good time. Sometimes, the best times with our kids are the times we can be still and cuddle up with them. Are you planning any movie or game nights with them?

[whatisis]

I think every marriage is to one degree or another dysfuntional, that's what makes it functional! Do you know anyone who has complete open communication with their spouse? Do you know anyone who hasn't said to themselves "it's not that big a deal, I'll let it go?" I think it depends on the couple and what they are willing to accept from each other. If you have high school fantasy expectations of the other and what marriage should always be then you ain't gonna be happy! But, it you are someone who can accept that some things are the way they are and live on, you'll do better. Now, that doesn't mean not trying to change some things but I think it's often the attitude towards having to do so or the hard work involve that can make or break a R. And that's the way I see it

[Gardener]

Hey, CTH,

Worried that I can't make this a always fun filled/action packed week.

At home with Dad is the activity they need - and need to get used to - the most.

[ClingingToHope]

Good day. Tiring. Or maybe I'm just tired from the weekend. I took the girls shopping to spend the $100 gift card my sister sent me. Letting them shop for new clothes is a good time in itself.

D11 went to the first day of basketball camp. It's not a real camp. It's a beginner's instruction thing.

While D11 was there D7 and I picked up a friend from her old school and we went to one of those places with inflatable jumping things.

They had fun. I took my computer and did some work -- to justify keeping a work computer for a week while I'm off.

I registered and paid for one of D7's camps. Scheduling and getting camps taken care of was one of my roles. But since STBXW is supposed to the physical custodian I left it to her ... and now we're in summer and the kids aren't registered in any and none are paid for.

Amazing.

At some point in the day, I forget exactly when, STBXW called about a scheduling thing at work and she was saying who did this and who did that. I said as little as possible hoping she'd get the point that I no longer need to listen to her work dramas.

The final point was she was wondering if we could change the schedule. I said whatever. After I hung up, I thought about it and then sent her a text offering her Tuesday as the only option. The weather is supposed to get better later in the week and I want to take them to the zoo. The weather is supposed to be crappy tomorrow.

Around 10 p.m. she texted that we shouldn't change the schedule ... whatever.

I managed to take the three of them -- D7's friend -- to my nighttime softball game. They did good. We came home. They played the Wii, played outside and are now watching the Fantastic Mr. Fox. I'll head up with them.

Tomorrow, I sign up for a different workout gym. It's more expensive and I have to pay a joiner's fee. It's a major financial commitment for me.

But the guy built a beautiful outdoor pool and it'll be open until 8 p.m. So I'll be able to take the girls swimming a lot -- and D11 pleaded with me to change because it has a fun kids workout/activity room that is superior to the YMCA.

I'm going to give it three months. If D11 isn't using it I'll go back to the Y. The Y is closer to work and cheaper. A side benefit is the new gym has a younger, more "single" vibe than the Y. So I'll be changing things up. Still, the financial commitment is significant.

I've been reading sitches tonight. BobbiJo's and Mishka in particular. I feel I'm in a lull right now. Perhaps that's a good thing.

[ClingingToHope]

Oh, a side thing and I welcome some feedback.

We also went to the movie store and D11 asked me if I'd have a house by her birthday in February.

I said no. I told her it's going to be a couple of years.

She asked why and I told her I couldn't buy a house until STBXW sold ours. And if STBXW doesn't get the price she needs then the banks will be mad and I won't be able to buy one for at least two years.

She said "well, mom will be able to buy a house, right?"

I told her no, she'd be the same as me.

D11 panicked a bit and said, "we're not going to be out on the street are we?"

I said no, STBXW will have to rent like I do.

D11 got quiet and said "maybe we'll go live with grandma."

I told her I wasn't sure what was going to happen.

I have thought about the living with grandma scenario. I doubt it. STBXW makes more than me and with my child support she should be able to rent a nice place.

The pets though will be an issue.

Did I handle this right? Or should I have been less honest and let the fantasy STBXW is feeding them continue?

Off to watch the movie with the girls.

[awest1217]

I think it was ok for you to tell her about you, but you should deflect any questions about STBXW by telling D11 to ask her because you are not certain of her financial situation, and honestly you don't know everything except she is not being realistic, so that makes STBXW responsible for telling D11 the truth. If she did ask about being on the street, it is good that you said they wouldn't because you are right, that should not happen.

It is all a learning game, but the more you can deflect questions about STBXW by saying you don't know or you need to ask your mom the better because even if she is feeding the girl's a fantasy, it is up to her to take responsibility when that does not happen and not you. She needs to tell them they have to live in an apartment or a rental house or something like that. You can tell them what is going to happen with you and how you have a plan to get a house. This will show them how stable you are and it will help them in the long run. It will also teach them how to set goals financially and how to reach them. All positives.