I hear you about the baseball and your son's request....
It probably does not feel right but you need to interact with Dan alot less. Sorry BBJ...just going with what I am reading here. He does not sound like a very nice person. I don't think he would treat a friend anywhere close to the way he treats you. I don't consider my XW to be a wonderful person but compared to Dan? The interactions we have are ALL very very amicable....if for nothing else my daughter's sake....I am surprised Dan does not get that....I am also worried about how your daughter feels when she sees you bawl after Dan gives you the gears at the schoolyard.....or your son when he sees you guys argue over him....it must be very very stressfull on them. Like always BBJ....I really hope you meet soemone real nice very soon.
BBJ, I was just glancing through a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and read this "New things that actually have hope for the future cannot appear until you get rid of what was taking up the space that the new thing needs" Hmm. Hey, the Cardinals are coming to Toronto soon, I'm stocking up on birdseed!
BBJ, I was just glancing through a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and read this "New things that actually have hope for the future cannot appear until you get rid of what was taking up the space that the new thing needs" Hmm. Hey, the Cardinals are coming to Toronto soon, I'm stocking up on birdseed!
Oh, Wii, hit me with my favorite author, why dontcha?? Which of his books is that gem in?
Survived the baseball game, Nathan was 2/4, I told him not even the pros bat .500! Then after it was over I ran to the car and got the copy of our calendar and the calendars for the kids activities at daycare and gave them to Dan. Now it's up to him what he does with his days...
I agree that there is way too much interaction between you and Dan. Too much "family" time. You guys are divorced. That means that you do not have to answer to him at all anymore. Since when does he get to tell you what to do and how to do it?
And I am just horrified at the emotional abuse he is heaping on the kids. He is doing to them what his mom did to him. It makes me sick. I'm not so sure that it is such a bad thing that Dan doesn't get to spend as much time as he would like with them.
I get sicker still when I think that the kids are simply pawns that he uses to get to you. He is either texting to make sure that you know how wonderful it is for them at his house, or screaming at them and you.
And why in the world does he always feel the need to give you the play-by-play of each and every visit? He's their "FATHER" for f's sake!!
He's figuring out -- deep down -- that he's failing as a dad. I mean he cheated and walked away from a wife willing to forgive. Now he doesn't get to see his kids very much and in his head this can't be all his fault. So he blames you. Unfortunately, you may always be the reason he is unhappy.
I have the feeling I may always be the reason STBXW is unhappy. It can't be her job or her mom or her sister or her own depression issues. It has to be someone other than herself that is to blame for her lot in life.
It'll probably be me forever -- unless someone else is foolish enough to overlook all those issues and marry her.
I'm guessing you'll toughen up over time.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Yeah, I hear you guys. He admits he is stressed and depressed and apparently that makes it ok to lash out at me? I suppose I am 'safe' to him, because I am the one person who has been accepting of him and forgiving of him regardless, and I think he recognizes that on some level.
Not that it makes it ok. But I know that there are times I am pissed at Dan and I snap at my mom for something. I have often in the past vented my anger/frustration at my mom, all the way back to those teen years when everything is dramatic. But I knew she would always be there cause, hey, she was mom, she wasn't going anywhere. So I could chew her out and not lose her. Couldn't take that same risk with friends or boyfriends, so she got to be the recipient.
But I digress...and thanks to IC have made headway on my 'mom' issues. Difference being I am not his mom! Thank goodness.
Just finally got Sydney to bed. Nathan was wiped out after swimming this afternoon and then the baseball game. He crashed on the couch. Lucky me still gets to read a 50 page chapter for class for tomorrow and fill out a study guide. And a "KWL" chart, at least the "KW". For non-teachers, that is what I K-know, W-Want to know, and L-learn about linguistics. Considering the class just started, we only have to do "KW" for tomorrow...yippee!
Hmm...as I am typing here my phone beeped new text. Awful isn't it that little anxiety fight-or-flight sensations go off in my brain, bc at this hour Dan is about the only one who would text... Sure enough it was him. All it said was....
Sorry
Well that leaves it open to interpretation doesn't it?
Sorry for cheating on me? Sorry for leaving me, twice? (Well he was in/out even more often than that, but twice leaving the home.) Sorry for divorcing me? Sorry for blowing up at me all the time when I support him?
I would imagine it stems from me giving him those calendars tonight after baseball and being open to adjustments, considering he was a raging @sshole to me yesterday, and not for the first time...
Well let's just pretend I am asleep and didn't see he texted...
Sorry to hear you're going through this BBJ. Not that it makes anything even far from OK but at least he was thinking about something, felt guilty and wanted to say 'sorry for everything'. Too little too late but be the bigger person you've always been and take comfort in knowing he's the one who has to live with the guilt of what he did. All the times you supported and forgave him will help you move on because you'll have a clear conscience.
Glad you didn't respond, he doesn't get to have instant gratification. Oh and I know about the anxiety and fight or flight sensations all too well...
(((hugs)))
Last edited by StupidRomeo; 06/15/1005:22 AM.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Yeah, it does give me a little satisfaction (not quite the right word, affirmation maybe? I don't know) to know that at eleven at night, hours after seeing me, he was thinking of me to the point that he texted "sorry".
Granted he may be 'sorry' that he just pulled something underhanded I don't know about yet...
There just wasn't anything to respond. In the past I may have said, "Sorry for what?" But that is just fishing. He has a million things to be sorry about.
And I won't say "That's okay" because A)I don't know what he is apologizing for and B)It ISN'T okay
It's not okay to cheat, to lie, to leave....and then to be nasty to the one person who has treated you with kindness undeserved for all this time. It just isn't ok and I cannot, will not let him think it is...
Then after it was over I ran to the car and got the copy of our calendar and the calendars for the kids activities at daycare and gave them to Dan. Now it's up to him what he does with his days...