Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

I hope everything has gone well. I know you are probably busy with H.

You are in my prayers

[Lucky11too]

Thanks! H is sleeping right now, so I'm taking the time to get away. The surgery went well yesterday. The dr came and talked to me afterwards and said how his tonsils were huge so his sleep apnea should be much improved now. Unfortunately right now, b/c of all the swelling, H's sleep apnea is actually worse, so he's been very frustrated by that. I've been trying to get H an c-pap machine, but all these obstacles keep getting in the way w/ the dr saying he doesn't need it and H saying but I can't breathe. I'm trying to be H's rep in this all, but it's hard. Besides the sleep apnea getting to him which has been affecting his sleep again still, he's been doing well with managing the pain so far. H stayed over at the hospital last night and I picked him up this morning, and now he's staying with me. His allergies are already bugging him, so will see how long this lasts for. It was kind of funny at the hospital b/c different nurses or drs would make different comments to H about "your wife" ("your wife taught you to be a good patient" and "your wife can come see you now"). Haha. Kind of felt strange again (like that feeling you get when you first get married and someone says something about your H or about u being a W. It feels foreign).

Everything has gone very well with H and me so far. He's been very appreciative about my help and even though i know he's been tired and grouchy, he's restrained himself from taking it out on me. I know we have a long way to go still, but I'm hoping this is the start of something good. It's great that he took this first step on his own and I hope it's the first of many more steps in the right direct for him to come!

[Lucky11too]

So it's all over now...not sure what to make of everything, but H went back home yesterday. It's been a lot of ups and downs the last few days. There were moments where I would think "this is it - he's finally seeing the light", where I could see him out of the corner of my eye just looking at me, almost just staring. Thru his eyes I could see love and appreciation, but there was still a bit of confusion in it too. There were other times where he would just put his hand on my leg or hand and just squeeze it and other momments of heartfelt thank yous. I was just really able to be there for him in a time when he was really in need and that felt good. These were the good times.

Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. There were things that irked me and reminded me why we would never be able to together forever. For starters, he still continues to try to manipulate me. On Thursday, we stopped by his parents house to say hi, pick up his personals items, etc. He said he would be upstairs for awhile b/c he needed to text everyone to let them know he was ok. (He left his phone at his parents house, thank goodness, so luckily I didn't have to deal w/ his constant texting during his stay.) I told him well, that's fine, as long as that didn't involve any girls. That put him in a hissy fit and he said that he might just go back home that night. (Manipulation part - he knows how to get to me b/c he knows how much I wanted him to stay). I had just started to plead my case but then I reminded myself that I was doing him the favor, so I quickly regained my composure and just said fine, have fun making your own smoothies. He piped down after that. He brought up his texts later to me (his truce?) and said that he had only received a text from a co-worker and one from OW1. Ug, why is she still here? We talked about her for a minute. H said he had told her before he left that since he was going to be out for 2 weeks and if she put her 2 weeks notice in now, he would never have to see her again. (Supposedly, he is really mean to her now, according to all of H's accounts). Then even after his meaness, she still texts him to say hope you're doing well. Get a clue! (this just reaffirms my belief that the only reason why OW1 keeps driving back all this way is for my H - some women seem to just draw to that negativity). H said he just replied thanks, and something how he was doing good, just sore. But that's the end of the OW1 saga. The rest just dealt with little everyday things. Depsite my protests, H would watch shows in front of S that aren't appropriate for a 1.5 year old(nothing horrible, but like CSI and stuff which has way too much violence it in). When I would protest, H would just say I was being ridiculous. I finally just took S to the other room to play and when H asked what I was doing, I just told him that I didn't want S to watch it, so we left. It just reminds me again about 1) his selffishness and 2) his complete lack of knowledge of how to be a dad and how to live with S. Besides that, I could tell he was really fighting his depression too b/c he kept getting really negative about life and honestly, was not a very fun person to be around the last few days. What a downer! But this was the bulk of the bad stuff.

I tried to be somewhat understanding b/c I knew he was grouchy and miserable from all the pain and on top of his sleeping being even worse then before (from the pain + sleep apnea even worse from swelling). On the other hand, I didn't want to be taken advantage of, so I had to really try to walk that fine line. I think I did as well as I could, and like I said before, he was truely appreciative of my help. In fact, he even told me he wanted to buy me something, but then asked what I wanted. I didn't have an answer for him, but I wish he would just take the extra step to actually think about something special he wants to get me and surprise me.

Last note, so H went home last night. I thought he was going to stay the whole weekend, but he said he had told me he was only going to stay Thursday night (not sure when he told me that, but he swears he did), but then when we wasn't feeling good enough still, so asked to stay Friday. For me, it's a momentous occasion b/c we finally got past the so called 1 night rule (since he has never stayed over for more than 1 night in a row before since we separated - if you recall my earlier posts on this). But yesterday he did leave. He said he was just ready to go home and just needed time to be miserable by himself. He said he had a hard time sleeping with me b/c he was afraid he would wake me. But I had a really hard time when he left - I suppose not so much that I really truely desired H to stay (b/c I was really beyond exhaustion from taking care of H and S, emotionally drained to keep a positve attitude in the midst of his depression ,etc) but b/c when he left, the loneliness set in again. Being separated, you just learn to life with it and it goes away, but then you get a taste of what it feels like to have someone next to you in bed at night, and someone to snuggle with on the couch and watch tv, but then it's all gone again. I kept up a strong front when H was leaving and just went with it, but the moment he left, I just broke down. I'm sure it didn't help that I was exhausted, but my heart just hurt so bad. Not even S could pull me out of it. I just hope it affected him as much as it affected me, but I guess only time will tell.

Today is a much better day. I had a great night of sleep last night (yay, no interruptions from H's medicine, icepacks, etc) and woke up feeling refreshed. I took S to the park today and we just had just an awesome time. I just love S so much! What a wonderful little kid. So, I really don't know what's going to happen with H and me, but I'm glad I had this chance to show him thru actions my love, and I guess just continue to take one day at a time.

[awest1217]

I think you did exactly what you wanted to do. You showed him through actions that you want this to work. Now you need to figure out what you are going to do from here. How do you want to handle H? It will take some time for the swelling to go down and for him to start feeling results from the surgery, but what do you want? There is really nothing else left for you to wait for.

Glad everything went as well as expected and you both got a glimpse of how life could be if you reconcile.

[Lucky11too]

Ug, exactly. We're in unknown territory now. I always had something to look forward to (ie, if we can just make it to this or that point, then we'll see) and now we've done all these milestones. (well unless you count the so called decision moment that H must make at the end of the year, if that happens - but I think it's going to be more of a slow process of either togetherness or being apart - not some epiphany moment). So now, there's just the slow process of recovery now, with no defining moment of healing. I'm not sure how exactly to proceed now or exactly what to do, but just need to make sure to stand my ground, stay strong, and see what happens.

Well, I'm back at work today and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. It's amazing how much work can accumulate from just a few days off. Blah. Well, better get right to it. Lots to do!

[awest1217]

Well just hang in there. You have done awesome! Now you really need to think about you and what you want so you can have a new goal and that is the healthy, happy relationship you deserve.

[awest1217]

Just checking in to be sure everything is ok. I am sure you are busy at work and probably nothing much going on with H. Hope you enjoy the up coming weekend!

[Lucky11too]

What a crazy week - i don't know where to start. First of all, work has just been ridiculous this week. There is way to much for one person to do and basically the bosses want everything done yesterday so to speak. Then to add to that, they just fired my co-worker (we are the only 2 non-management employees left in our office), so that just added more to my plate. They are hiring a new girl starting Monday, but I hate having to waste time to do training. So anyways, I spent the whole morning today kind of cross training with my co-worker so I can train the new girl on Monday. I am already so stressed about getting my own work done, that I really didn't need this. The only one good thing out of all of this is that as a reward to me for all my hard work, I'm getting an office (w/ windows!) Moving up in the world here! haha.

Somewhat eventful week with H too! We've been communicating a lot via text. Tuesday he asked to come to dinner (I don't really invite him myself to dinner b/c I don't want to come off as too pushy, so I'm glad he wanted to come and that he iniated it). That went well. Wednesday comes and we texted alot because his scabs from the surgery were coming off (it was pretty gross!), so he was asking me what was normal and stuff from my research. It's always a concern that the bleeding will not stop. He got the bleeding to stop and he was kind of doing his own thing. Around 9:30 - 10, he says he wants to come over and asks if I'm too tired. Unfortunately I was. In fact, I was completely drained and hadn't slept good the previous night. So I turned him down, but suggested instead, we hang out Thurs night. I went back and forth on this the next day thinkng about my decision. In one sence, I questioned my decision b/c he wanted to spend the time with me, which is great and I want to encourage that. But on the otherhand, I don't want to be too available and was thinking it was good that I was playing a little hard to get (and besides, I needed my sleep!) We still talked the next day, but he did seem a little more distant. He then told me he didn't feel up to hanging out together that night, but suggested Friday instead. I was a little bummed out, but just went with it. So this morning, of course I'm doing all this training. I get back to my desk and I have several text messages and a missed call and VM from H! It turns out he woke up choking this morning on blood and couldn't get it to stop, so then had to drive himself down to the doctor! They got it all taken care of and he is doing good now, but I felt soooo horrible - not only for what he went thru but b/c I wasn't there for him when he truely needed me. He was completely understanding about what I was dealing with at work, but I still felt bad. Since I doubted he would feel up to coming down now, I suggested that I could come keep him company at his place. He said that he was just wanted to be by himself there or if he felt up to it, he would just come to my place (b/c of S he said). Well, I guess that's a valid point since I want to be with S and that's where he'll be at. I'm not completely happy that I still haven't been to his place yet, but I'm trying to not make a big deal out of it (yet!) b/c I know it will just make him want to push back that much more. It's ridculous, I know, but sometimes you just have to know and go by what you know they'll do/think. Oh, almost forget, another important thing. So yesterday, in our texts, our cell plan is coming up, so H asked what I wanted to do. I played it coy trying to figure out if he meant specifically, like what phones, or if he was talking about getting different plans. I asked him back what he thought and he says back a couple of differnt phones he liked (phew!). Short story is that he didn't mention anything about getting separate plans and instead we're getting upgraded phones. It's encouraging b/c almost a year ago I was getting yelled at by him for not transferring over to my own plan when he had released my number for me ("opps, I guess I forgot" was my line back then. =P haha.)

So, a lot going on! There are definitely some small positive steps, but there is still just sooooo much to go thru! I still just wish I could take a 2x4 to him to knock some sense into him and see the light. haha. Well, just hoping for a good weekend!

[Lucky11too]

Another eventful weekend. H kept going back and forth on Friday night about coming over b/c he didn't feel good, so I just went about and did my own thing. Finally, he asks if I want to watch a movie with him, so he comes over and we watch Alice in Wonderland. He stayed over and slept in pretty late the next day b/c he hadn't slept much at the previous night bc of the whole choking on blood issue. Yuck! It was very encourging to me. He snoring has improved so much and I didn't hear any apneas, so I hope that means he is on the way to recovery. Unfortunately, he is still not sleeping well b/c he is in a lot of pain, but it does sound like the surgery worked and it's only a matter of time before he is able to sleep again. H stayed around on Saturday and played with S for a little and then when S was napping, he went on the computer the rest of the afternoon. He started looking at cars and was getting these wild ideas about getting a fast sports car. I told him he was being riducilous, but he got upset at me for giving him a hard time. I finally just let it go. I know the routine. He gets all crazy into something, but sometime later it dies down. I had learned a long time again not to get too excited about H's crazy ideas, b/c they usually passed eventually. My BIL and sis were going over for BIL's b-day, so as soon as H found out, he left. He said he didn't feel up to "celebrating". Understandable, but I was sad he left. Sunday, it was pretty interesting. The night before when I sent a good night text, he responds back that he'll call me tomorrow (that's a first!) and asked what I have planned (I was already asleep by then). He then texts me first thing in the morning to see what I had planned for the day. I let him know my plans. He said he wanted to come down and see S, but he was just feeling so miserable. He ended up not coming, but made plans instead to have dinner with us tonight. Lastly, he made plans to have another movie night with me next Friday (another first to actually plan something in advance with me!).

So, in one sense, I feel that a lot of progress is being made. I am almost being to feel like there is a possibility that we would want to be married still (the first step in a long series of hurdles). Maybe I'm just being a little overly optimistic, but it gives me some hope. On the other hand, I keep questioning what I really want. In some ways, I don't want it to work out b/c I really don't feel he'll ever truely change - that I will have to compromise my values and continuously fight just to make it work. If "he decides" he wants to be married but then I pull out b/c of the lack of agreement between us, I'm the bad guy again. I want a healthy R but I'm afraid Ill never get that from H. But then it keeps going back to S and what is best for him, and I don't want him to have his life and family broken. It's still just so hard, you know? I'm glad H seems to be making progress, but it's scary too.

Well, back to training the new girl today. Blah. She's super nice, but I just really don't have the extra time for this. =/

[awest1217]

One thing to think about is that the choking and possibly almost dying from it could have changed H's outlook. You were there for him through the surgery and that probably let him know how much you still care. Then when he was choking, he went for you and it may have even let him realize on his own that you are more important to him than he realized.

You still can't get overly optimistic, but he is planning stuff with you almost every chance he gets. It is still falling through, but he is making the plans and it truly could be from him not feeling well because I know adults take so much longer to recover from surgery. The good part of him planning stuff with you is that it to me means he isn't planning stuff with "his buddies". You and S are first on him mind now.

Yes, there is still work to do, but you never know what could happen. You wouldn't want to jump back into always being together right now anyway, but there is progress so just keep it up, and who knows what could happen before his end of the year mark.