This morning, my H sends me a stipulated judgement to have notarized for the divorce. I later respond by telling him that I have had the document notarized and it will be dropped off (not by me) at his office. I also say "I am sad that it has come to this. I don't think I will ever really fully understand what happened. I will always love and miss the man you used to be."
I just received a response...he said "I miss you too".
Upside, He's not trying to do anything. He does miss you in his own way. He didn't completely read your response to him. He just skimmed over it and picked up on the fact that you miss him. It's normal behavior for a depressed soul to do this. They hear and read what they want to and leave the rest outside the universe.
If you allow every off the cuff comment he makes drive you nuts, then I guarantee it will. He's just as nutty as a fruit cake. Many of them are like that for a very long time. Others stay that way forever. Let's hope and pray that your h finds himself and can heal...better late than never.
Comments such as his latest one are for the book of crazy comments. Let it go....
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
They hear and read what they want to and leave the rest outside the universe.
snodderly, thank you. I am sure this is true and need to remind myself of that. I can't allow myself to be sucked back into all of this. I need to keep moving forward.
On the radio the other day they were talking about OCD and while listening to them talk, I kept thinking there were similarities between OCD and my H's MLC...the main thing that stood out was that OCD is about control but the more they try to control things with their OCD behavior, the more out of control it becomes. Am I off base?
glam-I think the bottom line is that they don't know what they want. At what point do we give up waiting for them to "snap out of it"? I have come to the conclusion in my sitch that my H knowing that I am "waiting" has enabled him to be stuck. Why should he want to change anything if he has what he considers to be the best of both worlds?
peace-As long as I don't let myself get sucked back in, I am ready to move on. I am fighting to keep moving forward and today I was tempted several times to pick up the phone and ask him why we are doing this. I just have to remind myself that I want someone in my life who is capable of loving me and being loved.
Grace-
Originally Posted By: Grace_O
I just want him to own it, by taking the responsibility to do what he wants done instead of me doing it.
I want my H to be able to accept his responsibility as well but maybe I am in a different situation since we do not have children together. I feel it is better for me to move on then spend more of my life waiting for something I may never get.
On the radio the other day they were talking about OCD and while listening to them talk, I kept thinking there were similarities between OCD and my H's MLC...the main thing that stood out was that OCD is about control but the more they try to control things with their OCD behavior, the more out of control it becomes. Am I off base?
If your H is having an affair, then no; you're not off base.
On top of the brain producing chemicals like seratonin and norepinephrine when we are in the "infatuated" state, areas of the brain that are very active are the same areas that are active during excitement and OCD.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Hi TH- After being separated for more than 3 years, I have still found no evidence of an affair. My H is a developing germaphobe and hypocondriac...I could be wrong but I think my H would be too scared he would get an STD if he were too have sex with someone else.
upside you dont seem ready to really let go doing thew footwork is good focusing on yourslef maybe going dark will help you have to decide if yiou want to keep a foot in or not peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
TimeHeals- Apparently I'm not that patient! Actually I've never been that patient...My H's indecision, my loathing of the thought of another divorce (this is my 2nd M), counseling, this board plus some family issues had somehow kept me holding on. In the beginning it was tough, I was counting the days, and then weeks, and then months and then all of a sudden more than 3 years had passed. I cringe at the thought of it. I tried to end it 6 month ago but my H came back and said he missed me and wanted to move back. As the C said, my H has trouble pulling the trigger. It doesn't really matter to me anymore. Looks like you are fairly new to all of this...I wish you the best.
Originally Posted By: peacetoday
you dont seem ready to really let go
peace- I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be. I can not keep doing the back and forth thing. It isn't good for me and it isn't good for my kids. There are times I miss my H but overall I am fine. Monday when he sent me the document to have notarized, I was already feeling a little sad and then it hurt more to just get the document like that. He just seems so cold and business like when he emails me the divorce stuff. I guess sending my H the email back was my final futile way of trying to help him realize that his behavior is far from normal. I admit there is still a part of me that hopes he will still pull his head out of his a$$ but even if he did, I'm not sure it isn't already too late. My H would have to a 180 and be totally committed to the M for me to trust him and I don't see that ever happening. Anyway, today my H sent me a couple of unnecessary emails...neither of which I replied to. Maybe they were nothing but I feel like he is testing the water. If he keeps it up, he will find that the water is pretty chilly!
upside I think your situation is harder than most b/c your H is so indecisive my xh wanted the D there was no looking back for him'yours is so mushy always throwing in some diversion to make you spin so it is harder and there will probably more carrots tossed to see if yiu take the bait and b/c you both still care for eachother and your H is not really sure it may take longer and coming to this point of pushing the D is painful you have given it a lot of thought and care and it came so close to a R, closer than most so it makes sense it may be harder to ket go maybe i was too harsh in my last post take your time'you are doing great 'Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
My H just came by my office for supposably for company business reasons, I am sure it is nothing that couldn't have been handled over the phone. When he was here, he asked if we could talk...of course he starts out with small talk about the kids and then starts in on how he thinks I look look pretty and I smell good. He asked if we could just go out to dinner sometime as friends. Says he can't imagine his life without me...blah, blah, blah. I told him I have heard it all before and nothing changes...and for the time being, I am still his wife and I don't want to be his friend. He said he needs to figure himself out and something about having 6 months before the D is final. He talked about how he is still depressed and just doesn't feel like doing anything. When he left he apologized for making me crazy with all this stuff.
I just can't understand why he can't get past this stuff one way or the other. He is like a dog chasing his own tail. He did mention that he was angry about rushing the D through. Funny because it is all signed, notarized and ready to go but he still has yet to file it.
Since my H can't really deal with any of this stuff, I think I am on the right track here by moving forward without him. It gives him the opportunity to see what life is like without me and that he will lose me forever if something doesn't change.
peace-I didn't think you were harsh. I always appreicate you thoughts and input. My H's indecision has certainly prolonged the situation...in some ways, making it more difficult but in others it has helped me to figure out that the majority of the issues that my H and I have are his alone. At least I don't have small children or an OW (this time) to deal with...that wasn't fun either. My heart goes out to you and everyone else who is dealing with that.
What is he trying to do?