Well, like the Crystal Method, I have to Keep Hope Alive.
I didn't get a chance to watch the video with her parents, but I gave it to them.
I found out her and her mom had a talk, and apparently her parents are standing by her. BUT ONLY in the context of "if you are that unhappy, what else can you do?" They did tell her I have been talking to them. If her parents are truly behind her and WANT her to leave me, I might be done for.
She is also asking friends to contact the FB guy, and see why he won't talk to her. To her I am the "psycho" husband now, and she feels like I am constantly watching her. I want "to keep her to myself" as she says.
Boy, I guess guilt does that? I KNOW she is scared and hurting. She is scared of the unknown after divorce, and she is hurt that the marriage turned out like this. But right now she wants to run as far away from me as possible.
All she sees is that I can't accept the divorce, and she repeats that like it is her life Mantra. It makes her see me as this wacko husband who can't accept the inevitable, and she thinks that is totally pathetic.
So basically, she wants to run as far away from this "crazy" guy. So I am trying to alleviate that with my DB. I need to change myself in order to change the way she sees me.
Any suggestions on how to do that? She is so paranoid I am spying, and that is all she thinks about when she thinks of me. She can't "trust" me.
I am practicing "detachment", but she has a hard time of letting things go, so I think she will feel this way for a while.
I am wondering what I need to do to diffuse this situation. She is starting to see my detachment so variably. I don't really speak to her, which she sees as me being "mad" at the divorce. When I do talk to her, I am calm and totally unemotional. She sees this as "flipping", and it is driving her crazy.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
She is also asking friends to contact the FB guy, and see why he won't talk to her. To her I am the "psycho" husband now, and she feels like I am constantly watching her. I want "to keep her to myself" as she says.
Yawn--seriously text book. You are psycho for confronting and exposing... what? The truth. Man, how will you ever forgive yourself? You must be so ashamed you told the TRUTH.
Quote:
she wants to run as far away from this "crazy" guy. So I am trying to alleviate that with my DB. I need to change myself in order to change the way she sees me.
Who is stopping her from leaving? You have her chained up in the basement or something? Ask her to leave.
You need to do the 180s and detach for YOU, not because it will change how she sees you. She is off in affair land, and you have exposed her nasty little secret, so you have stood up to her, so she has no idea what you are capable of right now-she thought she could bully you into total submission, but you suprised her.
Now ask her to leave. You cannot continue to tollerate her contacting or even trying to contact OM while she is in the same home, and if she doesn't want to work on the M, then she needs to go.
Your M may fail, but at least you will have self-respect and a little dignity. You aren't going to have those things or a M if you let her keep doing what she is doing right under your nose.
That's just my 2 cents. I am ready to throw in the towel for you.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/14/1011:34 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
She is also asking friends to contact the FB guy, and see why he won't talk to her. To her I am the "psycho" husband now, and she feels like I am constantly watching her. I want "to keep her to myself" as she says.
Yawn--seriously text book. You are psycho for confronting and exposing... what? The truth. Man, how will you ever forgive yourself? You must be so ashamed you told the TRUTH.
Quote:
she wants to run as far away from this "crazy" guy. So I am trying to alleviate that with my DB. I need to change myself in order to change the way she sees me.
Who is stopping her from leaving? You have her chained up in the basement or something? Ask her to leave.
You need to do the 180s and detach for YOU, not because it will change how she sees you. She is off in affair land, and you have exposed her nasty little secret, so you have stood up to her, so she has no idea what you are capable of right now-she thought she could bully you into total submission, but you suprised her.
Now ask her to leave. You cannot continue to tollerate her contacting or even trying to contact OM while she is in the same home, and if she doesn't want to work on the M, then she needs to go.
Your M may fail, but at least you will have self-respect and a little dignity. You aren't going to have those things or a M if you let her keep doing what she is doing right under your nose.
That's just my 2 cents. I am ready to throw in the towel for you.
Add my two cents to TimeHeals'. DITTO. 100% agree.
There's some serious trust panic in the home right now, which is normal...
So, set your phone down on the coffee table in front of you one day and when she accuses you of things... tell her...
Go ahead, look at the cell phone... Those who have nothing TO HIDE, hide NOTHING...
We need to be able to trust each other if we are going to repair anything here and I am adult enough to put my feet in the water first... look at the phone... you can look at it ANY TIME you WANT TO... just ASK...
Can YOU tell ME the SAME?
That means YOu are acting destructively, where as I am not... I am trying to rebuild and repair, not escape and hide like a coward... I want you to trust me, so go ahead.. look at hte phone
I am trying to rebuild and repair, not escape and hide like a coward...
She sees this and is completely disgusted with it. I am definitely not pursuing, but I do stand my ground on issues like this. "I did what I felt I had to do...". "I am sorry you feel that way" ect.
She still sees me as hovering over her, or spying on her. "I can't trust you" is a common phrase when she talks about what I did with her 2 guy friends. She is flailing about when it comes to that one guy. She is so desperate for his "guidance" through divorce. She also said "I am NOT going to lose another friend because of my husband". He is a high school friend, but now she sees him as the way to keep herself happy through this process.
Now let's hope that the same hold true for her as it does me: The more she pursues him the less he will want her.
I want to try something different: Since she sees me as so committed to this marriage and it disgusts her, I need to do a 180 and actually start to really let her go.
I was thinking of writing up a His/Hers list of who gets what if and when we divide assets. I just want it to be know what I want and what I am willing to give.
I HAVE to start the process, and I HAVE to accept that this is over.
And I am going to stand my ground on this house. I want the house instead of selling it. I will buy her out if I have to get 10 jobs to make it.
She is slowly making her bed just as I did. And she is going to have to lie in it too.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
OK QS, I don`t know if that`s the route to take here... BUT, I don`t live with her... the best visibility we get here is may be 25 - 30 %... This is why ultimately you need to make some key decisions on your own...
Maybe you going this route might shock her.. I really don`t know... I would keep putting those truth darts out there though...
When she calls them friends, you counter it with affair-partner, and even point out one of them was MARRIED
Or
Pursing other men while you are married is called cheating... you can call it a friendship or put icing or candles and whatever decorations you want on it, but its still Cheating
She is soooooo hung up on me exposing. Anger beyond words. And I am almost certain the talk her and her mom had just solidified her resolve.
I have no idea where I now stand with her parents, but they definitely told her I have been talking to them about saving the marriage. This again has only strengthened her resolve.
She has contacted 2 friends to get this FB guy to message her back. She is pursuing him RELENTLESSLY. She just needs a "friend" so to speak.
I seem to have REALLY ticked her off and made her want this guy even more. The more she wants him, the more she is angry with me.
The detachment makes her think I am just a ping pong ball because I am happy, busy, but my interactions with her are short, unemotional, and detached.
Anyone have a small stepwise suggestion to proceed from HERE.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Maybe she's hung up on your spying more than the exposing. The idea of being able to break into her account and see her initimate and risky converstations.
Just like she hurt you, she feels hurt. She probably wants a lot of control over what is going on. She's probably doing a lot of self-talking herself into thinking she was right, justified, not bad, etc.
Aren't these the times you need to say if this is a woman you want kids with!
Let her pursue him. If you find ways to keep up the pressure to leave the FB people or have them leave her, great. But in the end, she may just hide her online attempts at an affair better in the future or go after a man at her job/etc. She seems a bit vindictive...out to punish you. Love makes people do all sorts of bad things.
Really though, you exposed her and she filed. She's got some real guts to not even apolgize. So let her go off like a wild cannon.
Go ahead with your life, your goals. Work on the 180s and moving on with your self-improvments. IN TIME, she may notice, turn back, and ask forgiveness. Maybe she won't, too. Do you want to look back in 6 months and say, "what happened to my life" or "wow, I can imagine being happy with her or without"?
She is soooooo hung up on me exposing. Anger beyond words. And I am almost certain the talk her and her mom had just solidified her resolve.
Everybody told you she was going to get angry, right?
There was zero chance of saving your M and having a wife who you trusted if there were no consequences for the affair.
Quote:
She has contacted 2 friends to get this FB guy to message her back.
Also normal: the junkie needs a fix.
What is everybody telling you now? Get a L, pull back, do not engage, do not let her disrespect you, and if she threatens to leave, ask her to leave and be glad she is gone.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
The FT is the "friend" your wife needs... I always view an affair partner as a "anti Family Therapist" in that the AP will feed the negative engergy and drive the spouse to destroy the marriage while the family therapist will feed the positives and drive to rebuild the marriage...
your wife does need to be fed some energy and a direction, but going to another man who isnt' trained and licensed to rebuild marriages is NOT going to help her... she's got the right idea, she does need an outlet, we all do..
But your wife isnt' educated to look in the healthy places for it...
If you can find a FT, your wife may just be desperate enough to go there... You can just tell her
"The FT just wants to hear what you have to say, they aren't going to tell you to do anything... Isn't that what you want is an ear for your pain?"
Try to sell it like that...
But YOU need to go FIRST to interview the FT so to speak... Don't send her to a FT blind without any idea of what the FT is giong to say...
