i'm trying to get an understanding. i just feel so guilty, like if i had appreicate dthe things he did for me that he wouldn;t have resented me so much and we could have had a decent relationship. i feel like i destroyed our marriage.... how do i work through the guilt?
No doubt you were not a perfect wife, no one is, but just because you aren't perfect doesn't mean that you deserve to be abused. Even if you weren't as appreciative as you might have been, your shortcomings as a wife do not even come close to his failings as a husband.
Didn't you say that he blamed his ex-W for all the problems in the relationship? Now, he blames you for all the problems in your marriage, right? How much responsibility has he taken for improving? Just because he blames you for everything, doesn't mean he is right.
Forgive yourself for your errors and take responsibility for improving yourself. Do not take on responsibility for HIS behavior.
