Well I just got over a roller coaster weekend and received a serious R phone call from the wife this morning and could use some help with my impending R talk she wants to have later tonight- arrgggghhh!
The weekend was a family only gather for our oldest S22 college - great job for him! Well dinner went pretty well with all, I was quite engaging and everyone had a great time, expect my W - she could not take the good natured joking with her and I had to remind her once or twice that it was all in jest - nothing out of the norm with all of us really, but mine were taken wrong naturally. The evening progressed at home with my S22 and I having a great history (his major)exam he was throwing at me and me doing an ok job fielding the questions, while my wife sat at the kitchen counter on her facebook. She asked at one point what we were doing and we told her - she felt uninvited and left upstairs - the rest of the kids S13, D15 came in and we sat for another couple of hours watching a standup show, laughing our *sses off, with her upstairs in bed.
I asked her the next morning when she got back from another 6 hour bike ride with her new friends why she didnt come down - "no one came and asked me" My s22 kinda laughed at her - not me! Sunday came and I made a spectacular meal - which is one of my 180's and made her favorite pecan pie that she had bookmarked in the mag she gave me. She had been pretty cool all day so I stayed the polite and distance path for the evening.
This morning I get the call, she wants to know the name of the therapist I found that I have NOT gone to - yet. He's pro-marriage that I found on these forums - I'm want to use him as my stop gap in CC, when she's ready to try. She asked me what was wrong with the one's through our HMO and I told her that you don't know their motivation, it's all about you and you being happy (along with only your side of the R story - didn't say that though) and that this therapist was a pro-marriage type. She went on to say that she wants someone to help her deal with me, not our R - that I'm not the same person she married and that I've been up and down with my moods - well I can say is the up and down is truly myself reacting to her moods - if she's up and talkative I'm all ears and engaging - 180 as well - if shes cold and distant I'm polite and distant- not sure if that's the right call or not.
Part two this am is that she still says that I don't get it,that I don't understand what she wants - I told her yes that I do, you want to leave. You have the money and you can (I think she is looking at renting a house right behind us possibly). She said she wants all of this to be friendly and I said it is what it is. She's afraid I will be very mean and nasty about it and she's scared of me.
Part three is that I have really been trying very hard to connect with our four kids another 180 - doing very well with two of them- well she says today that it seems I'm trying to rally them around me, told her that I'm their father and will be forever and there's nothing wrong with that. I know it's way late in life, but I hope to have a few more years left and I will be part of their lives regardless!
The tone I get from her is that she's jealous of me doing this with the kids- she's raised them all according to her and I should fall in line being the bad guy to them as well as her - I've caused the marriage to fall apart because of my emotional abuse towards her and she knows that if she is the one to leave, she will get the black eye initially, not me.
So god only knows what new bomb has been loaded for tonight R talk- all I know is I'm scared as hell that I don't blow it! I will stay cool - but I could really use some advice before stepping into the ring!
Thanks
DD
Me 49 H 46 M 23yrs T 25 yrs Bomb Drop 4/2010 S22/D19/D15/S13
Same roof, different beds
"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
You've already had the ILYBINILWY bomb, you already know about the OM, and she already gave you the same spew all the WAW's give.
How can it get worse?
Stay calm, stay focused and stay on message. You are standing for your marriage. If she wants to stay, go to MC and work on the M, great. You'd rather fight for her than fight with her. If not, she is free to leave.
Be the best DD you can be. You'll be fine either way.
somewhat similar circumstances here so my heart goes out to u. be strong, GAL. love the saying: "expect the worst, hope for the best." i believe Coach is the one who places that on his posts. it is the TRUTH.
w/ texting, there are actually software programs that will enable u to view SMS/texts, but it depends on your phone. i just found out about it 2 days ago while googling about keystroke software, eblaster or aobo.
this is for things like iphones, androids, blackberries, etc. apparently you buy the software from the above site, it's downloaded onto your computer, you load it onto the phone of interest, it literally goes into hiding with only u knowing how to pull it up and it transmits texts verbatim to an acct maintained at the above site where u can log into and check them. the catch is u pay monthly fee (either for 3, 6, 12 months i think?).
we live in a crazy, crazy time. whatever stuff we might have like keystroke counters, etc can u imagine what is really out there if u have the time and money and even gov't on ur side. would be nervous about this sort of thing.
