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LSG #2017769 06/09/10 04:19 PM
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It is nice you are doing something you enjoy. What instrument do you play. I may have missed if you already said. Sorry if I did!



I play guitar and sing. I do enjoy it, it's a blast!


Me-43
W-36
TS-10
D-7
S-4
M-11
Rings off-8/16/2010

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Did your W say she wouldn't go back for another MC session? Not right now but perhaps in a couple weeks you can ask her if she wants to go again or better yet tell her you made an appt and she is welcome to join you. This way she won't feel you're controlling her to do so...it will be her choice. I would tell her that you appreciate her going to the first MC session and learned a lot from listening to her.

Hang in there my friend.

By the way, I play drums. Not great or in a band but I love putting on my headphones and playing. Great stress reliever. I can't sing a lick...wish I could. I have a guitar and taken some lessons but never could get the hang of it. Thinking of picking it back up but drums is my favorite.


M 38
WAW 36
Together 19 years
Married 12 years
Bomb/Separated Oct. 09
I love my wife
Sitch
mza8 #2017821 06/09/10 05:22 PM
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Did your W say she wouldn't go back for another MC session? Not right now but perhaps in a couple weeks you can ask her if she wants to go again or better yet tell her you made an appt and she is welcome to join you. This way she won't feel you're controlling her to do so...it will be her choice. I would tell her that you appreciate her going to the first MC session and learned a lot from listening to her.


She hasn't mentioned anything at all about it. Waiting a couple of weeks and asking her again sounds like a good idea. Like I said, I was thinking of going for IC anyway.

Quote:
By the way, I play drums. Not great or in a band but I love putting on my headphones and playing. Great stress reliever. I can't sing a lick...wish I could. I have a guitar and taken some lessons but never could get the hang of it. Thinking of picking it back up but drums is my favorite.


It is a great stress reliever, isn't it? I am teaching one of the twins to play and he is coming along really well. I also play drums, piano, and piddle around on numerous other instruments. The kids love playing around on the piano and guitar. The band I used to be in had a reunion type thing last year and our picture was in the local paper. My son had to take it to school to show his friends that his dad was "famous". Pretty funny.


Me-43
W-36
TS-10
D-7
S-4
M-11
Rings off-8/16/2010

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Hey there! Just checking in on you! Hope all is good with you!


M: 32
H: 34
S:5
D: 3
D: 1
Together 11 years
Married 7
Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off)
ILYBINILWY: 08/09

"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting."
-Laura Munson
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Thanks for checking in, THA.

Things are okay.

I still need to follow up with some things that I started with W. She still has made no move to leave and told the MC she was done trying which still leaves me in that wonderfull land of limbo. I am fine if she wants to go. All I can do is be a good dad and live my life to the fullest, which I am doing.

I know you're having a tough time yourself. Take care and love those sweet little ones! You have your hands full with a 3yo and a 1yo. Enjoy every minute, they grow up soooo fast!


Me-43
W-36
TS-10
D-7
S-4
M-11
Rings off-8/16/2010

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IDU,

Limbo sucks, and it never seems to end. However, life will move forward in one direction or the other. Just go with the flow at the moment, and it will be okay.

I find that being a good parent and focusing on the kids is the best way to deal with the sitch because they bring so much joy and pleasure. I love being with my kids more than ever. I am glad that I have focused on them more than W.

They will remember the time you have spent with them. Your relationship will be better than ever. That is something to be thankful for.

IDU, I am glad you have progressed to the point you are now. You have come along way. I am very encouraged by your positive attitude to keep moving forward too.


ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010
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IDU, sorry the MC process has been disappointing frown . That's not really "giving it a try" on your W's part.

Congrats on getting into the band! smile I love that you're involved your children in your music. No one can take away the great person that you are, especially as a father.

I think that reclaiming the marital bed is a good idea. Stand your ground...it commands respect. I love it when the vets recommend that men say "I've decided...". There's no down side to asserting yourself in a dignified way.

(((hugs)))


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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Journaling

Had a good weekend. Stayed busy, got a lot of work done and had fun playing music and being with the kids.

Sun. night, I asked W if she had got a lawyer yet. She said no, why? I asked if she would like to continue MC. She said she didn't see the point, that I didn't like what the C had to say. I wanted the C to put all the blame on her, I didn't accept any responsibility for anything, blah, blah, blah. (All of which isn't true)

So I said, "Okay, I will get a L this week and we can get started on legally ending this M." She continued saying she is done, I can't try anymore by myself....all the same crap. I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I know you have been frustrated in the past with me. I have not always been fun to be around. I am going to the C again to help me work on my shortcomings. I think this M can be saved and made better than it was. I understand if you don't agree and am okay with that. If you are sure that's what you want, let's not put it off any longer."

I then turned to go outside. She said to stay and eat supper. Don't want to, not hungry. Stay and sit down. What's left to talk about? She didn't mean that she wanted to get the L involved right now, just that it was a possibility down the road. WTF?

I went out in the shed, and she followed a few minutes later. I told her I had talked to the school board V.P. about a few things. Not enough time to go into all of it here. She got caught in more lies, stretching the truth, and partial truths. Like how I was the only one who thought anything was going on with her and the super. Not true.

Anyway, she backed off of everything. Again. Like she has before. I am out enjoying life and doing things for myself and she doesn't like it one bit. She admitted she doesn't know what she would do or where she would live if she left.

How to turn the corner? I know things won't be all lovey dovey overnight. It seems like we have been her a time of two and it always reverts back to what it was. Is it because her heart's not really in it, or is it something I am doing wrong?

I'm ready to move on with or without her. Preferably with her. How do I maximize my DB efforts so this doesn't slip back into the same old crap?


Me-43
W-36
TS-10
D-7
S-4
M-11
Rings off-8/16/2010

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How to turn the corner?


Start by stopping her mind reading.

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I asked if she would like to continue MC. She said she didn't see the point, that I didn't like what the C had to say. I wanted the C to put all the blame on her, I didn't accept any responsibility for anything, blah, blah, blah. (All of which isn't true)


Don't let her get away with that. Women use statements as questions - Did you like what what the C had to say? Do you want to put all the blame on me? Do you accept responsiblity for anything? Next time use this as a opportunity to address the issues. Really listen to what she is saying.

Quote:
I understand if you don't agree and am okay with that. If you are sure that's what you want, let's not put it off any longer."


this is good, note the reaction

Quote:
She said to stay and eat supper. Stay and sit down. She didn't mean that she wanted to get the L involved right now, just that it was a possibility down the road.


note what got some positive movement, stay aware and lead


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
Sun. night, I asked W if she had got a lawyer yet. She said no, why? I asked if she would like to continue MC. She said she didn't see the point, that I didn't like what the C had to say.


I could be very wrong, but I do not think she is saying no. She is saying that it doesn't seem to help. In other words, her concerns (to her) are not being met. Maybe offer Retrovaille again. Or, suggest a different MC (maybe a DB coach?).

My IC said that a good MC should set goals of what do you want (future tense) in the future from a happy marriage to your spouse. Was your MC using goals?

Instead of moving forward, you asked about a L. Considering where you were a few months ago, do you really have that little patience for a change? If so, then the question is appropriate. If not, why ask for what you don't want. Do you want her to get a L and get the idea of a D more into her head?

She wants you to stay because she LOVES YOU around! That is progress. You're doing some good stuff. Why not apologize for a bit of overreacting on your and her part, and try to get MC or an alternative going.

I know it seems like she's in an EA. If she is, it will come out in time. If she is wanting to work on the relationship, she is putting you first. Ask if you must, but if the answer isn't going to help you meet your goal, why ask?

Look for those 180s you haven't done to earn back her trust, and to have her earn your trust. She lied/is ashamed of something. It will come out in time.

Just thoughts...good luck with what you decide.

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