I enjoyed talking with you yesterday... I'm glad you called.
Dan... He is stressed and depressed, but you didn't cause it. He isn't happy with the choices he's made, and you didn't cause them. However, you do have the privilege of being the one person he can blame everything on, so that he doesn't have to take the responsibility himself.
It does seem that seeing you winds him up, and when he gets wound up, he tries to wind you up. And the atmosphere that sets up can't be good for the kids. So, why not do whatever you can to prevent those interactions? At first it will make him mad, but he's going to be mad anyway, so it isn't a big deal, nor is it your problem. Yesterday... probably would have been better not to have him join you in teaching Nate to ride. I know that's hard for you. But, at least for now, there's no such thing as "family time" with Dan.
I agree Jeff. The kids wanted us all to go see Toy Story when it comes out this weekend. Instead i am going to suggest they go with daddy for father's day and I can watch it another time...we don't need to go together.
(((((BobbiJo))))) If you (rightly, I think) wanted Dan to see the kids yesterday, I would have suggested that instead of sharing the time, you say..."Dan, since you haven't seen them in x days, why don't you take them today from 2-7, and drop them off after you have dinner?"
I think you need to stop using "texting" as a means of communication. My XW and I have maybe sent a total of 10 texts between each other in the last year - all just follow up confirmations after phone talks pertaining to kids schedule.
I went all weekend with the kids without hearing from XW and it was great.
I would suggest not rescuing him on the days he is supposed to have the kids. He needs to figure out what to do with them. I know they are your kids and you love them but why does he get to live the way he wants with you constantly giving??? You may not care now but there will come a day when you will.
Maybe they will spend the time with Dan's Mom or at daycare but they will be fine and so will you. He needs to get this and maybe in a way so do you.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I understand the text only communication. It's protective. It's bad enough to get spew in text form but to hear it searing through your ear directly into your brain just burns it in deeper.
I understand that you want the kids to have time with Dan but is it really good for them all the time? What I mean is, if he is so nasty with Nathan right in front of you, how is he in private with him? Does he always talk down to him? Make him feel like a failure? I see a very bad pattern of behavior with Dan and it has nothing to with you being there. It has everything to do with Dan's dislike of DAN!!
So, you invited Dan to come help with Nathan's bike riding? Then he has the nerve to say that his mom taught him to ride, his mom did this, his mom did that...why don't you? You gave him an opportunity to have meaningful time with the kids having a teaching moment with Nathan and he acts like this? That man is sick in the head BBJ. Plain sick. He takes out all of his frustration with himself on you because you are an easy target.
Stop being available to him. I agree, send the kids out to the car, don't see him face to face. Sit as far away from him as humanly possible at baseball games and do not interact with him. Period.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
BBJ, there are times when my kids are with their mom and I want to rush right over and rescue them. Those times when she's angry at them and won't talk to them. I hate that childish crap. But, I have to remind myself that she is responsible for her R with her kids. When they call to tell me about it I just empathize with how hard it must be and try to help them problem solve the situation. They need to learn that skill too. If I rush over and rescue them then ex learns nothing about her behaviour but what she does learn is that by having a temper tantrum Whatis will rush over and rescue her, like when we were married. Not anymore! It's hard but Dan has to figure out how to parent properly and be responsible for his R with his children. Help the kids problem solve if they complain about him e.g. how they can express their hurt when he talks to them angrily.
I hear what you all are saying and I agree he needs to figure these things out I just don't like it to be at the expense of my kids! For example please help me figure this one out,
So, I leave Dan to figure out his days w/the kids. Bear in mind he has made no plans/schedules etc with day care. I am the one who tells the daycare (highlights on roster actually) when the kids will be coming each week, I pay the daycare, and I get the copies of the Summer Calendar from the daycare. They do special activities like go up to Omaha Barnes and Nobles for Story Time, go to the YMCA for swimming, etc etc.
Due to my summer class I have them in Daycare M-W-F, then I have a neighbor girl watch them 12:45-4:15 on Tues/Thurs as class is 1-4. When I take them to daycare varies depending on the day. If there is a fun morning activity they may go in at 9:00, if there isn't anything special I may not take them until 10:45 to make sure they are there before lunch.
So imagine I do nothing. Dan picks them up Wednesday evening from daycare for his Weds-Sun with them. He brings them in on Thursday morning, and they are not on the daycare schedule. So the teachers aren't expecting them, they have not been signed up to eat breakfast so they didn't make them a breakfast. It turns out it is a swim day, and they don't have suits with them. So the kids miss breakfast and sit back with a teacher while the other kids go swimming. On top of that, when I go in the following week I have a bill for the extra hours they were there that I didn't pay for. Walk me through how to deal with that, guys...
I don't mean it like a smart-@ss, I am genuinely concerned about how things will turn out when he is left to his own devices. Sad he can run a billion dollar company but hasn't even bothered to think about/plan for child care arrangements...
It is called giving him a schedule. Quit taking care of him. He needs to understand what being a parent means. I am not trying to be mean in anyway, I want you to stop saving him period. This man can handle all this other stuff, now let him figure this out.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Seriously that is what I am asking Kat. The planner in me would get a copy of the daycare activity calendars and give them to him and tell him he needs to start scheduling his days at daycare and paying for them. Is that considered saving? Are you saying I should just let it go and the chips fall where they may? Thanks for clarifying.
