BobbiJo, I say follow your gut with this guy! I think throwing in the "love" word a few times is showing questionable judgment on his part. Your instincts are telling you something here, I'd say pay attention they are probably correct. Women often say the problem with online dating is that guys tend to get serious real fast. Using the "love" word a few times, even jokingly, is presuming an intimacy that is not there. He's being too familiar, IMHO.
That's kind of how I feel, too...although I know there are a lot of 'types' out there. Some people are huggers, you know, those people who seem to touch everyone they meet? A pat on the arm, a shoulder squeeze, etc. whenever they are talking to someone.
Some people are big on using your name in conversation. I think that is a good sales tactic or something, bc I do like it when I meet someone and then they use my first name when talking to me.
Anyway it may just be his 'thing' to say, "Oh I love" this or that. But still, it did throw a little flag for me. One guy last September seemed awesome till I asked about his job. He said honestly it sucked and he f'ing hated it, but was doing it until he found something else. Well, coming from Dan and his job-loathing, I just didn't want to go out with someone else with a negative attitude...
I know what you mean BobbiJo, there's a woman at my church who's single, intelligent, great sense of humour but she keeps bringing up in conversation, group or otherwise, how stressful her job is. I listened to that endlessly for 17 years with STBX and that's enough for one lifetime! I had a friend who dated this guy one time, let him know that she wasn't interested and he emailed her saying he'd always remember how brightly the moon shone that night when they were out together. OMG, give me a break!
BobbiJo, I just got home from church and there I talked to a lady friend who told me she's been fighting Bronchitis for 2 months! She suggested Black Cumin Seeds 2 twice a day. She says this is the first week she feels it might be gone. So I figure I could have one more month of hacking ahead of me...can't wait! Just thought I'd share that cure with you in case you need it.
Thanks, Wii! I still have about one coughing fit/attack per day, and then a few times a day where I cough up junk (sorry for the TMI!). Hopefully it will be gone for real soon!
Heading out to my summer college class...Linguistics. Yay! After this only one more class and I have my ESL endorsement...phew!
So much to update and yet so little. Nothing new under the sun, they say. I talked to Jeff for about an hour last night--thanks Jeff!--after Dan had a classic Dan episode with me. I handled it differently but I still need to draw stronger boundaries.
Long story but basically he has been gone a week, got back late Saturday. Called Sunday afternoon to see what we were up to (technically on the calendar it was 'his' day but we swapped weekends bc of the trip and he had them last weekend, or more accurately his mom had them most of the time)...
Anyway he called we were heading out to school playground/lot to work on riding bike without training wheels (Nathan). After 25 frustrating minutes of trying to 'teach' balance to a 7 1/2 year old (can't teach that!!) Dan showed up. I said great, take over...he began yelling, griping, snapping at Nathan bc he wasn't doing it right....
I interjected, pulled him aside asked him to stop being nasty to Nathan. Which led him to going off on a tirade about how
*HIS MOM taught him to ride a bike, HIS MOM taught him how to do everything because his dad was NEVER there, etc etc...
*I had the best setup of any woman he knows, none of the women in his family ever got to stay home with the kids and yet all I did was sit and watch Fox news and let the kids vegetate on the computer or watching cartoons
*Why did I put them in day care last week (Nathan mentioned on the phone to Dan a couple evening last week that he had been at day care), I had the summer off so what was I doing all day that they had to be stuck in day care, if I didn't want them I should just let his parents have them during the day...I started to explain that I had meetings but he just went on fuming and I realized I didn't have to explain myself
So I said, back to the point, I may not be an athletic coach but as a teacher I DO KNOW some things and you need to find positives when working with kids not all negatives. He replied that when he was working w/Nate on baseball he did point out positives. I asked what the problem was today, why he couldn't find anything nice to say, and he said, "I guess because YOU'RE here..."
So I took Sydney and we left Dan and Nathan to finish up. I was bawling because I still allow his words to hurt me, being a mom is my favorite job and he basically told me I suck at it...
Anyway we left and he came back later with Nathan. Said he would pick them up after the game tonight (monday) I asked why, he said cause it was his night, I said not this week on the calendar (we alternate Mondays).
He got up and said he was leaving. I walked outside w/him to be away from the kids, said I didn't know he wanted them this week, he said we talked about switching weeks before he left last week. I said yes, we agreed to swap weekends, and we did, I didn't know there was more. He said I was just "beyond him" and he couldn't talk to me, I gave in to my nasty side and said, "beyond you, I don't know, above you, yes"...
Anyway he left and I sent a simple text, "You can have the kids if you want them this week I just need to know what days so I can make plans"
He replied an hour later, "We already made plans but of course like always you don't listen"
I didn't touch that...
So an hour later he sends, "That's okay I am sure the kids don't miss me anyway so just forget it."
Ignored
Then he sends, "What are you trying to pull exactly I don't understand what you are trying to do"
I replied, "Ummm...as I stated I am trying to say you can have the kids if you want them I just need to know when"
He was on a roll, as I was sending it he sent two more "I have been working nonstop for 6 months I just wasnted to see my children and you are being so difficult it is just typical" and then "I am more stressed and depressed than I have ever been and I don't understand what you are doing you only wanted to talk to me about two meetings you had"
Seriously, did he need a translator??? What part of "Hey, you can have them when you want, I just need to know for planning purposes" was hard to understand or came off as manipulative or difficult?
I know I shouldn't take the bait but after the last text I said, "I am being typical in that I am flexible with the schedule to meet your needs as I always have been. In fact you brought up my two meetings when you were calling me a bad mother so you are lucky I speak to you at all"
And that shut him up. This whole pity parade thing is getting so, so old!
The upside is I have no desire to reconcile with THAT guy so it makes moving forward easier...Jeff suggested and I agree that I limit my exposure to him as much as possible, send them out to the car when he comes to pick them up, etc etc. During the year it is pretty easy bc he drops them at day care before school and picks them up at daycare after school so I don't have to see him at all, really.
I enjoyed talking with you yesterday... I'm glad you called.
Dan... He is stressed and depressed, but you didn't cause it. He isn't happy with the choices he's made, and you didn't cause them. However, you do have the privilege of being the one person he can blame everything on, so that he doesn't have to take the responsibility himself.
It does seem that seeing you winds him up, and when he gets wound up, he tries to wind you up. And the atmosphere that sets up can't be good for the kids. So, why not do whatever you can to prevent those interactions? At first it will make him mad, but he's going to be mad anyway, so it isn't a big deal, nor is it your problem. Yesterday... probably would have been better not to have him join you in teaching Nate to ride. I know that's hard for you. But, at least for now, there's no such thing as "family time" with Dan.
Well, what I trying to do, have always tried to do, is look at our situation in terms of what is best for the kids.
So, if "his" Weds-Sunday fell while he was in California, and I stuck to a 'tough luck pal' stance, that means the kids would not see him for two weeks, other than the standard Weds night overnight. I don't think it is good for them to go that long without seeing him. Does he deserve it? Yes. Do they? No.
The reason he came over to bike riding is because he had not seen them in 7 days and he wanted to see them. However, his typical behaviors when dealing with Nathan on anything physical were displayed once again.
I know if it were just me I was concerned with, I would say I won't budge an inch from the pre-set calendar unless/until he can communicate with me respect fully. However I don't want to deprive the kids of time with their dad.
The summer schedule has YET to be addressed by Dan. Meaning, when he has them Weds-Sunday, what is going to happen to the kids? While he is at work, will he put them in day care for 10-11 hours all of those days? That seems silly when I am home and available much of that time. I asked him via email what his summer plans were back in late April and he never responded...he also never made any kind of schedule, contract with the day care and left that up to me to decide.
So I figured on his days he can drop them off with me in the morning on the way to work after he has them overnight. Then at noon I take them to daycare so I can go to my class, and then he can pick them up in the evening, and drop them off with me again the following morning. Yes that is me giving up "me time" but I see no reason for my kids to spend their whole summer in day care if I am around. However he has never addressed the subject yet...
