Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

Another eventful weekend. H kept going back and forth on Friday night about coming over b/c he didn't feel good, so I just went about and did my own thing. Finally, he asks if I want to watch a movie with him, so he comes over and we watch Alice in Wonderland. He stayed over and slept in pretty late the next day b/c he hadn't slept much at the previous night bc of the whole choking on blood issue. Yuck! It was very encourging to me. He snoring has improved so much and I didn't hear any apneas, so I hope that means he is on the way to recovery. Unfortunately, he is still not sleeping well b/c he is in a lot of pain, but it does sound like the surgery worked and it's only a matter of time before he is able to sleep again. H stayed around on Saturday and played with S for a little and then when S was napping, he went on the computer the rest of the afternoon. He started looking at cars and was getting these wild ideas about getting a fast sports car. I told him he was being riducilous, but he got upset at me for giving him a hard time. I finally just let it go. I know the routine. He gets all crazy into something, but sometime later it dies down. I had learned a long time again not to get too excited about H's crazy ideas, b/c they usually passed eventually. My BIL and sis were going over for BIL's b-day, so as soon as H found out, he left. He said he didn't feel up to "celebrating". Understandable, but I was sad he left. Sunday, it was pretty interesting. The night before when I sent a good night text, he responds back that he'll call me tomorrow (that's a first!) and asked what I have planned (I was already asleep by then). He then texts me first thing in the morning to see what I had planned for the day. I let him know my plans. He said he wanted to come down and see S, but he was just feeling so miserable. He ended up not coming, but made plans instead to have dinner with us tonight. Lastly, he made plans to have another movie night with me next Friday (another first to actually plan something in advance with me!).

So, in one sense, I feel that a lot of progress is being made. I am almost being to feel like there is a possibility that we would want to be married still (the first step in a long series of hurdles). Maybe I'm just being a little overly optimistic, but it gives me some hope. On the other hand, I keep questioning what I really want. In some ways, I don't want it to work out b/c I really don't feel he'll ever truely change - that I will have to compromise my values and continuously fight just to make it work. If "he decides" he wants to be married but then I pull out b/c of the lack of agreement between us, I'm the bad guy again. I want a healthy R but I'm afraid Ill never get that from H. But then it keeps going back to S and what is best for him, and I don't want him to have his life and family broken. It's still just so hard, you know? I'm glad H seems to be making progress, but it's scary too.

Well, back to training the new girl today. Blah. She's super nice, but I just really don't have the extra time for this. =/