Coming to that place where our true self is exposed. Exposed for all to see. You will find this place. Don't rush...take your time...feel it and learn from it. Take this gift of time.
I'm getting there ... I know I am, but you're right, it takes time. I'm so impatient.
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Your children are ADORABLE. Not that I'm a proud Dad or anything like that but please check on my angels on the alt. Although my 16 yr old is taller than me..they still and always will be my babies.
Thanks, I am pretty biased! You have a beautiful family ... man, I can't imagine but someday my baby boys will tower over me too! It's going by so quickly!
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Yep one hell of a beast. It is a raging monster that we all must face. Oh...the need to control so that WE can feel better..the need to control so that WE do not get hurt. The need to control so that WE do not have to face our fears.
Control is so selfish. I never thought of it like that before all of this, but I guess I never really thought much about control period before now.
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The fight is won over time...slowly you give up this control as you begin to realize that control never really guarentee any us anything. When you let go...you allow yourself the opportunity to really examine the who, what, where, etc. It is at this point that all YOUR questions are answered.
Time. Again. Patience. I'm learning, but this is a hard one for me. Comes with giving up the illusion of control I guess.
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You can never change WHO U really are. Never. You can learn to realize characteristic about yourself and how to deal with them. Hence, you can't kill the child...only comfort it - that confort come from with in YOU. It comes from the strength that is IN YOU. Ya just need to find it.
I'm relearning about who I am and the woman that is resurfacing is someone I like ... a lot more than I did. I'm learning to love myself and to love others unconditionally.
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Personally, I say kick back on the beach (yes lucky you) have a drink relax and just feel who you are. The answers will come at a time when the war that rages begins to settle.
I love the beach here ... won't be warm until sometime in July (and the water never really gets 'warm') but the sound of the ocean is so relaxing. I love going this time of year before people overtake it and it's easy to find an uncrowded place to sit and wonder.
Hi shelbel! Thanks for checking on me Saw the pics on the alt ... that's awful. Glad everyone is ok though.
As far as doing ok - I think I am. Some days are better than others, as you know all too well!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
We had a good weekend, family day was fun - took the kids to a park and then out for supper. H seems more distant than usual, no, distant isn't the right word ... more 'friends' than usual, in that up until now we felt like lovers that were 'off', and now it seems like he's turning off that part and coming across like friends. I still catch him sneaking looks and he comments that I look good, but he's 'cooler' so to speak. We got along really well, lots of laughs etc. We stopped at a store on the way home after supper and I ran in. When I got back in the van he was chuckling and I asked what was so funny. He pointed at a guy getting into a van across the parking lot and said that buddy had 'totally checked me out', and I said 'yeah right'. H said 'oh yeah, elevator eyes and everything' to which I replied 'I doubt it, but if he did, why is that so funny?' and he says 'not funny that he checked you out, funny because he was so obvious about it!' Apparently not so obvious that I noticed!
Not attaching anything to it, but turned on the laptop to listen to music and he's recently downloaded a bunch of new music ... a lot more positive stuff. Even lots of positive relationship stuff ... weird for him, even in good times! Also lots of personal introspective stuff. Lyrics that speak to being broken, conflicted, asking for patience, talking about stuff like that. H really identifies with music and has often turned to music when he has trouble putting words to what's in his head. I find it interesting but not in a hopeful sort of way. Just think it's interesting that he's expanding the info that goes into his brain. At least it's not all negative now.
We had a nice time last night. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think he was feeling pressure from me. I need to back off on the subtle stuff too. I hate that when anything does happen, he follows up with 'I didn't intend to do that, sorry' ... he seems very conflicted. I've read several threads on here where the couple kept having an intimate relationship and it helped keep the connection, and I'm also getting lots of advice about not going there. Dunno, I really need to think about it I guess.
H asked if I would come over this evening as he wants to take the van and get the brakes done (with his brother in his yard) so I said sure. So, supper with the fam, and then an evening with the kids.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I just tried to friend you on FB under an alias - accidentally hit the button before I wrote something. The name is Beth Cinder. Anyone else who wants to friend me - please feel free!
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
I hate that when anything does happen, he follows up with 'I didn't intend to do that, sorry' ... he seems very conflicted. I've read several threads on here where the couple kept having an intimate relationship and it helped keep the connection, and I'm also getting lots of advice about not going there. Dunno, I really need to think about it I guess. PEI
Hey PEI, As of last night I have ventured into being intimate with my W and I always thought that I would not go there until we were more emotionally attached. I am quickly learning that none of this goes the way that you expect it to go.
How do you feel about it afterwards?? Do you feel that your H is experiencing guilt over being intimate with you? I got the same thing from my W this morning "I didn't intend for that to happen."
Maybe they think that we are going to attach some strings to being intimate with them. I have not sought out advice on this yet but I think you go with what works IMO. If it maintains a connection then I would say go with it as long as it is not hurting you.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I just tried to friend you on FB under an alias - accidentally hit the button before I wrote something. The name is Beth Cinder. Anyone else who wants to friend me - please feel free!
A
Cool, can't FB at work, so I'll get it this evening ... BTW, I just posted on your own thread ... take it how it's meant ... in a caring way! Chat soon!
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
When I had talked with DB coach...same one you had...she encouraged intimacy as long as you were ok with it...I think if it is his LL then it would be ok. Some will say no way, especially in MLC. However, all sitchs are different...
I would caution you however, if you think he has had a PA to use protection...I learned the hard way on that one...
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I hate that when anything does happen, he follows up with 'I didn't intend to do that, sorry' ... he seems very conflicted. I've read several threads on here where the couple kept having an intimate relationship and it helped keep the connection, and I'm also getting lots of advice about not going there. Dunno, I really need to think about it I guess. PEI
Hey PEI, As of last night I have ventured into being intimate with my W and I always thought that I would not go there until we were more emotionally attached. I am quickly learning that none of this goes the way that you expect it to go.
How do you feel about it afterwards?? Do you feel that your H is experiencing guilt over being intimate with you? I got the same thing from my W this morning "I didn't intend for that to happen."
Maybe they think that we are going to attach some strings to being intimate with them. I have not sought out advice on this yet but I think you go with what works IMO. If it maintains a connection then I would say go with it as long as it is not hurting you.
Hi missherlove,
We've been intimate sporadically the whole time... I had a little freak out after I found out about the EA ... but we've been together a few times since that ended too. We've talked about it, alone and with the MC, and he feels like based on what he's said about he feels etc. that he shouldn't be doing 'that' with me. He was never a 'casual sex' kind of person, didn't do much experimenting before me and stuff.
I've told him that I enjoy his body. Sex is one of the things that we've done very right for the last 5-10 years. We had a very dry spell early on due to my poor self esteem and body image, which REALLY hurt his self esteem but we've been pretty good since. My DB coach said to not pressure him but letting him know that I enjoy his body and am open to letting things happen would be ok. The MC counsellor basically told him that if it's something we do right, then not to get to hung up on what we 'should' do or what we attach to it, if we want to then we are two consenting adults who are married. She also said to leave the control in his hands so that if it happened he would be the one initiating and wouldn't feel like I pressured him into it.
All along we've been very flirty and have had several suggestive moments (tickling, wrestling etc with touching etc) which after a few days or a week usually led to an 'encounter'. The last time was our long weekend (May 24) and after that he seemed to have cooled down, although I catch him peeking and he's made compliments about my body (I've lost almost 20lbs so far).
I feel fine afterwards ... at least until he starts with the 'I didn't mean for that to happen' stuff. I told him 'hey, we enjoy each other, no need to feel bad' which I just - at this very minute - realized was not very validating! Not sure how to handle that now. Maybe I really need to back off and treat it more like I would a 'brand new relationship' ... lots of laughing and flirting but no follow-through until he's really ready. I don't know.
Every day is a new adventure *sigh* I used to like adventure!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
When I had talked with DB coach...same one you had...she encouraged intimacy as long as you were ok with it...I think if it is his LL then it would be ok. Some will say no way, especially in MLC. However, all sitchs are different...
I would caution you however, if you think he has had a PA to use protection...I learned the hard way on that one...
Yeah, that's what she said to me too. And it is his LL ... I've read some of the successful women in MLC from the archives and there's no pattern ... some do, some don't.
I heard someone say (or read somewhere - I'm really losing track!) 'women need to feel connected to have sex, men need to have sex to feel connected'. Seems to be pretty true if you ask me.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Saw the pics on the alt ... that's awful. Glad everyone is ok though.