i called this morning to talk to my son. He got his first bicycle this weekend and i wasn't there. That breaks my heart.
She was very cold on the phone ,almost annoyed that i called. I kept an upbeat tone to my voice and tried to remain pleasant. I kept the conversation short and said "goodbye."
With each day and week that this drags on i get more angry and feel more hurt. I'm doing all i know to do to keep a positive mental attitude. It will be 3 weeks until i can see my son again and that hurts like it has never hurt before.
I'm having so many thoughts about wearing my ring. Everytime i put it on it is another reminder of where my marriage is and how much this hurts. But not wearing it is also a reminder of where this marriage is. It hurts just as much to put it on as it does to take it off. But i am married. I want to stay married. So i guess the ring must stay on. If she sees i am not wearing it then that will be yet one more signal that i am not committed like i claim to be.
This is so hard. With this long distance separation this is not typical DB territory. Do i call daily to speak to my son and then at least say hi to her? Or do i only call and speak to my son and not speak to her at all? We will only see each other every other weekend. It's not like i will see her or talk to her or interact everyday living in the same town. I feel like i need to atleast create an opportunity for her to hear a different tone to my voice and to experience a different interaction with me from what would be considered by her to be the norm. How do i give her space and do the DB techniques with her but not lose contact with my son? Or am i just forcing contact with her to make me feel better? Is calling him and only worrying about talking to him really the way that i need to let go? This is all so confusing to me knowing separation paperwork is being drafted. I fear that talking to her every day will be read as more needy behavior. I guess i should just limit my contact to my son. But, she and i are not going to get any better if we don't spend time with one another. This new living arrangement will only afford me about 7 days out of 30 to spend time with them. I have to make those days pleasant and enjoyable so that she can see the changes. I have told her that. She says that separation does not have to lead to divorce but it depends on what changes i am willing to make. I tried to explain that she can't see changes if we are not spending time together. So, this is not your normal DB scenario from that perspective. Any feedback would be most appreciated!
