Hope it's ok if I hop onboard

[fudwoman]

Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for taking time from your own lives and crises to add your thoughtful comments to me. I know it seems I disappeared but really I've been extremely busy with a report whose due date unfortunately coincided with the bomb and of course I could not concentrate at all in beginning so I let it sit. I'm now feeling better yes but more importantly really down to the wire for getting this thing done - which I did last night - yay me! Now I'm hoping to re-focus my energies on self-improvement and self-reflection.

There's so much that people have said that I can't possibly address all of it but basically - I don't think my H is truly having an MLC. He's not acting like a person I don't know - he's just fed up with me in a way that is similar to what he has expressed in the past although this time it may in fact be completely different. In either case he's running away now as he's done several times before. Recently, he told me that he believes what Woody Allen said "Hope is the death of marriage" - basically he hoped for me to change for so long that he finally gave up. He may never come back - I don't know. I do know that he has a valid point about my abusive behavior and I'm doing the things I can to make changes - though it's tough and I often slip. I do think I can learn a lot from DB but I don't fall into any neat and tidy category so I just need to basically take what works for me and leave the rest. I'm not sure what will ultimately happen obviously. I do know my H though and he'll never step up to the plate - that's what the whole 'hoping' thing is about. He believes he did all he could by hoping - hoping is not an action - it's a passive desire. That's why I know that ultimately I will have to put the choice out there and will need to deal with the consequences. I'm not going to do that today or tomorrow but eventually I know that I will have to do that. I'm sure many of you disagree and I can accept that but we all know our own situations best.

What I am committed to doing is:
1) Meditating every day
2) GAL - by getting into improv hopefully and cultivating friendships with women, going to a monthly bookclub etc.
3) Being a better mom - less yelling
4) Attending Dr. Stosny's bootcamp in Maryland in July - (already registered and bought my airline ticket)

What I'm sad about today - it's my half birthday - I know that sounds silly but I celebrate them. I only wanted my h to say to me this morning 'happy half birthday' but I didn't get it so I'm sulky today. I will likely tell him later that I'd hoped he would have acknowledged my half birthday today just by telling me to have a good one. I know many of you disagree with that - but it's the truth so I'm going to say it and leave it at that.

That's my update. Thanks for listening.

A