Panic attacks and the price?

[AntoniaB]

I am coming to the realization that it is the limbo of sitting back and doing nothing but wait that is causing me to have panic attacks. I am having an awful time getting through the night; I am listening to guided imagery cds constantly to calm me down. I feel like the reason that I am panicky is that I just keep lying there thinking "what if" about virtually everything, and there is a part of me that says I have to conquer that type of thinking because that was the thing that really fed my part in our problems. No I'm not taking on all the issues myself but I take 50% responsibility. I want to conquer it because if I do, maybe I can get him back. But the other part of me thinks that if it were just final and I petitioned for divorce, I could stop the what ifs. It would be out there on the table and there would be finality. Problem is that I don't think it's fair that he pushed me into a corner to declare divorce because I still believe there is hope.

But the "hope" I hold on to I feel is what causes the what if scenarios, and that is causing panic attacks which are interfering with my ability to sleep much at all and really horrible to go through.

Do I declare divorce, even if it's not what I want, to stop the panic? Do I go get medicated to stop the panic? The last time I was on an anti-d and valium for the first week or so. Then I weaned myself off it. I am not really wanting to be on pres. drugs because I'm afriad they will become yet another crutch.