If You Forget Me #71

[Kalni]

So, my trust but verify moto, got me checking H's mail last night. Not the one he gave me access to, his business one he doenst know I have passwords for. And there was communication with a single woman, one from a sponsor again. Talking about work. And then as I was reading more of the indifferent emails, I started reading some things that did make me feel...nervous. I dont know how to explain this, although the emails were inocent,the content was becoming personal like

her: hope you did get upset about that comment I made about you
him:no, you have never made me upset with anything you have said,
her:ok because you look kind of too serious, what sign are you, Pisces?
him:No I am not Pisces, I am the sign everbody frowns when I tell them and I am not serious, it's my defense I guess
her: oh OK then
him:when are you coming down to the South so can talk instead of email communicating?
her:what to do? I will if the team passes but not now
him:there are a lot of things you could do...
her:no, I wont now, we are not like XXXXcompany (the one OW was working for), our budget is limited, we cant afford media events (she puts a :))) here).

4 years ago, I wouldnt mind at all. Now I am sensing he is flirting again and dont trust him he will stop there if he gets a chance. He is a good looking man and many women think he is a catch, at 39, with good jobs, known journalist, etc etc

So the question is, do I mention this communicationg telling him he is out of line or he will get out of line or shut up and keep a close eye? It is clear he doesnt set boundaries...

I was thinking of actually sending him their emails with a comment :"this is unacceptable. Good bye!" To shock him but I wonder of that means he will be just more careful.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey I'm sorry, I can see how this would make you nervous and be a little stressful.

You said yourself, they seemed innocent and you read through many indifferent emails before this one. When he asks if she/her company are in Athens soon, is that because he would genuinely need to speak to her/them for business reasons, or would that be just to meet up/chat??

I agree with you, he is a good looking man and also, having met him, I would say he has 'presence'. But if you are going to spend your life with him, somehow you would have to get past that fear that because he is good looking and succesful in life, that someone will steal him from you. After all, you have presence too! (sp!)

I rang bf Friday on his work mobile, he didnt realise it had answered in his pocket. I could hear him in a meeting with 2 woman, chatting, making them giggle, being charming. Flirting? I could have interpreted it that way, but truth is, we all like to chat, impress, joke, make connections.. I do it too all the time, with my boss (good looking, succesfull, M with 4 kids). Its human nature. It doesnt mean I want to sleep with him. I dont know, what does your gut tell you? Is this fear from past actions, or real threat?

In answer to your question, I would not send an email to this account saying this is not acceptable. I think thats a little too much, as he will know you are spying on him. Also, knowledge is power and he doesnt know you have this password, so maybe just keep it to yourself for now? I would keep checking it, quietly, but also.. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF MORE? He chose you Maybe you could have a general conversation with him though about work colleagues and contact with woman and how nervous it makes you feel now, though it never used to?

Hugs xxx

[Kalni]

Actually Al, I read many indifferent ones and then series of emails, having this discussion I described going back and forth between then till 9 o clock at night (not working hours). And the emails had work and all the PSs were personal. Tyey are innocent to the point they show there is no affair between them but I read it as my husband flirting and acting "open" to possibilities. If he would keep it to what I read, I would be fine. I dont trust him he would though.... And those were the only emails he had erased...

[addie]

Hi Kalni,

I would not tell him that you have his work password but I think you should keep checking. Afterall, you two have been Piecing for a long time now and are trying to reestablish trust. Piecing is very different than the other stages. You need to know for your own sanity (especially after all this time) otherwise you will never heal. You asked H for his password to his personal email so he knows you might be checking there. Did you ever request his work password?
After the PA and before we started Piecing, I kept checking up on H although he didn't know I had passwords. When I finally confronted him on several things, he changed all his passwords and even got a new email account(s). I still don't have his passwords and there's no way we can move forward when I don't trust him. Just like you, I know he's not having an A but I wonder who he's contacting.

[AliSuddenly]

So he had kept other emails, but these ones he had erased? If he was worried you would see them, he would empty trash then, perhaps he erased them because they were nothing to him, inconsequential and he didnt need them, for work reasons. Or, he erased them, as you fear, because it may have looked bad.

I'm sorry to hear that then, you feel that he really was flirting and could be open to possibilities. I agree with Addie that you should keep quiet for now, but keep checking it. But please also still keep making progress and enjoying having your husband back with you? Afterall, it could be something, but it could be nothing?

xxx

[flowmom]

(((hugs))) Kalni. It's a terrible thing to have trust broken. Flirting outside M can be relatively innocent, but it only works when there is a solid and earned foundation of trust. I feel sad to think that you are having to confront this kind of thing without it. I agree that it would be strategic to not confront. IMO, this isn't about setting a boundary because if he wants to do something inappropriate...he will. In your sitch I would want to know that my H was choosing to be faithful of his own accord. OTOH, people can compartmentalize flirtation and emails/messages can sound like more than they are.

[Kalni]

flow,
when we are talking about surviving infidelity, by default we start with a broken trust. My caro amico John, is always surprised when on the phone I tell him I dont trust my H. Maybe I am not clear. It's not that I dont trust him on a daily basis, where he is, if he lies, etc. I trust that he is honest now. I am just not anymore in the bliss I was before that he "wouldnt do that". I KNOW now he is capable of being dishonest, look into my eyes and lie to me. That is what I have to learn to live with and at the same time love him again.

My worry on "a daily basis"-often is that if the OW pursues, tries to reconnect with him, pushes his buttons about all the things she gave up for him etc etc , I dont know how he will react. I would like to believe that he would tell me, but I know he will not.

Anyway, Passionate Marriage helped me very much to self soothe and I really listened to Ali when she said that I need to have some more self confidence. This is the worst thing that his affair caused to me. I feel... I am lacking in many areas. I feel my life is boring, my body has aged, my hair is short etc etc... That all is true but that doenst mean I dont have good parts as well. So, irrelevant to him, I need a boost.My best boost is to loose a couple of kilos. So I will work on that...
K

[awest1217]

Sorry this is happening, but I know you will do the right thing. I hope all works out well.

[mishka422]

(((((((Kalni)))))))))))

Sweetie, I have no idea what I can say that would be helpful, but I am reading along and hoping for you and your H to work through all of this.

Blessings!

[fb2]

Trust is hard enough to restore without him flirting. I'd say keep checking the e-mail without telling him. And stay cool and smart for now. At some opportune time talk about this sort of thing with him indirectly and make it clear that this sort of behavior, innocent or not, would be unacceptable to you. He has to be 100% committed or else that lost trust cannot be restored.