Truth be told I was hoping that you did not bake them and go knocking on his door.
but everyone gave me crap for not doing it. i'm confused.
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I kinda think that squash is an expensive sport. We don't want to loose the one thing that seems to be filling the void.
oh i know what you mean. i fear the novelty will wear off and then what is there to fill the void. and yes, it's a pretty expensive sport.
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Work is important. I am glad they still think you are worth it.
when i'm focused at work, i'm really good at what i do. when the d-bomb was dropped, i started my new job. i almost quit after three days because i was an emotional wreck. my manager understood if i wanted to quit. but i ended up staying. i have established a good reputation in the city and i can't tarnish it by leaving in the middle of contracts.
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So.. your "hands" hurt?
Do you have the look of pain yet?
not yet. i didn't care about the purple toe. i went and played anyway. i played on and off for 3 hrs. my legs muscles are a bit sore though. despite that, i always leave squash feeling really good. i don't get the same rush when i do yoga.
oh my. is this like your batting cage thing?
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I want you seeking out people that are not warm and friendly. It is easy when you are in a "social" setting. I want you interacting with "everyday" people. I want you to do something.. just because you can. I want to show you the difference in your "actions" and your "emotion's".
ok. i will try that. don't worry, i'll only remember the first half of that paragraph - seek out people and make a positive impact to their lives. then after i've done it, i'll come back and read the second half of that paragraph to see if i could see the difference.
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Time is not a concern here. Your anger is.
i am concerned about the anger. i have an ic session tomorrow. i will need to bring this up again. the regular squash nights help. i understand why you told me not to talk about all that. talking about it makes me re-live the sitch and keeps the wound fresh.
if i don't control the anger soon, then d-day will come and i will not have made any progress.
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Keep it up.. even if it is fake.. I like where we are going.
so far so good.
even though i come home late from squash, i still find the time to make dinner. i don't pull out a tv dinner to microwave. i made montreal spiced chicken breast (baked), stir fried broccoli & red peppers, and steamed rice.
always a protein, veggies, and a starch. i want to gain some weight back. with all the squash that i'm playing, i am doing what i can to eat right.
"but everyone gave me crap for not doing it. i'm confused."
That is not true. We gave you crap for balking and making excuses on why you should not bake them. I pointed out.. quite clearly.. that you were freaking out before you even baked them. Your half as$ effort of going to the store.. buying the stuff.. and mixing it up.. was doomed the second you did it to prove us wrong.
How did it feel knocking on the door? Were you scared? What were you going to say if he opened the door?
"oh i know what you mean. i fear the novelty will wear off and then what is there to fill the void. and yes, it's a pretty expensive sport."
Do "Work" and we won't have to worry about that. Now.. if you buy a house.. find a new boyfriend.. then we will have to worry.
Protect.. what you have.
Prepare.. for what is coming.
"when i'm focused at work, i'm really good at what i do."
I know. So does Coach and Laura. Your mind just needs a more healthy direction.
"oh my. is this like your batting cage thing?"
You tell me.
"don't worry, i'll only remember the first half of that paragraph - seek out people and make a positive impact to their lives."
The first sentence is all you have to remember. (12 words)
Seems like you got it and retained it to memory. Talk about it. (post on what you did)
How was IC?
What did you do yesterday?
What are you going to do today?
Can you...
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
How did it feel knocking on the door? Were you scared? What were you going to say if he opened the door?
i was nervous. and was probably happy that he didn't answer the door. i had a good excuse to go up in person.
but i honestly don't think i can do it anymore. he might call security and say that i'm harassing him.
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Do "Work" and we won't have to worry about that. Now.. if you buy a house.. find a new boyfriend.. then we will have to worry.
no mention of having a baby.
on a serious note, i want to buy the house though. regardless of everything, the house is on the top of the list.
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Protect.. what you have.
Prepare.. for what is coming.
you make it sound like it's going to get worse. how wonderful.
when he didn't answer the door, i didn't freak out. i'm hoping that anything else that comes this way, i will handle it the same way.
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"oh my. is this like your batting cage thing?"
You tell me.
yes, it is. i went back to your post to me where you talked about going to the batting cage and the reason why you went there. and i'm doing the same with squash. it doesn't matter that my feet hurt or my toe nail is purple. i'll go as long as my body will take it. the good thing is, i leave feeling good so i always have a smile on my face.
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Seems like you got it and retained it to memory. Talk about it. (post on what you did)
i did something small today. bought a stranger coffee. she didn't have the proper change.
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How was IC?
not sure. i raised my voice. again. i think when i raise my voice, i can be quite threatening. i have never raised my voice until now. i surprised myself.
anyway, my ic would like me to go to my family doctor. she says my doctor needs to know what's going on with me. she also believes that i may need more intensive therapy than what she is providing me.
my anger scares me. this is a side of me that i have never seen. nobody has ever been able to make me so angry.
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What did you do yesterday?
What are you going to do today?
i skipped squash yesterday. went to visit a friend. she called me and wondered if i was okay. she was worried that i was sitting around at home or that something had happened to me.
today, i need to do some grocery shopping. maybe catch up on some tv time. might even drop by the squash club for a pick up game. if not, then i will likely do my nails or pamper myself with a facial.
i'm hoping that anything else that comes this way, i will handle it the same way.
One of my mantras that I developed when I was seperated is: I can handle it. How you talk to yourself matters.
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i did something small today. bought a stranger coffee. she didn't have the proper change.
That's goodness.
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i raised my voice. again. i think when i raise my voice, i can be quite threatening. i have never raised my voice until now.
Don't stuff emotions. Didn't work for me either.
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my anger scares me. this is a side of me that i have never seen. nobody has ever been able to make me so angry.
Anger is a emotion it's OK to feel like that. How you react is the key. Look up Steven Stosny and go to his site: compassionpower.com.
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i skipped squash yesterday. went to visit a friend. she called me and wondered if i was okay. she was worried that i was sitting around at home or that something had happened to me.
today, i need to do some grocery shopping. maybe catch up on some tv time. might even drop by the squash club for a pick up game. if not, then i will likely do my nails or pamper myself with a facial
Keep taking care of yourself.
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
coach, i'm trying to keep the stockdale paradox in mind when dealing with my sitch. but i don't know if i'm practicing it the way it is intended.
what does it really mean to have the discipline to confront the brutal facts of my current reality?
can you give me an example to let me know what direction i should be headed in?
the way i see it now is that ok, we aren't together. giving each other space. while we are giving each other space, i am going to do things that make me feel good and happy - like squash and baking. is there a part that i am missing? somehow i feel like i'm really naive about something.
I viewed it that once I got served D papers then in a year I would be divorced (brutal reality) or we would be reconciled (hope that I would prevail in the end) So I prepared for either outcome with the intention of being a better man regardless. Make sense?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
when forrest said if i get stuck in a sitch with h where i cannot avoid him, stand up straight and smile. my first thought was "that'll never happen".
well, it did. i think i handled it okay. we ran into each other at squash. i had found his water bottle the other night. i had a feeling it was his because it's pretty unique. i turned it into the front desk at the club. so at squash, i asked if he lost his water bottle. he said yes. then i told him that i found it and i left it with the front desk. we ended up playing a game that night. you would never have guessed that we were not getting along. it was business as usual. i'm not reading much into it as i believe he's only putting up a front.
i'm keeping up my end of the bargain though. making new friends at squash.
as i type this, i have an avocado mask on. <-- taking care of myself. i'm also eating better now. i feel like i'm gaining weight. i enjoy cooking and i don't eat out. a few friends have also asked if i wanted to make dinner plans with them. this could mean missing a day or two of squash.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, and acceptance of facts.
tonight, is squash night again. different group of individuals. i took care of home duties last night - laundry, vacuum, etc. i will need to prep a cake for next week's baking class.
i've also been invited to attend an afternoon charity event next sunday. (i get to dress up!) i'm excited that dior will be there to give makeovers. my skin is no longer gray and tired looking. i think i'm taking better care of myself now. i don't really have that "what's the point? he doesn't care about me anyway." attitude. i am still trying to be the best person i can be. for me. detachment? maybe. lauraoh helped me in that department. thanks.
the thing that bothers me is that a few posts back, coach and fg said that i was not the 'emotional' lead in the m. that i was more like the h in the r.
i'm wondering if this is something i need to work on. i'm starting to see this as a bad thing.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
