Newbie: going to try Ghandi method

[AntoniaB]

Ok meeting occurred. His central purpose in coming here was to explain that one, he hadn't seen her since he left Friday and he was not carrying on behind my back. He had spoken to her on the phone. I said that was carrying on anyway. He said that he wanted to explain to me/assure me that he had no interest in doing anything to hurt me financially and that he wondered if we could talk about some ways to split finances and bills to be fair. I said he was getting ahead of himself because he had not filed anything, and did he really come to tell me he was filing anything. He said no, that he didn't even know how that worked, that for now he just wanted to ask if I'd consent to certain things which he hadn' thought out that well anyway. I said come back with a separation agreement outlining finances. He seemed to not want to go there yet.

I asked if he would consent to a few sessions of MC. He said he wouldn't rule it out but he wouldn't yet consent, that he wasn't there yet and didn't know if he would be. He said he feared that my saying I thought I could forgive him for the cheating so far (I said I'd forgive if he was sorry and wanted to be forgiven AND wanted to reconcile and dump her) was not really legit, that it was so out of character for me to say that that he wondered if I'd come back some day and turn that around. I don't think he has the right to dictate what I do "some day." I said this. I said for now that he'd have to take that chance.

He says that he regrets hurting me so deeply but he doesn't regret the emotional affair so far. He really thinks that it is an opportunity for him to deny everything he ever was and become a different person.

Except that he admits that it might not work if the OW rejects him, because she left her BF, but what if SHE decides she screwed up? I totally get the impression that he is holding both of us in a balance trying to ensure he has "someone" in his life: she gets first dibs now as she is someone who makes him feel happier about himself than I do because I push his buttons. If she rejects him, then he has me to go back to. Except that he says over and over that he knows he has no right to ask for that. And why don't I hate him, he says.

I just can't shut love off, I guess, and I feel like if he chose to try there would be a chance for us.

I know this is all manipulation and I think that the only choice I have to stop any manipulation is to call for the divorce myself. I'm not prepared to do that yet. I told him I'd like him to either decide on counseling and if so, to cut her off for now, OR to decide he wants this affair and petition for divorce, at which point I would NOT have any more contact with him. At first he said he felt I was trying to force him to make a decision now. I said I had every right to after what he did, but I couldn't force it if he wouldn't let me. His biggest problem EVER is that he has never been able to make decisions, so I find it ironic that he has put himself now into a position where it seems like he goes with her if SHE decides, and he loses me if I decide. He just waits it out.

Oh on the house/yard stuff, he was really bothered when I said no to this. Eventually he started to argue that he had a right to help, and to come to work there, because it was still technically his property too and he wanted it to stay nice (we have a huge yard, lots of tough yard work). I said so what, I'll hire a service, and he still kept saying that I could not keep him from coming to his own house. I said "but it's painful to me to see you" and he said he would promise to come on a schedule I gave. I still said that I think this isn't fair and it helps assuage his guilt. To be honest I think he is seeing what he'll lose a bit more now, in that before he was all about not caring that I took the house and today he walked around and picked up the cats and suggested that maybe I could take an apt. and he could take the house because he could maintain the yard and I would have such trouble, and that all this talk was him trying to "save me" from trying to take on something I wasn't capable of dealing with nor should want to deal with because of trying to prove to him I was capable. But you know, it's not about that. I said it's about the fact that if I have to lose my husband and all that that represents, I wanted to keep the house because I love the house. I don't actually think he'd fight me for it, but this was a turnaround.

In general, he still seems very conflicted and I guess wants more time but knows he has no business asking. He also seemed to be missing the house and cats a lot and he was only away 3 days. I told him he can't have his cake (the house and all our "stuff" as a couple) and eat it too (her/the affair).