embracing change

[DiamondGirl]

(((FM)))

As the mom of a 13 year old son with Autism I know exactly where you are coming from and at. My son is now taller and stronger than I am and when he gets angry I find myself wondering how much longer I will be able to "deal" with his outbursts. Some tactics I've learned I've seen progress with over the years. My current issues I am having with him is due to his anger and violent outbursts (minimal right now TG) due to H leaving and the raging hormones and body changes of puberty. (my H says I'm imagining the reaction to his leaving and that S13 will be fine with it...)

I barely have any funding for my son as well as the old school of thought was if he was older than 6, it was useless. Therefore a lot of the newly established programs are geared to under 6 year olds. I have had to do a lot of the research and implementation by myself through trial and error.

If you want to contact me by email through the alt, perhaps we can connect and I can share what I've learned, what works for me, etc. You'd need to be specific to me about what exactly they've said about his issues, etc so I can target the info to them.

Have you tried social stories with him? The ABC method of behaviour troubleshooting? What do you feel his developmental age is? Is he verbal or non? Where on the spectrum do YOU feel he falls? I say "you" because what the docs see is often only a brief snapshot and kids like ours are so multi-faceted, it's difficult to get a handle on it.

I'm here for you even if all you need is someone to listen who has been there and still is...

[flowmom]

I see this as more progress- in my CBT work my IC calls this "your witness" or "noticing", which is the first step towards changing your thoughts and hence, your emotions and reactions. Sounds like you are much more aware of this stuff than you were a few months ago and are able to make choices about whether or not to act on or ignore them.

Thanks for this Alice. I like the way you put this.

I *really* hope you can get him some OT/other services to help teach him self-soothing and other strategies as early as possible.

Me too. I think I just have to make a commitment to earning the $110/week that it would cost.

What ever happened with the gal who you were hopeful could help you with a parenting plan and had PDD/autism experience?

I want to read the coparenting book before initiating working on the coparenting plan with H. But yes, I still want to work with her, assuming H agrees.

[flowmom]

Thanks for your offer of help DG...it means a lot to me.

My current issues I am having with him is due to his anger and violent outbursts (minimal right now TG) due to H leaving and the raging hormones and body changes of puberty. (my H says I'm imagining the reaction to his leaving and that S13 will be fine with it...)

What do you feel his developmental age is? Is he verbal or non? Where on the spectrum do YOU feel he falls? I say "you" because what the docs see is often only a brief snapshot and kids like ours are so multi-faceted, it's difficult to get a handle on it.

S6's self-regulation is very poor, yet his verbal and intellectual abilities are very high (95-99th percentile for his age). So it's hard to say. He is extremely verbal and would most closely fit the Aspergers profile. But both the psych and the SLP says he has the skills...I just need to figure out why he cannot use them in certain situations (probably due to sensory and visual/auditory processing issues). They said that children who are truly on the spectrum would not be able to show those skills even under "ideal" circumstances. I don't know much about autism so I don't feel that I can challenge their assessment. But it sucks that S6 is not eligible for services because in some ways his functioning is pretty low and our ultimately our family pays the price.

[flowmom]

If it's out of character for him please ask your sister to reach out to him to find out if there's something bothering him and if he needs to talk about it. She may have to offer (not push) this a couple of times. At times my daily frustrations resulted in my getting triggered by something little and turned into a huge argument and on top of that my STBXW got upset at me because I got upset. When I just wanted her to reach out to me and ask me a simple 'what's wrong honey? I'm sorry we both acted immaturely but I want to know what's bothering you so I can help you' - that never happened and the resentment built up over time on both sides and finally we stopped valuing eachother...

I think that Smart Sister does reach out to him, but he is often shutting her out. And plus you do not say that you hate your spouse and want to divorce her...then act like it's no big deal the next day. Even if said in anger there has to be some damage control there.

[flowmom]

Hello thread...I missed you. So friends, it has been a very busy week with many hours put in working in the field. Sometimes fun, sometimes wet and boring. But nice to be earning money.

Smart Sister's marriage issues continue to be a trigger for me. It's kind of horrifying. I hope they work it out. I got to talk to BIL's best friend about it so I hope that opens the door to them having a marriage conversation that isn't totally superficial at some point.

I'm super aware of my insecurities in almost every area of my life lately. I am realizing what a huge, annoying liability is it to not be able to tackle life with confidence. Trying to understand what being confident AND authentic would look like for me.

Appearance is a big preoccupation lately too. After years of being a touch overweight and frankly often frumpy, I'm slimmer and putting more effort into looking good. What I'm finding, though, is that it becomes a "thing"...and I'm not sure if I like it. It's not like I am dressing inappropriately or anything, but it's weird to deal with frequent comments about my appearance, and even changes in how people who I've known for years interact with me.

A married exlover from 20 years ago (who I've barely seen since then) recently sent me this message:

<<I've been meaning to thank you for coming out to hear my guitar concerto. It was really great to see you. I was going to write to you the very next day, but I would have gushed too much about how good you looked (and smelled, by the way: great perfume!). I'm glad to have had a chance to reconnect, however brief. Suddenly it felt like very little time had passed, though it is half a lifetime. It would be nice to sit down over a meal some day and just yak about life. There was that [jazz club] offer that I must honour! Take care.>>

Sigh. In some ways it feels simpler to hide under the cloak of middle-aged mommy invisibility. OTOH, even though I'm average looking, the "old me" used to like to express myself in how I look...and I find that that is still part of me.

Confused about men too. I am still very attracted to H even though I continue to have no hope about our M. I'm finding myself wanting to have flirtation in my life...yet I'm hating the idea of dating or being involved with any kind of courtship rituals .

I guess a lot of this is the cliche of the LBS journey...and I hate to be a cliche .

Tomorrow will be interesting. Planning to spend the day with children and MIL and FIL. I want to walk a line of being authentic with them, but not too transparent/vulnerable. I feel bad for them because I know how helpless they probably feel watching this happen to our family.

Right now I feel totally unable to take in any information about H being in a R. I haven't looked at his FB in ages and I studiously avoid gathering any intel.

I'm starting to have disappointment in myself that I have tolerated being married to someone who doesn't love, respect or even like me for so long. Yes it was tough with the kids being involved...but I wonder if a greater commitment to my own wellbeing might have pushed me to take action at a point when it might have made a difference in my M...or at least I could have shown some commitment to MYSELF when H's commitment to me was waning.

I'll be honest. It's hard for me to come here and read about beautiful, caring people who want to reconcile with spouses who don't deserve a second (or third or fourth, etc.) chance. Although I still like and love my H, I'm not sure if I'd be willing to overcome my hurt and rejection if it wasn't for the kids. I'm not sure how much of a DBer I consider myself at this point. I'm so grateful for this forum though...and I think about you folks even when I am not posting.

[Mila]

Hi flow, just catching up with your tread...you have many things happening and many issues to deal with. But you seem to be coping great...you are a strong lady

This caught my attention, because that's exactly how I feel.

Confused about men too. I am still very attracted to H even though I continue to have no hope about our M. I'm finding myself wanting to have flirtation in my life...yet I'm hating the idea of dating or being involved with any kind of courtship rituals

I also seem to have the need to be nurtured by someone...instead of me doing the nurturing.

I'll be honest. It's hard for me to come here and read about beautiful, caring people who want to reconcile with spouses who don't deserve a second (or third or fourth, etc.) chance. Although I still like and love my H, I'm not sure if I'd be willing to overcome my hurt and rejection if it wasn't for the kids. I'm not sure how much of a DBer I consider myself at this point

Those are valid questions, I have days that I think about that as well. Are they worthy of our love?

[june72]

Hi Flowmom- glad to see you back on the boards. I have been wondering about your son and wanted many times to send an email but didn't want to "add" to your stress and have your mind be occupied by another aspectg of live that can be worrisome. I found getting services to be frustrating at times. In NY state you can ask for an independant second eval and have the state pay for it. Or you can do a private eval and have the results compared. My son ended all services but will need to go back on. I really hated his latest OT and was content to have services end since she stated that my son is lazy concerning fine motor. Whatever. Anyhow, I feel your rollercoaster. My mommy gut has been correct about everything else- ie his genetic disorder and the need for hospitalizationn last summer, etc.- even when the Pediatricians basically scoffed at me. So it worries me....

Ironically I had a playdate with a mom who has her PhD in Special Ed and specializes in autism that stated my son seemed ok (I was embarrassed by his lack of interaction with the kids, he was kind of rebuffing them- so the autism theory came out) and was elated. Then, ironically enough, I have a neighbor that also has his PhD and specializes in autism (even written a book about it) and mentioned I saw the earlier gal and she wanted to network with him. He asked about my son and I happily she had stated son seemed ok. To my shock, the neighbor stated yeah, well she deals with severe cases- I deal with more Ausperger, high functioning cases. Why don't I give him an assessment. He seemed really dubious, I was heartbroken. It's like my emotions have been up and done in this area. Hubby is so calm about it- he states- bad autism no but maybe a PPD (remember he has about 15 years experience with autism). Then is always states it's a waiting game we have to see. Agh!! That coupled with some comments from the preschool teacher about some weird echolalia and other issues. Worrisome. Oh yeah, he also tested very high in the intelligence area- 95%. The evluator was impressed but I just found it frustrating- for such a smart kid- he seems to really lack in interaction and social skills and just an understanding of common life day to day events. Oh yes and there is the Sensory Integration issue where noises, smells even tactile issues really get him to flip out.


Anyhow,I found this really awesome great book and I thought of you immediately. Just published- 1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism or Asperger's by Ellen Notbohm. I have only read the first few pages and found myself thinking everything was so spot on. It so seemed to fit my son. The first chapter really delves in to sensory issues and has some great insight and really expains things perfectly. I am really eager to read through the enitre book. Hoping for the best, prepared for the worst.

I'll be honest. It's hard for me to come here and read about beautiful, caring people who want to reconcile with spouses who don't deserve a second (or third or fourth, etc.) chance. Although I still like and love my H, I'm not sure if I'd be willing to overcome my hurt and rejection if it wasn't for the kids. I'm not sure how much of a DBer I consider myself at this point. I'm so grateful for this forum though...and I think about you folks even when I am not posting.

I hear you! I feel these boards are filled with codependant, unhealthy people that feel there life will not go on with out their spouse. That they can not live life without their spouse- such an unhealthy attitude. That under the guise of DB they will put up with all sorts of nonsense in hopes of getting their spouse back. Ironically I think DB more is about establishing healthy boundaries and finding the strength within yourself to stand on your own two feet with or without spouse. It seems that people want to ignore that part and twist DB to mean codependant- at least that is how I see it.

[june72]

Oh, darn! Millions of typos in the above post and the time has expired for fixing them. sorry!

[Gardener]

fm

I'm finding myself wanting to have flirtation in my life...yet I'm hating the idea of dating or being involved with any kind of courtship rituals .

I hear you; I'm with you on this one.

I guess a lot of this is the cliche of the LBS journey...and I hate to be a cliche .

Oh, it's not a cliche, flow. We're not cliches.
Normal reaction.
We need time.
Natural fact.

Peace,

[courageous wife]

Hi and (((FM))) Glad you are back...

It is good to reflect like you are...asking the questions of yourself...answers will come when they come.

Take care