Good points, Jeff. He wouldn't have asked you to drop by if he had plans to see the broom. Sounds like it was her doing. She's toxic, and if your X is getting healthy, he's not going to be interested in her. I think you need to step back and not revert back to just thinking worst case scenario. You are awesome, and he knows that!!!
I do agree with you that he obviously didn't expect her to come by since he asked me to. The FB thing is just a conduit to her being in constant contact with him. Unacceptable.
As far as him not being interested in her. Ummmm...excuse me but he had a 3 year R with her. She is the one that kicked him out. He said he loved her. There is nothing that says he wouldn't go right back to her if she invited him. He hasn't said he wants to be with me. He hasn't given me any indication that he wants anything more than this bed buddy R we seem to have. He does loving things for me but he always did even during the worst of it.
He didn't come home from work. He told me he was going to have drinks with the guy he was talking to. He then called me to tell me he was going to Hooters to hang out for a while. He's avoiding coming back. Avoidance is classic in our R. I asked him to come home and talk to me but he said he couldn't handle the tension and wasn't coming back until late if at all.
So there you have it. I'm more than likely right. History repeating itself. I'm too tired to fight anymore.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I hope you two get a chance to talk. Obviously, there's nothing he can do about her shopping in his store but as far as her being a FB buddy, that he can stop. I think you have every right to expect him to dump her from FB if he truly wants to work on a R with you. I can certainly understand your concern and the pain this causes, hopefully he can to.
Hey Mish, I'm sorry to hear all of that and also, how Gabe handled it (insensitively).
I agree with the others, he surely didnt know there was a risk she would pop by else he wouldnt have asked you to. The fact he kept chatting to the other guy shows he didnt talk to her for long (or you!).
When I saw Helen for the first time after we got back together, I was VERY upset. BF stopped kissing and hugging me once we knew she was there as he "didnt want to rub her face in it". I was very hurt and felt betrayed all over again. When we next saw her, he was on edge, but less concerned about her feelings. These WAS have alot to get past as well, its not just us.
Its natural that Gabe would be probably as mixed up and stressed about this as you were. As OT likes to say, he has feelings too! I can see it must have made him feel like a big *ss. He gets a painful reminder of the mistake he made and the bitter R with this woman and then your hurt and pain and guilt and.. well, typical Gabe, he stayed out all night.
I think its totally unacceptable for him to be back in your house, with you, sleeping with you and then to re-befriend her on FB. Crass, insensitive and unnacceptable. Mish, I have really no clue what you can do about it, other than be honest if you can in a calm, strong way? Gabe, I can't live with you, ML and be ok about you being friends on FB with the woman you had a 3 year A with... If he refuses to defriend her, I guess you have a choice and can ask him to move out ?? Or ask for his password to FB if he wants to stay friends, but to prove to you that there is nothing to hide ??
On the plus side, it wasnt about him seeing the broom (as you assunmed), he was honest and told you "I asked him to come home and talk to me but he said he couldn't handle the tension and wasn't coming back until late if at all." So it was about your emotions and him not being able to handle you putting them on him, for whatever reason. Hugs xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
There is such a fine line between my rights to my own feelings and making those feelings clear to Gabe. I can't see continuing in this convoluted R that isn't really a R. Either he's in or he's out and this inbetween thing doesn't work for me.
That's exactly what I need to tell him isn't it?
He came home, late last night, totally buzzed and went straight to bed. I swear he did it so I couldn't talk to him. I asked him what he had to drink and he said 2 glasses of wine (he's a serioud lightweight). WINE??? He HATES wine with a passion. I asked him why the heck he had that and he just said that he felt like it but it was gross. So gross he had 2 glasses? Weird! I have no idea who he was there with, I don't trust that he was with friends. Of course, friends would include the broom apparently.
Nope......can't handle it. Don't think I should. I deserve to be treated better than this. Now to just translate that thinking into words to him without sounding crazy.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You were sure he wouldn't come home, Mish! And now you're sure that his drinking wine had somethimg to do with the broom! Take some deep breaths here. Lastly, living like this may indeed be too much for you to handle, I know it would be for me! So, you do have to seriously consider whether you can continue this way. It's ultra anxiety provoking and your posts usually show how suspicious and doubtful you are about him and his intentions. This may not be the best way to reconcile. It may be better if he is out of the home and you two date for a while to see if a new R is possible. I think it's way to tough on you the way it is and that is nothing to be ashamed of! Think hard about what you want.
Trust me, that's all I do. The problem I have is what I want is in direct conflict with what I can have. My mentality with Gabe has always be a little twisted. I've lived with this thought daily, "Expect nothing....that way when you get nothing you won't be hurt and when you get a little something that is better than nothing." NOT GOOD! I now know that having zero expectation only leads to low performance on that person's part. I've trained him this way though. Years and years of it. That's not something that can be undone is it?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
First, stop with the blah blah blah... Gabe is just treating me like a FWB blah blah blah. It is simply false. Burn the tape.
Avoidance takes TWO people. Why keep playing the game?
I'm pretty sure I mentioned months ago that the reappearance of OW was almost certain. I've never seen anyone on these boards reconcile without the A partner rearing his/her head multiple times. It was your choice to accept the circumstances and work on an R. What are you going to do now? Quit? Repeat your history so that YOU will have gotten nowhere through this? Why??
I'd suggest a letter:
"Gabe,
Avoidance about your current interaction with OW is not OK here. I agree -- if we are going to move forward in our relationship then we need to get to a place where your past affair does not continue to stress our relationship so much. But, to do this, we need to move forward TOGETHER. "Getting over it," is not something I can do alone.
You were the one who broke our trust. Only with your effort, combined with mine, can we rebuild the trust over time. It will take loving reassurance, rather than defensiveness. It will take honesty, openness and transparency, rather than evasiveness. I think we have a real shot at a wonderful, passionate, happy, committed, monogomous relationship. We can provide a loving and strong family for Marc. We can both become who we want to be as individuals and lovers. If this is something you want to work together on as partners, let me know. Right now, I am open to that possibility.
But, FWIW, I should let you know that I will not be in a romantic relationship with you while you are in contact with OW. I deserve better, and I require better."
