I feel like i need to contact WAW

[CityGirl]

What if you had a friend that told you about all this drama? What would you suggest to him/her?

IMO this is a very, very unstable situation for you, your W and your child. The law has been involved multiple times in a very, very serious way.

I understand you love your W for what she used to be. I think most of us can deeply relate to that feeling. But right now things are not how they "used to be" and unless you make some different choices nothing will change.

If your W chooses to continually engage in this highly destructive behavior, well, it's her choice. Your choice is to remove yourself from it fully.

I understand legal fees can be overwhelming but what else is there to do? IMO this is not a scenario where you can let things play out. It's simply too dangerous.

[knightinneed]

City girl, i know your right, and if it was me well I would think get away from it - take your daughter and go.

I am feeling better today about things and I know complete detachment is necessary. OM's W is saying all this to me, and now I receive a call from WAW's good friend and she told me the following below.

- She said WAW was not kicked out and that OM left the house which is true to go stay with his dad.
- She said OM and his Wife are both nuts and that OM and WAW never had anything going and that OM is stalking WAW.
- She said that OM Wife freaked out because WAW put a flower in her childs hair and wrote a nasty facebook message to WAW about it.
- She said that WAW does not like OM and told him repeatedly that there is no romance or anything and he will not listen.

And this is the Son of court monitor for DD1, whom likely is in the house during visits??

My sister who communicates with OM's Mom is going to get to the bottom of this insanity.

Questions :
1.I do not know whom to believe regarding this relationship, but I suspect maybe something happened WAW broke it off, the OM moved out of the house. But if he is stalking WAW and this drama is happening over there what do i need to do for my daughters sake? Do I leave it alone or report this to CPS and Lawyer?

2. OM W still wants to meet and would like me to show her some paperwork on my WAW that shows her arrests and the cps case etc.
She is still not sure if her and OM are going to work, and is concerned about her 2 kids being around all this which I understand completely - However WAWs friend said she was Nuts, and should not be trusted.

In busting the EA/PA should I still meet with her? Is there any harm in just showing this poor depressed woman some papers?

3. WAW stated clearly that our relationship is OVER. Which i can accept that yes the way it is now it is OVER. I am hoping
it settles enough to where we can do a Shared Custody agreement, as part of this behavior is directly related to her having too much time on her hands as she noted in a email.

Is it wrong for me to want and give her another chance, play civil and shared custody? I am hoping I can trust her.

4. WAW's friend thought I was psychotic for even exposing this EA or PA to everyone, however I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. Do you think it was wrong to do this?

Me 36
WAW 29
Together 2.5 yrs
Married 1 year 2 month
DD 1

[TimeHeals]

WAW's friend thought I was psychotic for even exposing this EA or PA to everyone, however I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. Do you think it was wrong to do this?

I see so everybody but the people in the affair and an enabler are crazy, but cheating is perfectly OK and should be kept secret?

Pfft! Dismissed. Don't talk to that 'friend' anymore.

On planet Bozo, talking about somebody having an affair is really, really bad, but having affairs is perfectly OK. Talk about one, however, and you're a nut.

On planet Bozo, the police have to lock up the sane people for doing perfectly sane things like biting and trying to steal cars from psychos.

Gimme a break.

[knightinneed]

Timeheals yeah i agree, i probably shouldnt have even been talking with her friend, but i was curious and was using her to get information. I honestly wish I hadnt talked to the friend, her mother, anybody. I wish I had the strength to go dark and just be dark about it all.

I guess WAW stirred up things with me when she brought OM to court with her which now I know she did that to hurt me intentionally.

After that happened is when I just had to know the truth, and begin checking facebook pages and google searches etc... I honestly do not regret exposing the ea or pa whichever it was, but I look back on all my contacting of WAW friends and Mother as just plain stupid.

I am focused on DD1 and have a healthy dose of detachment today, as my nerves are more calm now that I know this affair thing is busted it seems.

I do however hold out hope that 1 day far down the road, there could still be something for us. I still love her, I know that she is in pain, depressed, scared and not herself. And I just feel like she hates me even more after all these new developments.

I think if OM Wife calls I am just going to tell her that I need to just step away from all this and I hope that she can repair her marriage since they have 2 kids.

I have a court date on July 15 and I am hoping that we can get no contact dropped - a solid plan for visitation - and for her to file the D if that is what she wants.

Does anyone think that it would be ridiculous to still want to DB after all this? I believe in my heart I will always love her and always dream of that peaceful time with WAW and DD1 by my side.

[gucci loafer]

I think if OM Wife calls I am just going to tell her that I need to just step away from all this and I hope that she can repair her marriage since they have 2 kids.

NO.. OM's wife is helping YOU in this. You need to keep her in the loop. Your best chance now is to bust up this possible affair. More than likely your WAW and the OM are both lying.
You WANT the OM's wife getting involved here. If they are having an affair this could put it on the ropes. We WANT the OM to dump your wife. Don't believe your wife or the OM right now.

[TimeHeals]

I agree with Gucci on this. So far the only person you have talked to who is on same side of this affair as you is OM's W.

Your wife's friends and such, on the other hand, are enablers (and that calls their present character into question, IMO).

Fight for your kids, yourself and do what is right. Do not let your emotions dictate your next move. Do not contact your W (Lawyers should be used for this), OM, or your wife's enablers.

Go dark on the people working against you, and this includes your W at this time.

[techguy]

knight...sorry for the 2x4...

Just my opinion, but I think you are making an extreamly serious error in pursing joint custody.

First, joint custody requires the most interaction between the parents. Kids are going back and forth every week, even durign the school year. Trust me, it only works when you can have a civil relationship with WAW. You are soooo far away from that I can't even imagine it.

Generally speaking, courts won't award joint custody on their own. They pretty much always award full custody to one parent for this very reason. The only way joint happens is if the parent settle ahead of time. (Pre-court).

Second, your wife is crazy. The fact that you are willing to contemplate letting your kids spend 50% of their life with her honestly makes me wonder about <your> parenting skills.

Third, you have all the cards here. You know for a fact that she can't afford to have a custody battle. Nor does she have the emotional stability to make it through one.

I think the only reason you are looking for shared is that you hope 'throwing your wife a bone' would get her to like you and come back. That sir, is very, very wrong. You need to do what is right for your kids,without regards to whether your wife will like it or not.

[knightinneed]

Tech Guy the 2x4's are welcome, they honestly are. I had considered your earlier advice as well for stalling, but it seems WAW thinks I am on the attack. I guess the reason I considered Shared/Joint was exactly what you were thinking " To throw her bone " so to speak.

I am feeling better today, detaching more but I keep wondering about all this and what to do. I did find OM has moved out of his mothers house where WAW is. I think OM W may have been wrong as she is still there, but I noticed on FB that OM removed WAW from his profile. And OM W removed OM from her profile.

I havent heard back from OM W, and I dont really want to go out of my way to talk to her, as I will just let her call me. I guess at this point on the surface it seems if this affair is down the tubes, but who knows I just feel like going dark because everything is so stressful. I will answer calls from OM Wife if she does call though.

I do feel WAW needs help, and I know she does not think she is crazy so you maybe right, but her decision making has been down the tubes since we were split by the courts in April. I guess you and City Girl likely see no hope for me to hang on, with all the craziness that has gone on and well I guess I am seeing this start to fade as well. I need to think long and hard and after no contact is lifted I guess I will know more, but as of now I feel im too involved in WAW's life through all these people that were pulled into our mess.


Gucci, I agree I will talk with OM W, but do you think I have a shot at any semblance of a real relationship to look forward too? I mean busting a affair is good, but Im just not sure what I gain other then the satisfaction of doing it. At this point WAW hates my guts.

City Girl, I do agree and well I just want to do whats right for my daughter, I just hang on to hope that WAW will settle down and stop all this madness.

Got to spend time DD1 today and well it was great, we fell asleep together at my sisters and fun playing.

Thanks to all you whom have commented, more comments advise is welcome by all means.

Me 36
WAW 29
together 2/12 yrs
Married 1 year
Bomb 4/22/10
Currently headed toward divorce

[CityGirl]

I have to ask what makes you think your W will "settle down"?

People who are violent (your W attacked you), who lie and cheat (your W did both), who put their child in foster care so "your" side doesn't get custody (if I understand your story correctly your W did that too) and are mentally unbalanced (sounds like your W needs some help) don't just "settle down" and stop their madness. In fact she is making it worse and with each bad decision she makes she narrows her chance of any sort of custody or unsupervised visitation at all.

I mean neither you or your wife were able to follow the court ordered no contact rule. You both seem to lack self control when it comes to each other, her more than you.

Yes, the ONLY goal you should have right now is self evolution and more importantly doing what is right for your child. Your W should be put on the back burner until she decides to get help.

This is all very harsh, I know but it is amazing to me after what your daughter has been put through you would even want this woman in your life.

[knightinneed]

City girl, when WAW and I were getting along things were very settled. She asked alot of me during that time as I was drinking alot and also not going to church etc... She encouraged things to make me a better man, which now alot of it I have seen and have geared my efforts to changing.

I am not trying to defend her actions by any means, as her temper was explosive obviously when she gets mad, but when things were good I assumed we were happy being a normal family going to the dog park, out to eat, the occasional movie, and just watching TV in the evenings.

Now she nagged me about alot of things were true as I was very depressed wasnt on my anti-ds nor was doing anything about my messed up financial debt. I was just coasting and she seen this in me and nagged alot.

She felt i became weak, not a man, and was just floating and not interested in changing. I would get jealous of facebook usage etc... Not very manly at all. I have changed these bad behaviors and feel good in knowing that I have for me.

I feel that when we were just being normal before the fights, before cps, that things were good, unless I just think they were better then they really were.

She got really into religion and began to work as well, positive steps for her. After the CPS thing is when she really began to lose her mind.

I felt like overall she was a good mother before all that began, and I think with all this time on her hands it has her resorted to her past single life where she was hanging out with men and not being too responsible. Maybe she missed that life I honestly dont know.

I just think if all the changes I make, all the big complaints such as Finances being in order, Plans to move to better part of town, Me quitting smoking not drinking as much, My weight loss, My lack of assertivness and being able to control my temper as well that it has a possible chance.

I really think she is off on the deep end and avoiding reality right now, but I think she is capable to be that loving W that she once was. I dunno maybe I am offbase but I have a small shred of hope for her even if we never get back together, that maybe she will get it together for her daughter.

I know that if she had her daughter right now, she wouldnt be acting like some crazy cheerleader out partying and carrying on a affair.

I do know I must detach, and that is my plan. Detach, act as if, maybe block her facebook and try to forget. Its damn hard to not be curious. I do know one thing is that she is hellbent on torturing me, as she has added every ex-bf i know of hers to facebook probably thinking I will look and that it will hurt me more.

She blames me for ruining the relationship, getting her daughter taken away, and ruining her life. I hate being in this position, and well I guess i just have to let go.

As far as full custody, I am going to think this over very hard and make my decision after the next court date for CPS family court as I am hoping DD will be returned to me.