Nothing fits

[mishka422]

Happy Sunday all.

I had a shock to my system today and I'm not sure what I'm doing now.

Gabe had texted me and asked me what I was doing (he was at work), I told him and he told me to drop by there on my way to the store. I told him I was already there but I would drop by on my way home. I pulled up in front of the store where he works and nearly threw up right then. Parked in front was the broom's car. I nearly turned around and left but decided I wasn't going to run away. I saw her come out of the store with her son and some fountain drinks in their hands. I was parked right next to her and she looked toward me but didn't acknowledge that she saw me. She got in and left. I went into the store but Gabe was talking to a guy he knows that had stopped by and my emotions were roiling. I said hello and then left within a couple of minutes. I couldn't stand there and pretend I hadn't seen her. It was all over my face and my heart was in my throat. Bad, bad, bad memories, horrible feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and betrayal swept over me and I had to just get out of there.

I told Gabe that I had quite a shock and he said he didn't know she was coming by. I asked him why she would and he just said she was with her kid and they came in to get something to drink. I was honest, told him that I'm not blaming him for her being there but it didn't make it any less of a shock. She knows he works there and there are numerous other gas stations she could have stopped at for a drink so she obviously wanted to see him. His response was that I need to get over it and move on. His exact words were, "If you want to try to move on, you gotta try to not get all bent out of shape like today. I've told you before it was my fault I went looking. I liked to her to be with her. I appreciate you letting me in and I've enjoyed being there with you and helping how I can, but I can't go on if you can't move on too."

Now he's going out for a few drinks with the guy he was talking to. I'm trusting that he really is and isn't meeting her. I'm trying so hard not to think that. I'm so freaking pissed at myself. I'm so broken and needy that I've latched onto him like a darned barnacle on the bottom of a ship. I deserve what I'm getting. How stupid of me and my foolish heart.

He says he won't be home for dinner and not to save anything for him. He likely won't be back.

Why did I do this to myself? Why couldn't I just suck it up and shut up? Why did seeing her set me off? Of course if I ran into her in some random place it would have irked me but to see her coming out of his place of work (where he is the ONLY employee) was too much for me.

The pain is too much for me. I'm better off alone.