Just Confronted - A Litttle Confused

[Allen A]

Onthemountaintop you need to read the last 21 pages before you offer up comment.. you are playign with someone`s marriage here and its pretty clear you haven`t read the last 21 pp

[Onthemountaintop]

Onthemountaintop you need to read the last 21 pages before you offer up comment.. you are playign with someone`s marriage here and its pretty clear you haven`t read the last 21 pp

Ah! Now that is a very valid response to my post. And much more respectful. (thanks!)

I am NOT an expert. Nor are you. We are commenting based on what we understand to help each other out. If I missed something, or said something that was unhelpful - I have no problem with the disagreement. That disagreement may help me understand my own sitch better, too.

[Allen A]

Sorry to correct you here onthemountaintop, but I am referencing experts on infidelity and their advice... You clearly aren't... you aren't even READING the thread fully before you post your advice... I AM

So don't try to paint this as equal footing... post CAREFULLY and READ before you POST...

I may not be an expert, but at least I am offering the advice that an expert would offer under the circumstances of the last 21 pages...

I am not asking you to help, I am asking you to NOT DO HARM...

You advising someone BLINDLY to go up to their spouse who just FILED for DIVORCE with GLEE on their face and attempt to LICK their EAR is terribly WRECKLESS with someone ELSE's marriage...

Withold comment until you are caught up please... you are just going to risk doing DAMAGE

[Quicksilver264]

Ugggh. My head hurts.

Now she is leaving for business all week. She has to pack and load the car.

One of her MAJOR complaints before was that I never wanted to help her out. I've been doing yard/housework all day, and basically ignoring her.

SHOULD I help her with anything? Or should I just leave her totally be, and maybe go somewhere for the entire evening.

I guess part of my 180 would be to just be a friendly, decent person that might help a young lady load her car with heavy bags.

[Allen A]

Sounds like pursuit to me...

Its your call.. if you think that's going to IMPRESS her and win some RESPECT in teh long run then by all means do it.. but if she's just gonig to laugh at you over the phone to her friend I would say keep doing housework indirectly...

[DaddyLongShanks]

Onthemountaintop:

She really wants nothing to do with me. She is requesting as much travel time for business as possible, she goes and visits family often, she texts her friends all the time with things like "I'm so glad I am getting out", ect.

If I even mentioned sex, she would get REALLY mad.

This is common. Mention sex, your needs, or re establishing equilibrium in the situation the wayward spouse will get very angry. You have been compartamentalized, and you aren't staying in your space, LOL. Its normal.

Lately, she has been very happy, outgoing, and calm. I am in the process of LRT and doing 180s.

I have to let her see the consequences of her actions on her own. She is always asking for her "space" since we live in the same house while all this goes on.

Every day, she gets more and more detached from me. And I am trying to do the same, and focus on me.

Every day she talks to those relationships who support the affair, every day she participates in the affair, every day she does her daily routine without you in mind, she's losing distance from you.

But the thing is, we cross paths all the time in the house and I an now pretty much ignoring her. ONCE in a great while she asks me something, and I just aloofly answer. I show NO EMOTION AT ALL.

An alternative is to look "loving", but from a low stress position. All of us have been in the house with a spouse who is not really there. Their body is there, but their mind and spirit are not.

She perceives this as I am "crazy" or "acting out" (her words). She is expecting me to be friendly and interact maturely. She sees the beginning of this LRT as "flip flopping" and she texts her friends about it telling them I am "going off the deep end".

I'd stay away from her. She is building up a larger negative sentament in her friends. However while these friends will drive the wedge in between you two, there are a couple in there who know she is full of $hit, even though they outwardly support her. Some of these female friends are wierd, where they are friends with your spouse, but hate her guts. Its a competitive thing.

She seems to be (outwardly) enjoying this, because she thinks I am ignoring her because I am mad/hurt/angry, and it validates her decision to divorce a "crazy unstable" person.

She says her friends/family/co-workers are "amazing support" and they all want her to be happy and leave me if that will do it.

[/quote]

I don't know what it is in these "tear-down parties". Theres always a group involved, but it really is the wife's fault. She feeds the information about you, and it is to "prove her case". Like I said in this crowd there are going to be some who know she is "full of $hit", but they will outwardly support her.

I believe you spend as much time as possible away from her. You are detached in that you are doing some bachelor style activities outside of the house. You are handling responsibilities around the house when you are there. You can look stable and secure without appearing too strong.

Someone mentioned to get in really good shape, and improve your wardrobe if you have not done so. Clean your car and get out on the town. Don't do it to impress her, impress and take care of yourself. If the wife will get back interested, this is the way its done.

Also you may consider doing online chat with her behind an alias. Meet her at a hotel or something and make love like crazy to your wife. Women have fantasies. Find out what hers are and blow her mind.

[DaddyLongShanks]

But in another post in this thread you advised to "make the home inviting". You mean by carrying my fair share and more around here? And just being a happy, fun-loving person that enjoys life and does not tick off his wife in any way?

Can I do that while still being detached? And what are going Dim/Dark, and are they applicable in this situation.

QS, make the HOME more inviting, but YOU no.. you wtihold emotional contact .. show nothing, give nothing...

Fix broken windows, paint the bathroom, mend the busted fence in the yard, all of that stuff...

When you show fear, sadness, etc your wife is gonig to get a kick out of it and push your buttons even more, she wants to HURT you.. its the addiction coming out there... its a VERY AGGRESSIVE addiction driven by guilt and pain... and it wants to hurt something near... you are the chosen target...

Suit of Armor my man... suit of emotional armor...

Make the HOME nice, but YOU do NOT open up to her, give her nothing.

Allen is right. It is a demon, I believe that does these attacks. They grow the demon through the affair and attacks on you. So it does not help you to appear vulnerable. It also does not help you to "take it".

Looking back, I feel I would have helped myself best to stay far away from mine when it started up and minimize communications. I tried to reason with it, like most of us have and it just doesn't work.

[Quicksilver264]

The Interaction tonight:

I get home from out with my buddies, she is home and packing.

We both go upstairs, and I HAVE to talk to her about home repairs, because it involves a good bit of money.

I SIMPLY TELL HER what needs to be done, who I got the estimate with, and what is next. She asks about another repair, and I answer. I also mention just CASUALLY I saw a chipmunk and snake when I was clearing, because I don't want to destroy a chipmunk nest while I clear the side of our yard.

She then starts talking about this woodchuck she saw down the street, and goes on and on in this excited voice, smiling, laughing ect. It was like a COMPLETELY different person.

I stay completely CALM, and then later ask her if it is OK if we donate some $$$ by buying bracelets for a friend of mine who has cancer.

She THEN starts to get uppity, and talk about how I used to not be interested in things like that when SHE wanted to do them.

I IMMEDIATELY ceased the conversation with "Fair enough", and walked away. I validated her point of view, and then ended the interaction on MY terms.

I have been GAL-ing and implementing my 180s, and it seemed like her guard was down for just a few min when I was talking about what HAD to be done next, and how it needed to get done.

Did I do OK with this?

[Onthemountaintop]

You sounded very calm. That sounds positive. Did you end off packing/helping her?

[TimeHeals]

I guess so. If she filed on 6/11, do you have a lawyer yet? I'd really start passing this "what needs to be done stuff" through lawyers too if you need to bring it up. At this point, let her initiate communication, keep things simple.

Don't focus on her unless she comes to you. Focus on yourself.