I am back...and finding me

[ericmsant2]

All
Figured I would provide everyone with an update on where I am both emotionally and legally.

From a legal perspective, all of my financial information has been provided to my L and my W has copies for her attny. Both attny will run their financial models and then will arrange a sit down between the four of us in order to determine whether or not we can reach an agreement on things. So from a legal perspective things are moving forward. W and I remain civil. No R discussion. It is clear that she has moved on. Actions, as well as know speak louder than words.

From an emotional perspective, I continue to feel a great deal of loss, which I believe is normal. Interesting enough, I also feel a huge sense of accomplishment at the same time so it is an interesting ride that I am on. I still struggle some days but it is a different kind of struggle - very different. I struggle more with MY emotion, which I know are mine to deal with; than I do about my W. I know I will survive this, I feel it – yet I do not feel whole just “yet”. Although I know that the “yet” will come, a part of me is still missing right now. On some days/nights my heart still aches for the women that I fell in love with.

Yes…I still hurt….I can say this. I hurt though; because I choose not to run from the pain but rather to run towards it. Why? It is in this hurt that is the answer that I need for ME. In this hurt, is me. I know that there will come a point where out of the ashes rises Mr. Sant….me! A new, strong, open, exposed (not what Mach probably thinking – LOL) me…exposed for who I am. The perception of others is just that – their perception, which may or may not be my reality. The feelings of my W…well they are just that - HER feelings. Most of the time…I can feel my strength returning. I can feel my healing coming on..and then…then….sorry to say….I stumble a bit. That my friends is the truth…

When I am down…I’ve learned to pick my latin butt up and keep moving…keep pressing on….keep fighting for me. This I must do alone.

I am looking forward these days. I am trying to frame out what my new life will be. A life that involves me and my kids. A life with new memories that I will create.

For you old timers who know the angst that I felt about my sons..know this……My boys are getting closer to me these days! Their friends now call me “DaddyO”. Most of the teenagers in my town know me. It puts a smile on my face when I think of the statements like…..“Hey DaddyO…can you give me a ride home”. Now truth be told….the DaddyO does make me feel a little old – but hey I know I’m still a cute spring chicken – LOL.

When I started down this process I “felt” I lost my babies…I “felt” I lost everything…..and then slowly….very slowly….I found and realized that I did not lose them…rather THEY found ME. Oh…the irony of it. Months…searching for them….to finally realizes that they were looking for me.

My boys ask me how I am doing these days when I get home. My oldest son (the tough one) seems just a tad closer to me. As for my daughter….well for those of you who have “heard my interactions with her on the phone”….you guys know just how much I mean to her and she means to me. The R between her and I is tighter than a….(I better not touch that one ). My oldest wants to help me these days. I reflect on this….and then realize….they KNOW…..they KNOW….the really know just how much I love them….They KNOW the MAN that is there father.

For any newcomer reading this...please focus on those "feelings" - listen when people tell you that they will change. For a dad that "feels" that he will lose his kids - you will not if you just LOVE THEM.

God Bless everyone,
Eric