Re-Connecting

[TimeHeals]

Look, I'm going to give you my harsh opinion of dating before your divorce is final and you are fully recovered from your M falling apart.

Now, I may not know a lot about marriage (my one and only attempt at it has been met with catastrophic failure), but I do know some things about dating, having prolonged my adolescence to well past 40.

I say not to date before your M is legally over and you are ready to put down that baggage because... you learn not to date women whose D's are not final or who are still carrying a lot of baggage... unless you want lots of crazy drama and hurt in your life.

That's one thing I learned while dating: don't open the next door until the last one is closed, and don't get seriously involved with somebody who does unless you want to wind up chasing your tail and maybe even having to get a restraining order or two.

So why not date before your divorce is final? You are not capable of being in a good dating relationship, and anybody experienced enough is going to know that, so who are you attracting? What are their motives? What is their problem?

I could say the same to people who have affairs obviously.

Now, I am not judging you. You can do what you want, and God knows I have made almost every mistake one can make in this area (hence the "experience"), but there's my 2 cents.

[Fightingforher]

Thanks Time.

I think you're right about healing. I'm not sure why I brought it up. I guess I'm looking for something to distract me from the pain that I feel inside about all of this.

I know my W is struggling with all of this too. She told me lastnight before she left that she tries not to show any emotions in front of me. Behind closed doors she is always crying. I wish I could comfort her during this time, but I know I'm not what she wants right now.

She didn't come home lastnight, I can only assume she stayed at her sisters. I'm not sure but I don't even ask anymore. I'm trying to GAL but I just can't afford to go out everynight. The tension within the house is bad, and when I'm home the W wants to leave. I've been nothing but nice to her and I've been having fun with our son and I've tried to be "bubbly". I think this really annoys her to see that I'm showing a happy side during all of this.

[Fightingforher]

I just called home to check on our son. I talked to my W and asked her if she was feeling any better, when she left lastnight she was pretty upset. She said she wasn't feeling better, she is miserable.

She continues to tell me that she is concerned that I've found some happiness during all of this. I told her that I need to work on myself for me and our son and so that W and I can have a better R after D. She gets angry that I've found this motivation after it's too late for her and I.

I don't have any explanations for my past behavior, I do know that she opened my eyes to all of this. I realize now that I need to be a better person. She continues to struggle with the fact that down the road she is going to be living by herself, finances will be tight, etc....

I'm not sure how to address this other then telling her it will be ok and she will figure it out. I will always be there for our son to help out.

Reading other posts, i'm not 100% sure I should mail in the Petition. I guess me mailig it in doesn't finalize anything but it's almost as if I'm requesting the D now.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this. Previous posts suggested that I start the process????

[Greek]

I'm not sure how to address this other then telling her it will be ok and she will figure it out. I will always be there for our son to help out.

Reading other posts, i'm not 100% sure I should mail in the Petition. I guess me mailig it in doesn't finalize anything but it's almost as if I'm requesting the D now.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this. Previous posts suggested that I start the process????

Ask her for coffee. Tell her you need to discuss something with her. Over coffee "W, I am going to send in the petition for D. I don't want to divorce you but I also do not want to live the way we have lived and are living now. However, before I take this step, I must know - do you have any idea, any hope, that we could build a new marriage going forward?"

Listen to what she says. If it is anything short of "Yes, I have doubts and would like try talk about how to try going forward", you send those papers and move on with your life.

In this way, you give you one final open door to walk gracefully through. If she doesn't see that/take that opp, then you have your answer. But the big BUT here is - if she doesn't walk through the door - YOU MUST FILE! Otherwise, well...you know what....you're a chump. And you are NOT a chump.

Greek

[Fightingforher]

Thank you Greek,

I will have that discussion with her tonight after our son goes to bed. I've tried to be as optimistic as I can but it's hard hearing her talk about how we are going to split up the furniture, toys, etc....

In a way I guess I already have my answer. Maybe putting it out there is what you're referring too. It will give me the closure I need to know that I gave it my all to save this M. I still have some hope but it's slowly fading.

Thanks

[Greek]

She just sort of sounds like I think I sounded when the doubts started to set in. That's why I suggest putting the question out there - take it or leave it - you can handle either answer, of course. But then you'll know and...she'll know, too. That is the peg you can both hang it on - whatever the answer.

Greek

[CD Bear]

I am new and just read this entire thread. I want to say thank you to everyone because I now feel a little better about my situation. And I'm gonna have to look for "Coach's old posts". I read DB and DR and was so overwhelmed with options on what to do next (especially at a time when my life is imploding) that it was good to see an action plan. FFH, I hope your W figures it out in time. And I'm hoping mine does, too.

[TimeHeals]

I'm not sure how to address this other then telling her it will be ok and she will figure it out. I will always be there for our son to help out.

Well, you don't address it by invalidating what she is feeling which is what you do when you say it's going to be OK and she will figure it out.

You are basically saying what she is feeling is wrong when you do that. The standard line here is "I'm sorry you feel that way", but "yeah, that's tough, but you can do it" is validating with a positive spin.

[Fightingforher]

I got home yesterday and my W had gone shopping with our son. I sent her a message if she would like me to pick up dinner. She gave me a call and we planned on getting some take out when she got home.

I ventured over to the computer and paid some bills and I noticed that she has been in touch with the OM (her boss). I had the D Petition in my hand and I thought about how I was going to approach her as "GREEK" mentioned above. After seeing her contact with him again, I got angry, I wasn't sure how to process this.

The other night she didn't come home and as soon as she left there was a 2min call to OM. I have no confirmation that they met but I can only assume they did. I left the house before they got home because I couldn't face her and i didn't want to blow up in front of my son.

I sent her a message that I wasn't feeling up for dinner and to go ahead and eat. I got home after our son was in bed and I just went to my room. She came in and asked if everything was ok and I just replied yes and laid down. She sent me a text from the bedroom next door asking me "what's wrong, you look pissed". I didn't even reply, I never had the D Petition talk. I got up this morning and put it right in the mailbox.

I think that may have been my breaking point. Do we all have those points. I think it's a matter of respect now more than anything. I mean she knows that I'm crazy right now and checking phone records. Why would she do that knowing this, it's almost as if she doesn't care at all about my feelings. I certainly don't deserve this. I laid in bed and checked the phone records again and sure enough as i was out a 20min conversation to OM.

I'm so angry right now I can't even think about working on my Marriage. I feel so betrayed, almost as if I'm back at square one again.

[TimeHeals]

. Do we all have those points

I don't know. I know I went through something similiar right before my W moved out, and then a week later she met me to give me back my SS card, and she brought up OM and then asked if I had filed yet, and I told her to do it.

So it wasn't the same exactly, but I was very angry even if I didn't yell or anything, and I felt the betrayal, disrespect, and so on, and I felt like I had to give up on the M just to respect myself.