Your life...but I see problems with that. I can't see being friends with someone that broke up your family. If you have even 1% interest of ever reconciling with your X, I can't see providing her with that emotional connection and helping her to avoid consequences from your D as a good thing.
And if you have zero interest in reconciling, I'm sure you will wind up dating TM or someone in the future. I do not think that woman will be ok with you hanging out with your X--and that's going to lead to more problems and confusion for your boys then. I'm also betting they are hoping you will reconcile like you have in the past; so getting their hopes up and confusing for them if you don't. I'm always such a Debbie Downer for you; but there it is....
You're not a downer Karen! It is good input. I ask because I want to know.
The boys were too young to remember the first time, they're not aware of it.
Ok my phone is not the best way to interface with this site.
I guess my questions for myself are, how do I achieve a sense of normalcy now? It should not be contengent on xw spending time with us from time to time.
I don't have a clear vision of what things should be like now. Finding things to do with the boys, taking care of chores, going to work, making meals, all that feels like I'm going through the motions. At some point I imagine that this will bake into the feeling of a complete life. How does it happen, is it just time?
Xw isn't going to make it happen. TM isn't the path to that either, fwiw. So for my life, home, family, I'm the guy to make it happen. Is it just a matter of going through the motions? Fake it till you make it?
I guess I'm looking at this as some problem to solve, some action or event will propel me into the space where this is good and normal. I know that's not it. Intellectually I know it's time. Emotionally I know it's focus on the boys and taking care of things. They will be ok, I see that now.
I guess I need to work on my confidence as a single parent. I need to work on my sense of self. I need to figure out how to move into a space where I have friendships and it's not about support.
You mentioned TM - and I come to realize how many conversations with her are about how my situation sucks or her situation sucks. It's about support. And that's fine. I think it's a mistake to think that that is going to really be anything else soon.
The only thing to do I think is to discover more of myself in this phase. Friendly xw offers a reprieve. But I can't cling to her, or anyone else.
I need to imagne a meaningful life without her, or a woman as the focus. That's what I'm living now (well I guess it's how you define focus), but I'm not there yet in how I feel about it. It still feels broken and that I need to fix it somehow.
I think you had several good insights there chief...
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You mentioned TM - and I come to realize how many conversations with her are about how my situation sucks or her situation sucks. It's about support. And that's fine. I think it's a mistake to think that that is going to really be anything else soon.
Of course this doesn't completely preclude the possibility of a later relationship, but I think it's very wise to recognize and acknowledge that you are both filling a role in the other's life right now. And that role is NOT a potential partner or mate.
Moreover, I'm not sure that you're really in a place right now where MORE than friendship is genuine.
Also...
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Friendly xw offers a reprieve. But I can't cling to her, or anyone else.
A friendly ex-spouse is to be highly valued - for both you and the children. My situation was made far easier by having my ex-spouse move 500 miles away. The distance made it possible to keep an amiable relationship, which made things FAR easier for the boys than had we been constantly snipping at each other.
But the real point is this one...
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I need to imagne a meaningful life without her, or a woman as the focus. That's what I'm living now, but I'm not there yet in how I feel about it.
You mentioned "fake it till you make it." I suppose there is an element of truth to that, but the reality is that you are navigating uncharted waters. Being a single Dad is something you do, you do some more, and eventually it becomes more second nature.
The key, I think, to any significant life change is to EMBRACE the change. And I mean embrace. Don't tolerate it, don't find a way to get by...actually change your perception of what your status is right now and make it a GOOD thing in your mind. Find the positives, explore the benefits. Trust me, there are many there. At a minimum, you stand to have an incredibly strengthened relationship with your boys - far beyond what you would have had if the status had remained quo.
It's normal to reflect, and it's healthy too. Keep thinking, keep considering, but don't allow it to keep you from living life.
That's the difference between surviving and thriving.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Geronimo, I still do things with my wife and kids. We saw it as part of maintaining some kind of normalcy for the kids. We still celebrate birthdays, special occasions together and go to dinner periodically. Yes, my wife's decision tore the family apart but I'm not sure the way to deal with it is to be vengeful and cut off all non- business contact. Whether or not you live together you will always be a family to some degree! Now, does that mean you hang out with her every week or something? Well, no. I think that it's good for the kids to see that mom and dad don't hate each other. Now some people on this BB and in my other life say it's bad to do this but others think it's wonderful and wish they could have that kind of R with their ex for the kids. So, I dunno what the answer is. But I do know what you described about how nice it was to be a family again. I feel that way too when we're together but if you go home and are depressed for days because of it then it may be worth re-thinking your contact. Personally, I don't seem to have that issue afterwards, I'm just thankful that we can still be, even once in a while, a family. Now, I don't have anyone else in my life and my W has someone tucked away who she never brings around the kids, so it's no problem for us. Anyway,that's my rambling, take it for what it's worth.
Not sure what I'm doing just... wanted to talk to her. And we had a nice old familiar friendly conversation.
Now, if you're making contact for "family time" that's one thing, if you're calling her up frequently to fill your needs then you're asking for trouble. It gives the WAS way too much power over you. When you feel the need "just to talk" find another way to meet that need. Don't set yourself up for expectations that will likely be dashed at some point just like your M was. My 2 cents anyway.
I agree with wii, don't cut-off contact but don't be eager to initiate contact either. Let her initiate. Hanging out together on certain occasions is probably good. You need to let her be on her own for a while like Karen said. Just my $.2
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Then you say "I'm sorry you must be mistaking me for someone who cares!" Nooo, just say "that's great" but that doesn't mean you make her your confidente in similar ways. She kicked your ass to the curb and now she wants you to be her buddy too! Think it over.
Do what is comfortable for you, and what you can handle. If this works for you, and you can keep a handle on your EXPECTATIONS, good interactions are good things.
You know the potential dangers. That's what we're here for, to keep them in front of you mind.
The important thing is that you have peace in how you're living your life.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
say it's bad to do this but others think it's wonderful and wish they could have that kind of R with their ex for the kids. So, I dunno what the answer is. But I do know what you described about how nice it was to be a family again. I feel that way too when we're together but if you go home and are depressed for days because of it then it may be worth re-thinking your contact. Personally, I don't seem to have that issue afterwards, I'm just thankful that we can still be, even once in a while, a family. Now, I don't have anyone else in my life and my W has someone tucked away who she never brings around the kids, so it's no problem for us. Anyway,that's my rambling, take it for what it's worth.