Newbie: going to try Ghandi method

[AntoniaB]

My sad story is posted in the newcomer forum under Husband left for second time, but I was directed here since the issue that drove him out this time was an emotional affair. I read over the Ghandi method and I'm comfortable with that, in that I feel like I need very much to "back off" from pushing him as that is my major issue with him, that I am controlling and for years he enabled and encouraged that, but at the same time, I want to say that I don't accept what he is doing.

Our sitch is that he has admitted to a largely emotional affair with the OW that has been taking place only a few months, that in the past 3 weeks or so became more intense in that there were 3 kisses shared. He admits to having spent time with her essentially at happy hour or in passing at work. He says he has not ever been around her alone entirely or taken her anywhere, that always others were around, but that they were engaged in "deep conversation." I don't think he is holding back from these admissions (I could be wrong) because he seemed to want to "shock me" into throwing him out because that would be "easier" on him rather than him having to decide to leave on his own. He says now post-leaving that what has really "screwed with his head" is that I didn't react in hate and tell him it was over, but that I forgave what had happened so far and said that I felt that if he would walk away from her now and commit to working on things with us, that I could accept what he did. I also said "I might be able to accept the kisses/emotional connection and get over it, but I do not know that I'd be able to accept any more than that."

So as I see it that fits most the Ghandi method. I feel like the weird part here is that he has moved out BEFORE it got to a sexual affair, but he says he did that out of respect for me in that he didn't want to carry that out while he was living with me. I don't think he is asking for me to accept him fooling around and not break it off with him. He knows that that may very well be a deal-breaker.

I received an email from him a short time ago in which he says the following: that he has not met her since he left (2 days ago) but he has spoken to her by phone. That he is deeply sorry. That he wants to be my hero but he doesn't know that he can be that kind of man anymore. That he and she must both be "crazy" because they have both separated from committed relationships (my marriage 23 years and her live-in BF 7 years in a shared house) for something that "isn't about sex." He made the comment that if this was "just about sex" they could've probably given in to that and just gone on and only felt guilt and kept their sign. others in the dark. Therefore they would not have "destroyed" our lives to this degree. He also said that he wanted to have a "serious conversation" with me and that he felt that it was wrong to dump the house and yardwork respons. on me and that he wanted to continue to take care of those things for me as well as financial concerns.

What I don't get about this is why is he trying to take care of the house/yard? I think if he is going to end this, I have to deal with this on my own (and frankly the other time we separated, for the first month I did so until we began to reconcile). He seems very sorry in his note but also says he is crazy and afraid he can't ever overcome it. He says he doesn't understand why the two of them did this.

The only reason he could come up with for why he "fell" into this trap was that he felt he came back too early after the first separation and that we were not healed. This is true. I agree. And that as a result of our trust issues, we did not have an emotional connection. This made him so sad, that he felt that we couldn't get it back and it was over. So he said as he thought this that she came along (she is very much like me in many ways although about 15 years younger) and she seemed to connect with him in a new way that he had lost with me. As a result, he is smitten, and obsessed, and he cannot help himself.

Any thoughts?