Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

So now my son has asked the right questions (why didn't you go with dad, why does dad sleep on the couch) - I told him that I love his dad more than anything - but that right now dad isn't very happy with things in his life. That dad is feeling like many parts of his life are failures and that I am associated with many of those parts. I told him that I love and respect his dad and feel like I need to give his dad the space to figure things out for himself.
Is that the right thing to do?

[cat04]

I,

Our kids, they see things, know things, that we would like to hide from them. My S is almost the same age as yours. He is actually the one who thought MLC first.

Your answer to him was a good one. He may have more questions, questions that you really don't have the answers to right now, because you really don't know what is going to happen.

What is important to remember is to make sure that he understands that this is not because of him and that you are always going to be there and you love him.

I am sorry that you had to answer those questions but we can't hide things from them forever. When they are closer to adult hood, it is even harder. The less of the gory details that you reveal to any of your kids or friends and family, the better. While you might get angry enough to want to shout to the world what H has done, in the long run, it isn't something that you really want to do.

As far as the trying to smooth things over with your H and S and H getting mad...

That was actually you trying to control the situation. I am not saying that was your intention, but it was definately how your H saw it.

Unless it is getting to the point of abusive conversation or behavior, you MUST allow them to have their own relationship, almost like you don't exist when they are interacting.

Learn to recognize these behaviors in yourself. This is what we mean by looking in the mirror. As you can step outside and SEE what it looks like from another perspective, you may be surprised how it looks.

Please take some time to read about MLC. You may have to read and reread, until it really starts to make sense. It will help you.

Yes, I have seen odd money things, odd laundry things, my H started washing his own laundry, making his own dinner, but for almost a year and a half, he didn't even think to offer anything to his S food, even if I was not home, he has washed two loads of towels, and one load of S's laundry. They learn to be very alone in their heads.

I want to ask, your name, is that because you are from Ireland, or are you just of Irish decent? If you are in Ireland, I may have someone you can get in touch with, a wonderful woman, who used to post here.

[irishblessings]

Cat -
You are so right about my trying to control and make everything alright. I definitely need to add that to my list of "watch its":)
H didn't come home last night - hasn't called, texted, etc. We are supposed to play the "role model parents" today at baseball tournament. I've gotten the car loaded, food cooked - he emails the other parents telling them what I will do and such / putting on a show. Today, I will go peacefully - just smile and be quiet.
I'm ready to leave and assume he will be there. You never know.
Thanks for your insight!
The Irish thing - descent / I am just a LB Southern S:) One of many I am finding out!

[irishblessings]

Very strange weekend. For the very first time in over 28 years together - H goes away and makes NO contact with me. I see him at S's ball game and he says "Hey - everyone at the wedding said to say hi to you. You really should have gone." I said that after our interaction Friday morning I didn't think that I could keep it together and fake it through the event. I then apologized to him for upsetting him or disrespecting him by interrupting his conversation with S. I said that I could see how he thought what he did. He said thanks. Kept respectable distance through out day at S's games.
At home, told H that S had asked about what was going on - I told him how I answered him and he seemed to think that I handled it appropriately. H says so where are we? I said that things S said to me - like how great we have it, how we all get along, etc. keep me wondering where things went wrong. I said that I know he feels that he would like the opportunity to find out if there is a better match out there for him - but he would have to choose to make it work with someone new. That I wish he would choose to make it work with me. He said so is the ball in my court now? He said that he didn't plan on telling the kids this week that he was leaving. He said "You are the one who said you can't live with the poison any longer." I said that in all the years we have been together I can NEVER remember a time where I have been treated with such hostility, disgust, etc. for so long. I said that this time has been so difficult because it feels so counterproductive and that we have always been the "do anything to make things better" parents, friends, workers, etc. - and that I didn't feel like we were operating that way right now. S arrived home - conversation ended. This morning he and S went to bb games - me home alone and LOVING it.
So LBS friends - did I handle this correctly? Am I "standing"? Am I engaging in the craziness? Part of me feels like by me not going to the wedding and not contacting him I "detached" myself from his behaviors. In the past I would have been overwrought and desperately trying to make contact with him. This man though is not the same man from those times.
If anyone has time to read my lengthy post (sorry for being longwinded!) - would love your thoughts!

[punkin]

I don't think anyone can say what is correct and what is not. None of us were there, and, as hard as we try, our emotions tend to end up on the end of our tongues. But, it doesn't seem you ended up in a fight, and that is good. To me, it seems if your husband really wanted to get out of the house, he'd already be gone.

Detaching is tough when you love a person and have been together so long. Not backsliding is even tougher. I'm strong throughout the week, and a total wimp on weekends.

If you feel good about the conversation, then you probably handled it well.

[job]

Irish,
I think it's time to step back now and allow him the opportunity to think about this conversation. You've provided him with plenty to think about. You've stated your views and he knows how you feel.

You are the only one that can determine as to whether you are standing or not. From your conversation, I would venture to say that you are not buying into his irrational behavior, but I wouldn't have any more conversations w/him about it.

Give this man plenty of time and space. The more he has, the more he'll choke on it and come to realize that he needs to work on himself. It's not easy and you cannot convince him that you are the one he wants to be with or where he should be at this time. Just remember, the more you try to convince him, the more he is apt to run in the opposite direction.

Enjoy your time alone today. Sometimes we need it to just clear our heads.

[glamgirl]

If at all possible IB you don't want to have any R conversations with your h. I would try to be nice and friendly, but that you are busy having a life.

You want to have him wondering why did he want to leave you again. Snodderly is so right, he needs his time and space to think and process this whole journey.

Get busy making plans for youself and with D and S too. You and your kids need to be your focus now.

[irishblessings]

Stumbled upon evidence of weekend engagement into phone chat rooms again. Boundary set / gave him two choices of what he would say to son.
Told him that when he returned from game he would need to pack and be gone - told him he could tell son that his parents needed him to stay with them (they have been ill) or he could tell son the truth.
Told him that I believed with all my heart that he was ill and that if he wanted to get the help that our MC had suggested, I would be here for him and stand by him through that help.
I stayed strong through the conversation - broke down after I hung up from him. But now believe it is the right thing to do. I am so sad!

[dl443322]

Sweetie, first of all, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you.

I think you did wonderfully. You set a clear boundary (one I think you absolutely needed to set) in a calm voice. You said exactly what you needed to say.

Now you have to be sure to continute to be strong and not let him cross it.

I dont have any experience dealing with the sorts of things you have been dealing with, but, the same stuff applies for you.

Be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself. Be there for your son and continue on this journey.

I know that you will be ok. I do. You are a wonderful, strong woman filled with love.

So, there will be days of tremendous pain, but, there will be days of peace, too. It is on these days that you will begin to see that you have begun to let your h go with love. It is on these days that you will see your strength and find your center. It is on these days that you will know that you will be ok, no matter what.

Your happiness matters, sweetie. You will begin to grow in ways you never thought possible.

So, rest, eat, pray. Fill your days. Find one thing that makes you happy and do it. Think about something you always wanted to try. Then one day at a time, you will be walking towards peace.

[job]

Irish,
Been right where you were today. You've implemented boundaries, now you will need to follow through w/them. Do not waffle or they will mean nothing to him. You will need to learn now not to react to his bad/childish behavior. This will come in time. Always try to speak to him in a very calm voice. They hear more in a calm voice than a crying, clingy one.

Now, it is time to turn your attention to your family and to yourself. It's time to pamper you for a change. Brooklyn has given you excellent advice. Listen to her.