Re-Connecting

[futureunknown]

I'm a little to the right of most on the "cynical" scale, but my advice at this stage would be to let her SEE "that fun guy," but let her see it (and hear from others about it) in your interactions with OTHERS -- your son, friends, family. Harmless flirting and being TOTALLY CHARMING with other women never hurts, either.

Absolutely!

[Fightingforher]

I will certainly try to resort to that during these tough times. I'm starting to see a different side of her. She has been asking me if "I hate her". I simply reply we need to be civil during all of this and friends for our son.

She doesn't seem to have much of a response after I say that. I'm not sure what she is wanting me to say, or how I should react to those types of questions.

[Fightingforher]

I took my son to the local fair last night, he went on rides and we won some prizes. We really had a great time!!!

This morning my W and I were talking and she mentioned that she has noticed a real change in me. She was curious why I seemed so happy about all of this. I explained to her that I've listened to everything she has said but she asked for the D. I've embraced it and now I need to move forward and work on myself.

The therapy really seems to help, even though I'm doing most of the talking it's nice to get it all out there and not be judged.

My W started crying and started venting about her concerns. She is worried about living by herself, affording a new place, work, etc...... I looked at her and smiled and said you should really sit down and come up with a plan. I told her that I've been working on a plan for me and it will be hard but I'll be ok.

She then started asking me some probing questions that really caught me off guard. She asked if I thought about ever getting re-married, I didn't know how to respond. I told her that it's too early for me to start thinking about a new R but I wouldn't rule it out. She seemed very depressed but she got ready and went to work.

I'm not sure what re-assurance she is looking for out of me. I'm very vague now when it comes to our conversations. I keep them very simple and as fun as I can.

[Fightingforher]

Well, I got the D petition notarized today. My W has been talking about how we should split up the stuff in the home. I really thought that once she saw that I was moving forward it would trigger something in her.

I guess I need to start preparing for the worst. She got upset again and started weeping once we talked about selling the house and getting new places for both of us. I think she's just upset that she won't have the financial stability anymore.

Not sure how to act towards her feelings, I just tell her that everything will work out.
I didn't get any feedback on my previous post. I wasn't sure why she was probing me about my future, any thoughts on what that means????

[TimeHeals]

I think she's just upset that she won't have the financial stability anymore.

Maybe, but you can't read her mind no matter how hard you try.

The truth is you don't know what she is feeling, and there's a good chance it changes from moment to moment, so who knows if she even has a handle on it?

The financial stablility is one thing to mourn however. If she were desperate to save the marriage, that would be obvious.

Not sure how to act towards her feelings

Listen and validate. Don't tell her everything is going to work out. Just listen.

As long as she isn't attacking you, of course.

[Fightingforher]

Well, I took some advice that I had gotten a week ago in this forum to try and give my W a kiss. We had some friends over and we were having some drinks in the pool and my W and I were flirting a bit. We started goofing around and she jumped on me, I went for it and gave her a kiss. She didn't seem completely grossed out by it but she wasn't all that responsive.

After our friends left I apologized for kissing her and i hope it didn't make her feel awkward. She said it was ok and not to worry about it. She then asked me if i was going out tonight. I didn't have any plans so she decided to go out. I'm not sure what she is doing but the past 3 nights she has gone out with "friends".

I then may have taken a few steps backwards tonight but I'll need some sound advice from you guys out there.

I mentioned dating to her and if she was to start dating to just let me know so I don't hear it through the grape vine. The 1st reason I asked is because I'm just not sure where she is at mentally right now. The 2nd reason is none of my friends know about our situation. I would hate to hear from them that they saw her out on a date.

She got upset and said that is the last thing on her mind. She asked if i was considering dating. I mentioned to her that I've been getting some attention from other women and it feels nice but I haven't acted on anything because I wasn't what we were doing.

It's been almost 3 months since we have been intimate and there are no signs of reconciliation. I'm not sure what to do, Is it time to start dating? Does that help me get my confidence back? Will it impact any chances for us to reconcile. The other issue is we still live with each other due to our financial obligation to our home.

Any advice would be welcomed...

[TimeHeals]

Dating?

Ask yourself what kind of person you are. If M means something to you, and you are a person of high integrity and not needy, then the time to start dating is after your divorce is final.

I can't believe you guys are talking about dating and you are apologizing for kissing her. Shaking my head.

[bel44]

i, personally think it depends on if you have the papers filed. that change dthings for me. once i got served by my estranged husband i felt perfectly justified in dating. before that, not at all, even though he did. that might be shitty of me, but it's how i feel.

[bel44]

i, personally think it depends on if you have the papers filed. that change dthings for me. once i got served by my estranged husband i felt perfectly justified in dating. before that, not at all, even though he did. that might be shitty of me, but it's how i feel.

[Fightingforher]

In a sense I guess I was testing the waters to see where she stood on this. I think it was my own insecurities kicking in that she may be seeing someone else.

Now that I've been working on myself and seeing the therapist. I've noticed a huge changed in myself. I get excited about having a R, I hope and pray that it's with my W but if it's not meant to be I look forward to another R someday.

I want to work on my marriage but i'm not seeing any signs from her after 3 months of ups/downs. The petition is ready to go and I'll mail it out on Monday. She hasn't said a word about the paperwork. I'll just proceed and see where it takes me.