I guess I don't undertand how he was using or abusin me. He wasn't being blatantly meant to me and I certainly don't think I was trying to interact. He left to feed my parking meter at one point and on several occasions tried to do VERY small talk "I just talked to so and so" and I would just respond with "Oh, that's nice".
you guys are all right. Im just not to a place emotionally where I can confront him (about new info) or file. I am getting there but I'm not there yet although I'm sure from the outside you would wonder why.
I'm glad everyone thinks I did a good job! I tried so hard although I'm sure at times it may have been apparent to WH how uncomfortable I was.
I agree that now I can let people know about seperation but honestly the wedding was not the place. It was awkward and I think he could have handleed reponses differently but I think it would have been even MORE akward to tell people and make the bride & groom uncomfortable. I tried to just remember it was their special day.
You guys are so great. I don't know what I would do without this place!
I understand about not wanting to upset the bride and groom so you didn't want to let on about the truth of your sitch, but did he do anything YOU wanted?
Ok, maybe he didn't use you the ENTIRE night, but here are the parts that stood out to me-you sounded like you didn't want to do these things but did them anyway:
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Today, as I was leaving my house. WH called and asked me to bring his ring. I was actually really annoyed with this but just brough it because I didn't want to fight.
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When WH got there (we drove seperately) he called me and told me to meet him outside place so we coudl walk in together. I was kind of irritated with this whole idea but in a way thought it was a good idea because I didn't want to damper the bride and groom's day and make it more akward.
he was rude to you here:
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Anyway, as he approached me I was smiling, he was not. He barely looked at me and just said "did you find a good parking spot" and "can I please have my ring".
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We sit down for the ceremony and don't talk the ENTIRE time.
This part was good on your end:
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After ceremony was cocktails which we kind of stood together for a mingled. I made a point not to ask him what he was doing or follow him. If I wanted to do something (get a drink, go ot the bathroom, go to new conversation with someone else) I just did it and didn't say anything to him. He kept telling me everything he was doing like "Ok, I'm going to go to the bathroom now" and I kept thinking, why are you telling me, we aren't a couple anymore.
He was just acting/using you- you did a good job answering the q's:
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He kept acting like everything was normal, like "Oh yeah, our dog is such a handful". "We really love our house". For some reason this pissed me off - I felt like he could have answered the questions without using "we" and "us". That is what I tried to do - when people asked us when we were goign to have kids I would just say "I hope that I have a chid someday"
He was rude:
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There was almost no conversation the entire night
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It was really awkward - he kept looking at his phone and all I could think about what how he was probably emailing some hooker.
you were just going along with what he wanted again:
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Then towards the end of the night he said "when are you going to leave" and I said "I dont know but you can leave whenever you want". I just didnt understand why we were having to put up such a chearade when know one was really paying attention.
Finally I was ready to leave so I told him I was ready to go (since he made it seem like he wanted to leave at the same time) and he said "hold on, I'm going to smoke a cigarette with xxx first". I think I probably acted a little annoyed and said "ok" Two minutes later he came back and said "nevermind, you can just leave if you want"
this is good on your end:
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So I gathered my things and walked out the front door where WH and friend were smoking and stood there for a second thinking he might still want to do his "plan". And he just said, "are you going to your car?" and I said "yeah, okay bye!"
You knew he didn't treat you with respect:
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I think in my mind he would have made more of an effort to make me feel comfortable or something.
You did a great job keeping it together and trying to have fun regardless of your H, though!
Last edited by newmama; 06/13/1002:09 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I agree with Newmama. But, now you have to leave the "wedding event" behind you. It's a new day, and you need to look to the future. What do you envision for yourself in 6 months time? What will your life look like (what you hope it will look like)?
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hi guys! You are right...I did my best at the wedding and there are places for improvement but overall I am proud of myself and how I conducted myself given the circumstances.
Today I went to a birthday party for a friend's daughter. There were many people there that were more WH than my friends (they are still my friends too but MORE his then mine). I was happy the whole time, smiling. I'm not sure who know or who doesn't know out of that bunch and WH did not come up in convo so I did not mention seperation and kept focus on me. If someone had asked "How is WH?" I would have then told about seperation but it just would have seemed awkard (at least to me) if I had just announced it.
Every day gets a little better and better. In 6 months I want to be happy, health and continuing to work on myself. That's what I'm trying to get out of this is improving myself and learning and growing and coming out on top!
So.... I have confirmed my suspicions again that WH was visiting a different prostitute on Saturday (after wedding). I was able to access the phone logs today and then searched craigslist and found the woman.
I guess I just don't know what to do at this point. I obviously don't want to get divorced but I could never be married to who he is now - thats not the man I know. I am not emotionally ready to file for divorce (even though I could because he is committing adultery). Secondly, as bad as this sounds if I stick it out the next 11 months he will continue to pay his portion of house/bills so I will still be able to live here. If he files after a year I could always counter file with adultery and try to get some alimony but its not guaranteed that will happen and even if I do I'm not sure it would be enough for me to continue to live in this house.
Also, I had a question. I see a lot of people on here talking about dating/sex. I know "techincally" what husband is doing is cheating but since we are seperated is it fair that I would call him out on that:? I'm just trying to figure out if I'm overreacting or what.
Technically, you are still married, so I would say that any sexual activity is cheating. But whether there is a legal component to it, I don't know.
Sometimes, a person has to lose everyone/everything before they realise they have an addiction. Perhaps your withdrawing completely from him will start that process, and you can have the space to think clearly.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Seems too soft of a word. There are a lot of marriage sins, and isn't it the case that these days I and "we" minimize many of them when we do them into words that aren't representative of the commitment of marriage.
If it is an addiction, hitting rock bottom doesn't need to take place. I think someone posted the idea of alanon. Maybe try that right away.
As far as he knows I have withdrawn completely from him: I don't contact him, email him, etc. I don't ask his friends about him. At the wedding I acted "as if". I'm assuming you mean on my end stop worrying about what he is doing, etc and dettach that way. I'm working on it! It's so hard as you can imagine.
A lot of the things I'm doing with checking cell phone, etc is to keep for my records depending on what happens down the line as I may need to use that for evidence during the divorce.
What I meant in terms of legally - is that I know that in the eyes of the law he is being "adulterous" in terms of the legal definition and I could file for divorce based on adultery. I was talking about if he had the "right" to date and sleep with other people since we were seperated.
I do believe he has an addiction. I am doing telemeeting with a group called COSA (co-dependents of sex addicts).
I just started about 1.5 weeks ago. It is helping but it is a slow process. The whole basis is basically that you are powerless over addiction and that you can't control other people and that it's not your fault.
It has been helpful but it is still painful. I'm working through it day by day.
