embracing change

[flowmom]

Hello thread...I missed you. So friends, it has been a very busy week with many hours put in working in the field. Sometimes fun, sometimes wet and boring. But nice to be earning money.

Smart Sister's marriage issues continue to be a trigger for me. It's kind of horrifying. I hope they work it out. I got to talk to BIL's best friend about it so I hope that opens the door to them having a marriage conversation that isn't totally superficial at some point.

I'm super aware of my insecurities in almost every area of my life lately. I am realizing what a huge, annoying liability is it to not be able to tackle life with confidence. Trying to understand what being confident AND authentic would look like for me.

Appearance is a big preoccupation lately too. After years of being a touch overweight and frankly often frumpy, I'm slimmer and putting more effort into looking good. What I'm finding, though, is that it becomes a "thing"...and I'm not sure if I like it. It's not like I am dressing inappropriately or anything, but it's weird to deal with frequent comments about my appearance, and even changes in how people who I've known for years interact with me.

A married exlover from 20 years ago (who I've barely seen since then) recently sent me this message:

<<I've been meaning to thank you for coming out to hear my guitar concerto. It was really great to see you. I was going to write to you the very next day, but I would have gushed too much about how good you looked (and smelled, by the way: great perfume!). I'm glad to have had a chance to reconnect, however brief. Suddenly it felt like very little time had passed, though it is half a lifetime. It would be nice to sit down over a meal some day and just yak about life. There was that [jazz club] offer that I must honour! Take care.>>

Sigh. In some ways it feels simpler to hide under the cloak of middle-aged mommy invisibility. OTOH, even though I'm average looking, the "old me" used to like to express myself in how I look...and I find that that is still part of me.

Confused about men too. I am still very attracted to H even though I continue to have no hope about our M. I'm finding myself wanting to have flirtation in my life...yet I'm hating the idea of dating or being involved with any kind of courtship rituals .

I guess a lot of this is the cliche of the LBS journey...and I hate to be a cliche .

Tomorrow will be interesting. Planning to spend the day with children and MIL and FIL. I want to walk a line of being authentic with them, but not too transparent/vulnerable. I feel bad for them because I know how helpless they probably feel watching this happen to our family.

Right now I feel totally unable to take in any information about H being in a R. I haven't looked at his FB in ages and I studiously avoid gathering any intel.

I'm starting to have disappointment in myself that I have tolerated being married to someone who doesn't love, respect or even like me for so long. Yes it was tough with the kids being involved...but I wonder if a greater commitment to my own wellbeing might have pushed me to take action at a point when it might have made a difference in my M...or at least I could have shown some commitment to MYSELF when H's commitment to me was waning.

I'll be honest. It's hard for me to come here and read about beautiful, caring people who want to reconcile with spouses who don't deserve a second (or third or fourth, etc.) chance. Although I still like and love my H, I'm not sure if I'd be willing to overcome my hurt and rejection if it wasn't for the kids. I'm not sure how much of a DBer I consider myself at this point. I'm so grateful for this forum though...and I think about you folks even when I am not posting.