I usually reccomend a separate exposure scirpt for each audience type :
1. Your Husband 2. Your family 3. His family 4. Mutual Friends 5. OW
etc
They will all be similar (save maybe 5), but they will be different... explain in the scirpt what's being done to your home and family, what you want to see changed, and how they can help... mention all three
Now, on to something I really do not know how to determine and would like some help with.
H and I had another talk last night about his choices and destroying our family. I'm afraid I made it too much about family vs. OW, but when I realized it, I tried to move away from that and stick to what we could do together to rebuild and save the family vs. destroying the family. I can see H's speech becoming more and more open instead of absolute no.. but I'm afraid I'm pushing too hard and I'm taking one step forward and 10 back.
Here's my question, but bare with me, I'm going to make an obscure movie reference to get my point across.
I was thinking about a fav movie of mine called Labyrinth. Great 80s flick if you've never seen it.. but this girl named Sarah has to navigate a wonderous labyrinth that seems to change constantly on her. Nothing is what it appears to be. In one scene, a character from the labyrinth named Hoggle is helping her through the underground tunnels. The rocks begin to talk and say "go back, this is not the way, this way leads to certain doom." Hoggle says "pay no attention, they are there to mislead anyone on the right path."
I keep thinking how this relates to my H telling me I'm pushing him away by speaking the truth about his actions. But at what point, does he begin to speak the truth, and I should listen? At what point do I need to realize I'm using a jack hammer to do a job that only requires a chisel?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
keep thinking how this relates to my H telling me I'm pushing him away by speaking the truth about his actions. But at what point, does he begin to speak the truth, and I should listen? At what point do I need to realize I'm using a jack hammer to do a job that only requires a chisel?
If you have to live in a M where you must maintain a lie about your spouses actions, would you really want that M?
Look at it this way. If he doesn't want the truth known, then he shouldn't be doing what he is doing. It is not your job to keep secrets for him.
It's the cheaters, "Be good and keep my dirty secret, and if this doesn't work out, I will be back because I know if this happens again you will keep my affairs secret".
If that's how you want to live your life, fine.
Now, I do not think exposure should be done out of spite or retribution. I think you should decide who it's safe to expose these things to. The point is not to lash out or hurt your spouse. The point is to get the truth out to folks who can support you and who might support your M by opposing the affair.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/14/1011:45 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
keep thinking how this relates to my H telling me I'm pushing him away by speaking the truth about his actions. But at what point, does he begin to speak the truth, and I should listen? At what point do I need to realize I'm using a jack hammer to do a job that only requires a chisel?
If you have to live in a M where you must maintain a lie about your spouses actions, would you really want that M?
Look at it this way. If he doesn't want the truth known, then he shouldn't be doing what he is doing. It is not your job to keep secrets for him.
It's the cheaters, "Be good and keep my dirty secret, and if this doesn't work out, I will be back because I know if this happens again you will keep my affairs secret".
If that's how you want to live your life, fine.
I agree with that. I guess I'm still thinking in terms of "I don't want to lose him" rather than in terms of "this is what has to happen for me to want to be with him". If he can't handle the truth ('nother movie reference, I know ), then I need to find somebody who can. Right?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
He's just humiliated and whining.. you DO realize he's gonig to whine when you expose him right?
he's going to lie and manipulate and make every excuse he can dream up as to why you should enable his destructive behaviour.. you GET that right?
You realise this is an addict you're dealing with right?
If he isn't willing to share it with the public like he would a romantic relationship then its WRONG and he needs to KNOCK it off...
Romantic relationships are done IN PUBLIC, they meet friends, meet family, get engaged, have weddings, invite friends over for dinner, etc...
This is because households and families are the building blocks of a community.. NOT invididuals sneaking around and lying... THAT does not build community... It DESTROYS it...
He's just trying to manipulate you...
You need to trust yourself and the procss here.. He's lying, you call him on it and expose it... If he's worth keeping he willl eventually OWN IT and REBUILD the marriage and repair the damage...
Keep up the exposure... If he's complaining and upset and you aren't, YOU are doing something RIGHT
[quote=elvencat I guess I'm still thinking in terms of "I don't want to lose him" rather than in terms of "this is what has to happen for me to want to be with him". If he can't handle the truth ('nother movie reference, I know ), then I need to find somebody who can. Right? [/quote]
You got it.. write it on a recipie card if you have to...
this is NOT about holding ONTO the old lying cheating weasel.. he's out the door...
this is about him findign the new honest, committed, adult... he's IN the door
Elvencat look at Eeyore's thread.. just read his post today for his summary.. he can see how this is done... E is showing really well how to detach... he's doing a wonderful job and shows you how to do it right...
Elvencat look at Eeyore's thread.. just read his post today for his summary.. he can see how this is done... E is showing really well how to detach... he's doing a wonderful job and shows you how to do it right...
Give it a read
Read his most recent post and was impressed. I know I have a lot of self-doubt that I need to get rid of. I feel what I'm doing is working. I need to continue on and ignore his dire warnings and watch for actions, not words.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Yup... that's what ee's doin... he's scared crapless, but he's DOING the WORK ANYWAY.. he's calling each time she challenges him... its a poker game EC... You need GUTS to win...
HE was terrified earlier too, but we worked with hiim and NOW look at him go! He's got his WIFE asking HIM for sex! lol
