If your W has a high ANA count she should really consider seeing a rheumatologist. There are thousands of autoimmune diseases that cause chronic fatigue. I have SLE (systemic lupus) and I take a cocktail of drugs that are most commonly used to fight malaria. It alters the pH of my cells but I still feel the symptoms (massive fatigue, joint pain and blah blah blah). Essentially my cocktail is designed to block the overproduction of autoimmune antibodies. AI diseases are hell. The symptoms mimic so many other things and living with chronic pain is NOT easy. Not to mention the vulnerable state one's organs are always in. In my case my kidneys are "attacked".
CFS is an actual disease. I don't have it so I am not familiar with the particular treatment.
CG, W has terrible work hours 4am-1230pm, she gets up 2am every work day. W has admitted she is "borderline depressed" but won't get help. W has chronic neck/head pains due to nerve damage in the shoulder/neck area so W things sleep is the best solution. In addition to the above she also has chronic fatigue in general. W and I spoke today about her going and getting blood work.
W and I had a descent day. We went to the art festival and spent nearly 3 hours walking and looking around. After we went and watched a football game then went back home.
We had some good conversations. There W times I called W out on her attitude but I think I did not effectively communicate with her when I did. I think I am overacting to somethings and taking too much offense to others. I need help. I am making things worse start near arguments. Anyone have any book suggestions?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Those work hours do sound tough but at the end of the day she is only working eight hours per day which is what most people work.
The nerve issues sound painful but there are so many treatments available for things of that nature. What treatments does she get now?
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome *is* an autoimmune disease but one I am not very familiar with. Blood work is a good idea but depression can be linked to many things. People who suffer with chronic pain or fatigue often are depressed because it is a very, very hard way to live. But your W should be able to manage it all much better than she is if she has the proper medical team. I hope she can find some help.
I think the main problem is your W does not respect you. IMO the two of you spend way too much time together and it isn't helping at all. You have not shown her what it will look like if you are not around, if you detach and what life would be like without you in it. There are ways to do this without hate or arguments. Have you read the DB'ing books?
His Needs Her Needs is pretty good. The examples are pretty silly but maybe they are silly to make obvious points. Honestly, until your W respects you and starts to realize if she doesn't change her attitude and outlook on life you won't be around I don't think much will change.
Start going out as much as possible without her. Start doing less around the house for her and NO MORE PURSUIT. All this time together is really not allowing you to grow and learn as an individual.
You worry your W will find somebody else to do stuff for her? Honestly, a borderline depressed woman who hasn't really explored options to treat her depression and fatigue is A LOT of work. She has already been signaled out at work for inappropriate behavior so that should not longer be an issue if her boss is smart. You are tracking the computer so you will be aware of what is going on. What do you have to lose? You either get your W's attention or you make a better life for you.
Until the dynamic changes and the two of you spend far less time together until you have a better handle on the basics she is always going to find some reason to be upset with you.
The Five Languages of Love is also a very good book.
June started a thread in Newcomers with a long book list and I think there is also a link to that thread in the sticky section at the top of Newcomers.
There is a book (look in the Surviving the Big D section) that many forum members rave about but the name is escaping me.
I haven't read His Needs Her Needs or the 5 Languages of Love for a while so I might be mixing up the book with the silly examples. Both are decent reads though.
The Art of Seduction is good and might help you understand how to be more sensual with your W and how to reach her in a new way.
W has gone to neurosurgeon and they sent her back to primary physician saying "nothing we can do." W has app. setup in July. W called off work again today, W said she is calling Dr. tomorrow to get app. for blood work.
My sitch has gone on since 01/24/10. When this all began and for the first few months my W would not so anything with me so it was a lot of GAL and doing things we normally did together alone. In the past month W actually wants to do things with me.
I read 5LL, DR, co-dependent no more (not all the way through yet) and I have other books that were recommended for the point where/if we do start to reconcile. I just started to read a couple books on body language.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
A neuroSURGEON would deal with surgery, no? There are many other kinds of dr's who specialize in pain management. You said your W's nerve issues stem from trauma (herniated disk). Anti seizure medications have a good history of helping with nerve pain when surgery is not a good option. Acupuncture is also very helpful (and I would have never believed it until I tried it. I have severe neuropathy from my lupus). I didn't hear you mention physical therapy (something I have also had good luck with). There are many options to explore.
I suffered for a LONG time thinking this is simply what I would have to tolerate. While she might always have to tolerate some level of chronic pain for fatigue there are ways to treat it for temporary relief and better management of the rest.
I understand your W didn't want to spend time with you before but I guess only you can evaluate what is better... quantity or quality? While you might be spending time together it seems much of the time is filled with snotty remarks, you have to ask her to speak normally and the two of you nipping back and forth at each other. It seems that the two of you are falling right back in old patterns. Quality is always better than quantity IMO.
The herniated disc in her back are separate from the nerve damage in her upper back/shoulder/neck area. herniated disc were caused by a fall she had when she was 17. The latter is something that just recently developed.
You are right quality is better than quantity. The past week and more so in the past couple days the snottiness has been at an all time low. W is starting to use sounds to communicate less and less. My issue has been getting an inch and wanting to take it a mile. I am expecting to much in such little time that I am getting offended too easily. The result is me becoming short myself where W detects my frustration and calls me out on it.
What we exhibit now verse how it was in the past is a world difference IMO. We always had a hard time doing things with each other it always started out with me finding something wrong with her or with what she was doing and nitpicking but now it a lot healthier than it use to be and with the assistance of all you on this forum and books and IC (hopefully soon) it will get healthier.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
