"I am sorry you feel that way" - I said that twice last night, and she said "STOP saying that".
Just keep saying those statements. They work. Review the list. Understand why they work. Add to it. Speak the truth. DO NOT FIGHT BACK......
Quote:
It really is as if an alien took her over. She has kept saying over the weeks [i]"I always put you first, and now for the first time I am going to put me first and do what I need to be happy".
My response would be:"I can understand why you would feel that way. I want you to be happy also."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
"I don't want a divorce. I made a commitment to my marriage for better or worse and this is the worse... I am going to family therapy, I am being an adult and a husband..."
I took a peek at her texts last night and she messaged:
"He talked about 'for better or for worse. hahahaha!'"
Her friend replied: "OMG that's funny. You cannot reason with INSANITY. hahaha"
I am so getting the dynamic right now. She texted a friend to make herself feel better, and get the support she needed in feeling the way she does.
I completely ignored her today except for a text of when she would be home to let out the dogs.
I did 6 hours of yardwork and housework, just to make MY HOUSE look nicer. I might only have this house for 4 more months, so I should enjoy a beautiful house and make it more inviting.
She is leaving for business tomorrow, and I don't plan on calling her, so I won't physically speak to her for about 8 more days.
And next week when she is home, my 180 gets REALLY in gear, as I am pouring a new concrete step, and have plans almost every night of the week to do something.
One day at a time I guess...
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
"I don't want a divorce. I made a commitment to my marriage for better or worse and this is the worse... I am going to family therapy, I am being an adult and a husband..."
I took a peek at her texts last night and she messaged:
"He talked about 'for better or for worse. hahahaha!'"
Her friend replied: "OMG that's funny. You cannot reason with INSANITY. hahaha"
RIGHT, you cannot reason with THEM because they represent insanity. Its funny how these friends will support anything they do, they get a whole charge out of the affair themself. Its like watching a fist fight and embelleshing in it, without having to have thrown a punch.
Originally Posted By: QuickSilver264
I am so getting the dynamic right now. She texted a friend to make herself feel better, and get the support she needed in feeling the way she does.
I completely ignored her today except for a text of when she would be home to let out the dogs.
I did 6 hours of yardwork and housework, just to make MY HOUSE look nicer. I might only have this house for 4 more months, so I should enjoy a beautiful house and make it more inviting.
She is leaving for business tomorrow, and I don't plan on calling her, so I won't physically speak to her for about 8 more days.
And next week when she is home, my 180 gets REALLY in gear, as I am pouring a new concrete step, and have plans almost every night of the week to do something.
One day at a time I guess...
[/quote]
Listen to Allen. You sound good and you sound detached.
I just realized you have a second thread and I posted to the older one...so here's my 2c if it helps
How about this Quick:
1. Get yourself looking your hottest 2. Whisper in her ear how you want to do A..B..C.. and record it 3. Lick her ear...tell her you'll be waiting for her to make the next move 4. Wait.
If she comes to you, she really wanted you in the first place. Have the best mindblowing sex you can.
Then, tell her you want her to end her online chats so the two of you can heat up your house (don't call them affairs because she probably doesn't see it as such).
Buy acting this way, your wife knows you won't live the next 20 years in blame. She knows you want to meet her needs in new ways. She knows she can tell you anything.
That is the sex 180.
Why do I suggest this approach? I've had probs with internet porn myself, and was referred as addicted to it. I've been careful to not get into chats, but I know how powerful it could've been if I did. The last thing you/she needs is to make this an attack just now.
If she doesn't respond. If she doesn't take any steps, maybe it is time for a sex counsellor.
Why treat the symptom (her usage) instead of the disease (something in her, not you, that is controlling your relationship right now...plus the devil!)
She really wants nothing to do with me. She is requesting as much travel time for business as possible, she goes and visits family often, she texts her friends all the time with things like "I'm so glad I am getting out", ect.
If I even mentioned sex, she would get REALLY mad.
Lately, she has been very happy, outgoing, and calm. I am in the process of LRT and doing 180s.
I have to let her see the consequences of her actions on her own. She is always asking for her "space" since we live in the same house while all this goes on.
Every day, she gets more and more detached from me. And I am trying to do the same, and focus on me.
But the thing is, we cross paths all the time in the house and I an now pretty much ignoring her. ONCE in a great while she asks me something, and I just aloofly answer. I show NO EMOTION AT ALL.
She perceives this as I am "crazy" or "acting out" (her words). She is expecting me to be friendly and interact maturely. She sees the beginning of this LRT as "flip flopping" and she texts her friends about it telling them I am "going off the deep end".
She seems to be (outwardly) enjoying this, because she thinks I am ignoring her because I am mad/hurt/angry, and it validates her decision to divorce a "crazy unstable" person.
She says her friends/family/co-workers are "amazing support" and they all want her to be happy and leave me if that will do it.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 06/13/1008:34 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
I just realized you have a second thread and I posted to the older one...so here's my 2c if it helps
How about this Quick:
1. Get yourself looking your hottest 2. Whisper in her ear how you want to do A..B..C.. and record it 3. Lick her ear...tell her you'll be waiting for her to make the next move 4. Wait.
Are you SERIOUS? Do you realize this is the INFIDELITY forum right? Not the sex starved marriage forum?
Did you READ this thread before you posted?
Have you been DRINKING?
Sorry, but this is the most ridiculous advice I have seen posted on this forum to date...
QS, you are doing well, your wife's just not sure how to read your behaviour so she's just calling it crazy...
Avoid arguments and conflict as much as you can.. your wife just wants reason to walk out now and if you fight with her its going to give her that reason... speak up for yourself if she's abusive, but avoid getting sucked into a baited argument...
Your wife's looking for support for her actions now... this is when a good exposure plan will counteract that effort... the more people that won't respond to her talking about divorce the more discouraging the idea will be...
Sorry - I just went through your last 3 days of pain (my post I reposted was last Wed)
Can I offer some modifications to think about (not to do blindly...only you know your sitch):
1. If she offers love and kindness, offer it back. Show her that her emotional needs can and will be met by a new kind of Silver if she returns and leaves the OM
2. Always give mystery. You are pulling her from a mysterious and exciting relationship that is full of words strangers are saying risk free. The suggestion I made can still be done, but maybe as a written offer. Something like, "These are things I have dreamt of doing but had been too nervous to try until I realized that you wanted more..." Or maybe text message her with it. YES, she will reply and joke about it. Have a thick skin. She will also be thinking about doing it. She can have you now. The other men are promises that may never occur.
3. Her family, from what you've heard, are against it. So it sounds like she is assuming a lot from general statements. By spying on her, you are getting yourself into some real emotional trouble. If we know exactly what is in someone's secrets, we can be much more hurt. That is why they are secrets. Look for the silver linings while you spy, such as when she said that she didn't want to hurt you.
4. 180,180,180. IF she is coming back, you cannot be the same man. She didn't like that man. My guess, you probably didn't like who you had become in all ways either. We get older, fatter, less romantic, less aware of hurting another, etc., etc. Find the areas you would want to change regardless of the relationship. When you blog 10-20x a day about the problem, it really seems like your self-esteem is in the dumps because of her sin. Detach from the sin & her current actions, not from her love that is buried and in jail. Use your love to understand and choose what to do rather than to smother her or get emotional. Easier said than done.
5. I don't know if you shouldn't be aware of what is going down by spying. Without kids, your only risk is really the relationship and splitting things up. You've proven what she's done. Leave it there. Detatch from the problem that is killing you. Maybe you are going crazy ~ that is what these kinds of things do! Kee the logging on, but commit to examining it once every few days. Be patient.
6. Don't worry if she gets mad. Greek commented on her H's 180s and said that at first, she was angry. (reading between lines, "why are you happy and becoming when I leave?") Instead, worry about making her mad. Why make another human angry if you can avoid it? Solve the problems you can, and then accept that how she responds will be a consequence of the solution, whether good or bad.
Only now am I starting to understand how my W interprets my porn use. I never did the chat thing or made any relationships, but I am only now accepting how she was hurt.
7. Think of yourself like a doctor. What would you need to do to help her CHOOSE her way out. No control. Just a choice. Say you cut off the internet, her phone, etc. She works...can't she just get a new phone or buy a new router? Maybe the online man would sugget Facebook on her cell. You can (and maybe should) do those things, but now that she's filed, what does she have to lose by moving out or by spending money on finding ways around the problem? Pushing her into actions that will not help will not help. Contacting the online men was a great and couragous step. If those men who professed love and sexuality with her are afraid to contact her, that gives you some time to win back her heart. Can you get them all? She needs you to help her find the medicine to return. Find out what needs you didn't meet and let her see that your actions are permanent. That her sin is going to make you a better man, with or without her. IF she chooses you, then look for limits and controls to help her when she feels controlled by the internet.
Anyways...read everything I read with caution. I'm no expert, and only you reap the rewards and consequences of everything you decided or decide to do in your troubled marriage.
