Just found out she already filed

[OldFool]

From someone who's been there, let me give you the most important advice you will hear. Get the best divorce attorney you can afford...now...and make sure he/she is a pit bull. Then put him/her on a leash. You don't want to turn the dogs loose yet, but you want them ready in the pen. Our legal system is an adversarial one (any lawyer will tell you that) and if you are not prepared to defend yourself with no holds barred, you're a sitting duck (because the other side will). Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about it. But it's how the game is played and there's nothing you can do about it.

Ask what you should do to protect yourself and put yourself in the best position for a divorce. I did not do this and wound up regretting it. But let me reiterate, at this point, this is for you and you alone. Get advice so you don't make stupid mistakes, but don't take any action with respect to the relationship. Don't say anything about the attorney, don't use the D word, don't let on that you are doing anything other than just carving out a life for yourself apart from her...just like she wants.

Perhaps I'll be proved wrong (that would be nice) and you'll all get through this and you can just dump the lawyer and forget the whole thing. But if not, you'll be ready when she claims custody, alimony, and child support. If she's unemployed, she's looking for a way to fund her new lifestyle, your D6 is looking like a fat check, and you're in the cross-hairs.

Like many folks, I thought we could be "civilized" about the D...everyone go their separate way and take what was theirs with them, but that went out the door when opposing counsel went for the jugular and left me with nothing while all the time I was telling my attorney "don't hurt her".

That doesn't mean your WAW will be as bad as my X, just that you should be prepared in the event she is. As they say, hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

My guess is she sees you as a sap who'll do anything. I'm no prognosticator, but I'd bet she files the D, then lets it drag on while she gets her life in order, all the while letting you go on "helping" her until either she tires of it, you quit doing it, or she no longer needs it, and then the hammer will drop. If someone asks her why you're helping her and if allowing it isn't kind of mean, her excuse will probably be, "He knows I'm divorcing him. If he wants to help me out, who am I to say 'No'? I'm not forcing him, you know."

Gird for battle. Yes, she's very polite...they always are, but her attorney will go after the family jewels (it's what they're trained for and why they're hired). My X said, "It's not personal, it's business" just before she cleaned me out. I don't recall that your STBXW was having a PA, but if she was, don't think it'll get you a break. Men generally feel guilty about having a PA and take less from the X to assuage it. Women often feel entitled to the PA and strip you clean anyway.

You're about to find out, first-hand, why I gave you that advice.

You seem to be forgetting that nothing...absolutely not one single syllable...she utters can be trusted at this point. You can negotiate a settlement, but only with the attorneys present and doing the negotiating. You fell for the sham "agreement" once before...shame on her. If you fall for it again, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Sure, spending money on attorneys is a total waste, but that's how she wanted to play the game. Now it's time that you stick to her rules. She wanted every man for himself? Fine, let the games begin. You seem to think that if you roll over, it'll be better. You're simply wrong. She and her attorney will go for everything the court will permit. What you do will have no effect on that. Of even greater importance is the fact that no one negotiates with a person who will roll over. In that kind of situation, you just demand more.

And don't get me started about the school. Sure, private school might be nice for the kid, but divorce is financially devastating and that's just the way it is. Time your STBXW gets a taste of that reality. Your D6 will be OK. The dirty little secret about education is that success is defined more by the parents and home than by the institution. My guess is your STBXW wants the prestige of a private school more than anything else. Stick to your guns. If she wants it so bad, your STBXW can pony up.

Someone mentioned about getting a second income. Talk with your attorney first. I've know guys who did, and the X came back later and took part of those earnings as well (meaning they were actually working harder just to make an even more comfortable life for the X).

You're headed into the thick of the storm now. Man-up, SR. You've just begun to see the ugliness inside your STBXW. I predict that within a month (maybe two) you'll be begging her to get away from you and stay away, just to stop the pain.