Find out of the family therapist will visit half way or something... That's your ace in the hole man right now is getting those close to your WIFE on SIDE with busting this divorce.. that video will do 95% of your persuading FOR YOU.. its a christmas present man... enjoy
During this phase of the relationship. Say very little. Listen, remember every word she says, and validate her. Hold eye contact if possible. When you speak, do it calmly without anger.
W says: Bla Bla Bla Bla.......
Here are good choices in how to respond:
"I am sorry you feel that way" "mmmmm" "I see" "It must be hard to feel that way" "I understand you feel that way" "I can see why you would think XZY" "I need to think about that"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
"I am sorry you feel that way" - I said that twice last night, and she said "STOP saying that".
It really is as if an alien took her over. She has kept saying over the weeks "I always put you first, and now for the first time I am going to put me first and do what I need to be happy".
I am sure this will get easier, but right now it is definitely hard to hold it together. My FEELINGS tell me that I want to cling to her, but my head, filled from knowledge here, it telling me to detach.
Funny how our emotions can take control. It is almost like OCD, where I read a great quote from Norman Doidge's book:
"I KNOW that if I don't straighten my house 20 times a day my mother will die a horrible death. I know that. But I FEEL like she will, and I feel it with every fiber of my being..."
I feel like this is the worst thing ever. But this is an opportunity to do things right, and become a better person.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Once a spouse goes wayward they build a wall and are resisting letting you IN...
Tell me about it. She is so disgusted with me that she can barely look at me. Her anger is so palpable about me contacting her "friends". In fact she told me tonight that she was just looking for "fun", something she says we never had in the marriage.
I am starting to see the point about not believing anything they say.
She's got so much "support" from her friends that it's like a man-hating group.
She will be away all next week, then home the week after, then away the week after that. If I can steer clear of her, and keep those other guys away, then I have 3 straight weeks of detachment to start with.
With respect to "support", I had to watch it happen myself. Went out so many times without me, with the ladies. Its like they didn't even realize she was married, just overlooked it. If I ever made a mention of it or a complaint, it was usually broadcast to that group and they would support whatever behavior and look at it like I was out of line.
The anger at you because she's cheating on you is something they do, its mental. Its real, you won't talk her out of it. To justify her cheating the female mind will usually make the husband as a bad guy. So you get to walk on the eggshells because your wife is cheating on you, doesn't sound fair does it? Experienced OM's know how to play this too. Some of the things that she says or does to you may be because of something the OM said to her.
Its why I said for know you are a bachelor. Its the correct state of mind, and in this state of mind you will have to look at it as thats not your wife right now. She is another woman who doesn't really like you very much and is nasty to you. This is a healthy viewpoint for you and will keep you from getting depressed. It is also a detached viewpoint, which you must have to be successful if you have any chance at all.
I will note something here for you QS... your wife isnt' looking at you?
There is guilt there, but she uses ANGER to suppress it.. this is classic psychology...
She has a lot of hurt and guilt in her, but as long as she focusses on hatred and anger she will not have to address the hurt or guilt... the more anger she has, the more guilt she has... it will eat away at her over time...
Just try to focus on setting an adult example so your exposure group will support you.. if you start fights with her and get nasty too no one is going to support you
