WAW EA told her to leave

[Onthemountaintop]

Oh...forgot the most important part...

I don't feel that bad about what I did/am quitting now. I KNOW that I will regret it much more later if she lets me. If she wants to hold on to her pain, well, "resentment and secrecy breed disease".

Who wants to live angry, guilty, or ashamed?

[DangerDave]

OTMT-

Thanks for opening up your stich for me - I really hope you can come back strong and work towards a good outcome for both of you - we both know this is a huge mountain to climb and it has to start with that first step!

As for my feelings about the EA - I really don't have any resentment at all (it was my actions that sent her that direction) and yes she is very stubborn as well! Since the EA isn't gnawing away at me I can pretty much shut it down in a compartment in my mind and lock it away. Things are very fragile day to day here and as I was told by another - "Is what I am saying or doing beneficial to the R or hurtful" So at this point "forgiveness" is an important issue and like medicine I'll wait until she's showing the signs of needing it!

Thanks again!

DD

[DangerDave]

Hello everyone again!

Well I just got over a roller coaster weekend and received a serious R phone call from the wife this morning and could use some help with my impending R talk she wants to have later tonight- arrgggghhh!

The weekend was a family only gather for our oldest S22 college - great job for him! Well dinner went pretty well with all, I was quite engaging and everyone had a great time, expect my W - she could not take the good natured joking with her and I had to remind her once or twice that it was all in jest - nothing out of the norm with all of us really, but mine were taken wrong naturally. The evening progressed at home with my S22 and I having a great history (his major)exam he was throwing at me and me doing an ok job fielding the questions, while my wife sat at the kitchen counter on her facebook. She asked at one point what we were doing and we told her - she felt uninvited and left upstairs - the rest of the kids S13, D15 came in and we sat for another couple of hours watching a standup show, laughing our *sses off, with her upstairs in bed.

I asked her the next morning when she got back from another 6 hour bike ride with her new friends why she didnt come down - "no one came and asked me" My s22 kinda laughed at her - not me! Sunday came and I made a spectacular meal - which is one of my 180's and made her favorite pecan pie that she had bookmarked in the mag she gave me. She had been pretty cool all day so I stayed the polite and distance path for the evening.

This morning I get the call, she wants to know the name of the therapist I found that I have NOT gone to - yet. He's pro-marriage that I found on these forums - I'm want to use him as my stop gap in CC, when she's ready to try. She asked me what was wrong with the one's through our HMO and I told her that you don't know their motivation, it's all about you and you being happy (along with only your side of the R story - didn't say that though) and that this therapist was a pro-marriage type. She went on to say that she wants someone to help her deal with me, not our R - that I'm not the same person she married and that I've been up and down with my moods - well I can say is the up and down is truly myself reacting to her moods - if she's up and talkative I'm all ears and engaging - 180 as well - if shes cold and distant I'm polite and distant- not sure if that's the right call or not.

Part two this am is that she still says that I don't get it,that I don't understand what she wants - I told her yes that I do, you want to leave. You have the money and you can (I think she is looking at renting a house right behind us possibly). She said she wants all of this to be friendly and I said it is what it is. She's afraid I will be very mean and nasty about it and she's scared of me.

Part three is that I have really been trying very hard to connect with our four kids another 180 - doing very well with two of them- well she says today that it seems I'm trying to rally them around me, told her that I'm their father and will be forever and there's nothing wrong with that. I know it's way late in life, but I hope to have a few more years left and I will be part of their lives regardless!

The tone I get from her is that she's jealous of me doing this with the kids- she's raised them all according to her and I should fall in line being the bad guy to them as well as her - I've caused the marriage to fall apart because of my emotional abuse towards her and she knows that if she is the one to leave, she will get the black eye initially, not me.

So god only knows what new bomb has been loaded for tonight R talk- all I know is I'm scared as hell that I don't blow it! I will stay cool - but I could really use some advice before stepping into the ring!

Thanks

DD

[DangerDave]

Oh her text message about the talk went like this:

Her: "If you would like to talk later, we can"

Me: " (First Name), I like talking with you, anytime you want to."

[Onthemountaintop]

Awesome...controlled, yet open~

[ShockedOne]

Just keep your cool. That is the one big piece of advice I can offer. Talk about what she would like to talk about, but don't let her corner you into an area where you attack. Keep it straightforward, the past is the past. This should be about the future, but don't come across as pursuing.

[DangerDave]

Greek, Puppy, Sandie2 - any takes on where I'm at?

[Greek]

She went on to say that she wants someone to help her deal with me, not our R

Dave to W: "Well, then you see the HMO C. I need help with a different issue. I don't go to a dentist when I need an ENT...but knock yourself out."

Part two this am is that she still says that I don't get it,that I don't understand what she wants - I told her yes that I do, you want to leave. You have the money and you can (I think she is looking at renting a house right behind us possibly). She said she wants all of this to be friendly and I said it is what it is. She's afraid I will be very mean and nasty about it and she's scared of me.

You are not obligated in anyway to alleviate her fears. She is scared b/c she wants a fantasy friendly D which isn't real life, therefore, she is afraid that LIFE will be mean to her. It might not go her way. And as Puppy is fond of pointing out, they put that "v" in the middle of the last names for a reason. Dave, you do have a bulldog L, right?

Part three is that I have really been trying very hard to connect with our four kids another 180 - doing very well with two of them- well she says today that it seems I'm trying to rally them around me,

She's mind reading. Point out to her that she cannot possibly know what your motivations are for reconnecting with your children. But if she's interested, here is the reason:

I told her that I'm their father and will be forever and there's nothing wrong with that. I know it's way late in life, but I hope to have a few more years left and I will be part of their lives regardless!

The tone I get from her is that she's jealous of me doing this with the kids- she's raised them all according to her and I should fall in line being the bad guy to them as well as her - I've caused the marriage to fall apart because of my emotional abuse towards her and she knows that if she is the one to leave, she will get the black eye initially, not me.

Here comes Real Life.

So god only knows what new bomb has been loaded for tonight R talk- all I know is I'm scared as hell that I don't blow it! I will stay cool - but I could really use some advice before stepping into the ring!

You are doing a fine job staying focused and clear and measured. Do not let her throw you. Listen more than you speak. Be compassionate. Be in control of Dave. Be strong and observe those boundaries.

Let us know how it goes.
Greek

[DangerDave]

Thanks Greek - you're a great guy to have in my corner - I need a good cut man! As to the v and bulldog L , well you have me on that one but I get the rest of what you're saying!

Round 4 and the scorecard is a no decision at this point!!

Thanks again,

DD

[DangerDave]

just got it - vs.! and no lawyer yet... to early in the fight I think - and really she can have half of everything anyway - including the debt in this state !!