Just because you use the word "we" it doesn't necessarily mean you are validating your W.

If I may say something...

I am going to guess you are an officer of the law of some kind (based on your username). Would it be okay to assume in your line of work the way you deal with people is short answers and to the point information? I ask because it seems that is how you communicate all the time. Like when a suggestion is made to you, you always say "understood".

It has been pointed out to you that you and your W have a very, very unhealthy dynamic. You do not treat each other as equals. She treats you like a servant and you treat her like a child. And now the "child" is lashing out and things are only going to go downhill.

I know you are trying and I think we can all really see that but it seems you are trying in a way that is not working. There are so many books out there that clearly spell out the male/female dynamic and the different ways men and women communicate. Why not pick up a few?

I do agree that IC would do you a world of good. It is very easy for an outsider to see the very unhealthy dynamic the two of you have but I gather to you it seems somewhat normal.

You keep going out of your way for your W (EX: wanting to bring her lunch) and she is rude and ungrateful then you get offended she has reacted that way. SHE ALWAYS REACTS THAT WAY! So, the solution would be to stop doing things until she decides to change. It should be a huge red flag that she can say thank you to a bus driver but not somebody going way out of their way to bring her lunch.

There are many, many issues in your R that will have to be dealt with or else you will go crazy. Your W's chronic fatigue is something that must be addressed. It is telling she is a vegetarian and always tired. It is not at all uncommon for vegetarians to have chronic sinus and allergy problems due to the high amounts of dairy products they consume. Your W has little incentive to go get checked out because when she is sick you coddle her to no end.

I know this is tough and a total life change on so many levels. I know you are trying but I am not sure you are applying things in the most effective manner.