2 weeks left to DB

[newmama]

am just feeling so drained..received another email from WH saying how loves OW, and how much he loves the baby. How we have "years!" to resolve our issues and 'differences'. He also told WH he will "fight" for access to see his baby (WHAT A TURNAROUND FROM A FEW MONTHS AGO WHEN HE SAID HE WOULD FIGHT ME ON NOTHING.
HOW THEY CHANGE ONCE THE BABY ARRIVES and they biond!!!)

Why would he need to fight? You aren't preventing him from seeing his daughter!

I was happy for him to bond if he was going to stay here and co-parent with me. How can I be happy if he has bonded and yet he is going to live o/seas & not help me at all (except financially, he says) and want to just DROP IN and see her once a year, and want me to take photos of her and send them to him, etc?????

I don't know how he can make you share moments and send photos of her! Your BIL or another of his relatives can take pics and send them! He is the one who is choosing to move to the other side of the world- leaving you two for OW. He is NOT understanding the magnitude of this and how much he is disrespecting you!

His signs of with this:
"I will miss my beautiful daughter very much, and I am already wearing the pain of being apart from her ...
But I also know that me being an incomplete and regret-ridden man will not make me a good father to her".

OK so this is very confusing: he thinks that by NOT running away with OW, he will be incomplete and full of regrets. WOW- just wait until he finds that when he does run away with OW, he is still the same! But his regrets will change to no be not staying with his daughter and rebuilding things with you, his wife!

So, off with the guilt he says, and to the life i want!!

yes all the waywards seem to have this mentality! What I don't get is why they don't realize they are unhappy until the OW enters the picture...oh and then they rewrite history to say they have been unhappy for years!

so they don't bother going through marriage counseling while they were supposedly "unhappy" or telling us, or even filing for divorce. WHen OW comes along, they agree to go to counseling and say "sorry but I tried. I still don't love you the way I used to and I don't think there is anything I can do stay motivated to saving the marriage." Then they throw D around; sometimes filing, sometimes completing the divorce.

I am speaking of so many of these cases I have read about or seen!!!! So many similar components!

[newmama]

I am really feeling stuffed tonight... I feel so TRAPPED.

Again, it is so convenient of our H's to have an MLC or to have an affair around the time they are about to become fathers! They subconsciously feel it is "safe" because we aren't going to run off with someone while we are pregnant and not while taking care of a newborn!

Piano, keep going. Some days will feel tortuous for sure, but just do your best to fill your life with activities for you and D and for now, that could mean just going for a walk.

Every time your H comes to see your D she will be so vastly different from the last time! (when he begins to fly from Europe, I mean)

And gee, how is he going to feel when he sees another man is cuddling her and helping to raise her? Because if he doesn't get his act together, he will lose you.

[Piano]

Thanks NM for being there! Your SIL's story is quite amazing... how are they doing today?

I don't know why WH is worrying about access. I have given him unlimited access, more than I am required to do. I guess things are so bad between us he's worried that might end.

He absolutely doesn't understand the gravity or magnitude of the situation... I wrote him today telling him I wish he would just leave and let me do this alone. That I grew this little girl in my stomach, day after day, during hell inflicted by him, and that IN SPITE of him, baby and I are alive and well.

He told step-father he wants to do better than his father. I am now starting to think how lucky MIL was that her H walked away..and didn't hang around an make life harder!!!

Cannot believe he is flying back there for 9 days to see OW and for jobs. He will also undoubtedly catch up with our best friends.. I guess I am about to see who 'sides' with who....He will surely be doing damage control before he moves back there for good.

The best thing for me today is to recover from this is for me to find a new husband and a new father for the baby. Of course, this cannot be rushed, and I have no idea how to go about meeting someone, but I guess I'll figure that out in due time.

I am really worried about the name + surname. Both have become highly politicised by the whole family.

[newmama]

He told step-father he wants to do better than his father. I am now starting to think how lucky MIL was that her H walked away..and didn't hang around an make life harder!!!

I know...why did I work so hard to get WH to bond with S? I should have talked him into leaving!! I can relate in a different way.


About the surname...if you get remarried, and your new husband is there 100% time, where WH drops in every now and then, will your new husband end up adopting your daughter? Is that legal over there? Would you be able to give your daughter his surname?

The reason why I ask all these questions is because at birth, I had my biological dad's last name. My parents divorced when I was 2ish. My mom remarried when I was 4. My bio dad dropped in once in a blue moon, so when I was 7 my stepdad "adopted" me and then I took his last name.

[Babydoll]

I still haven't named the baby.. have another 40 days.. hate WH so much at the moment don't want her to have his name but am very worried about making a life-long decision based on hatred! what do i do? I am so confused !!

for right now do nothing... be grateful that you do not have to make a decision today. I know easier said than done. But i promise it will come to you. Do not make a decision out of anger. try not too... i know that sounds impossible, but you have 40 days to feel comfortable with her last name. No matter which you pick, she will be yours entirely and will always have a part of your H too (sorry). I do still have hope for your sitch and should things turn around, you can always change her name if you choose to name her after you. Just a thought.

received another email from WH saying how loves OW, and how much he loves the baby.

PUKE (about OW) WOW (about the baby).

He also told WH he will "fight" for access to see his baby

What is is idea of being a father to the baby? Did you ask him what his ideal situation is? maybe you should? Find out what he wants... pictures? email updates of the baby? If he is not in town, he doesnt have many options and especially in the beginning you have control over the situation.

I hate him, people, I hate him.

I am really feeling stuffed tonight... I feel so TRAPPED.

(((Big Hugs))) You are allowed to hate him and feel angry. just please take care of yourself and do something good for yourself... I hate that you are going through this and feeling this way

[Babydoll]

Newmama, cant believe that story about your SIL!

[newmama]

P-The reconciliation process is rough on my SIL but she feels things are moving upward. When she has triggers and hard days, her H isn't always patient- he gets tired of her bringing it up. He wants her to forgive and move on.

BD-Yes, their story of R shows it might be several false starts before making it. This seems very realistic.

[Piano]

Hey there BD!
Well, I have asked WH what he thinks being a father is, and so have 2 pyschologists, and he can't get his head around it. He's happy to be a long-distance father.
What does that entail?
Well, noone really knows!!
Some suggestions have been visiting once a year, calling & emailing for news and photos, paying child support, and perhaps Skyping with her.

Of course this is all bullsh!t fathering...and given she is a newborn, what good is skype to her? And how does he think he is going to acheive all this when things with me are soooooo bad & it all needs to pass via me?

[Piano]

Have been emailing WH a lot.
Getting things off my chest.
The inconistencies in his reasoning.
I know it's bad BDing, but I don't care.

He tells me he knows in his heart, mind and soul that he needs to live in Europe, regardless of his love for OW.

I am like, we all wanted to live in Europe. Why don't you dump OW and have the baby and me?

The fact is, he wants OW not his baby.

He wants a NEW life.

one without me, responsibilities, fatherhood.

I am really gutted and feel like the future is a black hole...

He is going to see our best friends and family in Europe...what is their reaction going to be.

Did I mention he is going for 9 days (to see OW and to go for jobs), then coming back before his mother arrives here (she's coming from overseas for a month or two to meet her grandchild), and then he's going to go back to Europe again.

I wonder what will happen with OW in those 9 days.

And how he will explain himself to our loved ones, face to face.

And who is going to accept him.

That last bit really scares me.

His mother was due to stay with me while she is here. Then my family sort of went off the idea because they think i shouldn't have to worry about accomodating her. But i think it would be good, don't you? OW knowing that me, BIL, and MIL are living together while WH is not.
It would show that this family is solid and she's on the outer?

[newmama]

Yes, P, I think it would be good to stay solid with WH's family. Not for the sole reason that it would bug OW but it will be a nice "side effect!"

You will be able to use the support, and it is more pressure against WH and OW!!!!

BTW if you choose to have your WH's surname somewhere in your daughter's name then it also represent his side of the family, don't you think? BIL, grandma, etc.?

Instead of the future being a black hole, change it to a vision of bright, starburst galaxy. Make it wide open! You never know what will happen. And if I can do it, you can do it. (like the people say in the weight loss commercials, haha!)