I exposed the affair to his parents and contradicted the lie he told his boss and our common friends at work right after he left that it was "a mutual decision" - and when I found out about the bimbo, I told the common work friends that he had been screwing her while we were married and that is why he left.
It seems to me that on some level he is still trying to deny what he did - it seems to me that he pretends (despite KNOWING I know that he's living with her and banking with her, just 6 weeks after leaving me) that this situation with his beer waitress isn't real. He doesn't volunteer the info to anyone (old friends see him and he pretends all is well and doesn't tell them what he's done) and he has denied to our neighbor that he left me. I saw him for the first time in 6 weeks yesterday and he acted like he'd just had breakfast with me and all was well, smiling broadly, really staring at me, trying to get me to look him in the eyes, admiring my outfit, calling me "hon" and telling me how good I look and asking (repeatedly) if I need a ride -- and seemed surprised, puzzled and almost offended that I turned down his offer, preferring to walk. He also (just yesterday) returned something to me with a note, which he signed "Love, [his name]."
In his emails, which he has been sending a lot of lately, he's full of compliments - about my brains, my integrity, how I'm kind and good. He told me he learned so much from me, that I'm principled and live according to my values and most people don't. (For instance, he can't believe I *liked* turkey and tuna and cheese steaks as a teenager, but since I became a vegetarian based on my feelings about animals, I won't eat these things anymore.) He's very protective of me, too; when some lies spread about me by his ski bum hero got back to me, I lost it (I think the only time) and called him and told him to shut down the liar. He became furious at this situation and said (then and wrote later) that he would never let anyone say anything bad about me. He told me how sad and how hard it was to separate on two occasions now, the latest yesterday (and also told the same thing to a friend and confirmed he said this yesterday in an email mentioning her.)
Then a while back I got a call from said ski bum about how after a separation, after the dust settles, people can get back together - strangely enough on the same day as the convo he had with my friend about how he misses/loves me, thinks we'll reconcile, and that the separation has turned out to be GOOD for me because whenever he passes my house I'm not home (so he's checking), that I look great, etc. So, there seem to be SOME positive signs.
But - I keep reminding myself - the REALITY is that he is living with the bimbo, has a bank account with her, and has said and has *done* NOTHING to indicate any change is in the offing.
I wish I could say I didn't still miss him and love him, but I do. I have done all the things MWD says to do and I haven't chased or begged or pursued, only answering mails from him except for a few banking questions. I don't know what to do... The link posted at the beginning of the thread is interesting - I guess by telling him, as MWD recommends in her MLC video, that I would be willing to listen if he wants to talk, I've done what I can without doing the things MWD says we shouldn't, like pursuing.
Any advice/suggestions?
Discovered OW1: 1/10, H refused to talk. H moved in w 1st OW: 3/10 H cheated on OW1: 12/10 H left OW1, moved in w OW2: 4/11 D: 9/11 Still miss H. Don't understand, H just left, never even talked w me.
My point isn't that she's acting like a sleazy anything.
My point is analysis about what is going on in a WS head while she's in the fog and WHY she's doing what she's doing will make you ill and drive you crazy...
at the end you will be tired, sick, with a night of effort wasted chasing your imagination into unhealthy places it should never have gone in the first place
Go do some work and get your head out of the affair
I think you two are talking about 2 different posts....I'm confused!
It is really hard to deal with a WS. They look and sound (well mostly) the same as always, but they are not the same person they were Pre-A. It is hard to accept, but an alien really HAS taken over. Thread after thread here BS's are fighting this notion and try to reason and believe someone now incapable of logic or truth. Drug addicts usually have altered appearance and a change of speech patterns (ie slurred or slowed) so you KNOW you are dealing with someone differently. WS's appear sober. They are not! They will say and do anything to protect their supplier. They will say and do anything to make what they are doing 'ok' in their head (justification and rationalization are the 2 most common distorted thinking patterns they develop) They will say and do anything to make what they are doing someone else's fault (Blame-shifting)
NM Thanks for posting this. That site has some good stuff from a WS's POV. It is too overwhelming for me to navigate tho!
Last edited by WhatNow; 06/12/1005:07 AM. Reason: really bad spelling
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I wouldn't call it anything.. its USELESS to do so... it doesn't HELP the situation it just makes it worse...
I don't know, Alan. If somebody is acting up and acting out in a way that neither they (under better circumstances) or any reasonable person would support, the thing to do is to just let them have their tantrum without you being present, IMHO.
The thing to do when things are out of control is to state your boundary (e.g. "I am not going to discuss this until we can do this calmly") and leave.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/12/1001:53 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I'm confused, as well. There seems to be some contradictions between the 180, going dark, and what you are saying. My WH and I haven't spoken or seen each other in 4 weeks. He is living with the OW. By my daughter's opinion, he has lost so much weight and looks like a bum or drug addict.
Now he's trying to use the grandchildren he ignored x 3 months to validate his relationship with OW. (daughters won't let him visit w/grands if OW is around. )
