W and I had intended to go grocery shopping yesterday but ran out of time. W was going to work without lunch. I, like a pursuing nitwit decided to pick w up something for lunch and had planned to meet up with her before work.
I got tied up on my job. W was at work called me for an eta but I was 15min out. W could not wait cutting it close. I told w I had picked her up a lunched and hiped to meet up and get it to her.
W was talking about how she had to park in other lot ect...I then heard w say "thank you" but very faint. I asked w what she had said and she replied "I said thank you to the bus driver for opening the door up"
I felt completely disrespected. I told w that I would let her go and the call ended.
I set myself up on this one and did not expect for her to overlook my gesture.
I need to know.
A. When she gets home from work do I bring it up and if so what do I say?
B. Do I let it go and let it be a lesson learned?
C. Something else.....
I know some will say "why do you keep doing these things for her" and your right but as stated in past w is a vegetarian and has special diet she cannot just go anywhere and get something to eat. I can't imagine her going a whole work day without eating so I decided to do this...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
"your right we cannot do this together its best we hire someone" and inject negativity? We can't do yard work together because w wants to give up
Not only don't you listen, you read what you want to read as well.
I said, "You're right. It would be easier to hire somebody" (I hear you) and keep on working.
You have a problem with that. You are not her parent. You sure as heck aren't mine. If you don't want to hear about why it is unhealthy to take on a parenting role with your own spouse, that's fine with me.
There's a line between being a responsible adult and taking on a parenting role for your spouse that you keep crossing, and it just isn't healthy.
Can you see a family therapist (pro-marriage) for individual counseling?
When she says something, try to validate it every once in a while. That means you have to listen. No second guessing, no fixing, to teaching.
Definetely none of this "Are you sure you only want to invite your family?" stuff. It's like telling her she doesn't know what she feels.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Bare with me here, I am doing the best I can. I am reading/making all these posts from a blackberry screen.
Maybe I am reading too much into these posts that somehow I thought I was saying the right things.
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Just for the future something along the lines of "W, I think it's possible if WE work TOGETHER".
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No negativity during this process, no assuming, no snotty comments and make it all about the two of you working together!
I thought I was doing this by saying the following
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W then made a comment about hiring someone to do it and I said "I understand why you would say that but we'll get it done, just one step at a time and when we're done it will feel good because we did it ourselves."
My words were meant/intended as validation and understanding and then I was making it all about us two working together.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Just because you use the word "we" it doesn't necessarily mean you are validating your W.
If I may say something...
I am going to guess you are an officer of the law of some kind (based on your username). Would it be okay to assume in your line of work the way you deal with people is short answers and to the point information? I ask because it seems that is how you communicate all the time. Like when a suggestion is made to you, you always say "understood".
It has been pointed out to you that you and your W have a very, very unhealthy dynamic. You do not treat each other as equals. She treats you like a servant and you treat her like a child. And now the "child" is lashing out and things are only going to go downhill.
I know you are trying and I think we can all really see that but it seems you are trying in a way that is not working. There are so many books out there that clearly spell out the male/female dynamic and the different ways men and women communicate. Why not pick up a few?
I do agree that IC would do you a world of good. It is very easy for an outsider to see the very unhealthy dynamic the two of you have but I gather to you it seems somewhat normal.
You keep going out of your way for your W (EX: wanting to bring her lunch) and she is rude and ungrateful then you get offended she has reacted that way. SHE ALWAYS REACTS THAT WAY! So, the solution would be to stop doing things until she decides to change. It should be a huge red flag that she can say thank you to a bus driver but not somebody going way out of their way to bring her lunch.
There are many, many issues in your R that will have to be dealt with or else you will go crazy. Your W's chronic fatigue is something that must be addressed. It is telling she is a vegetarian and always tired. It is not at all uncommon for vegetarians to have chronic sinus and allergy problems due to the high amounts of dairy products they consume. Your W has little incentive to go get checked out because when she is sick you coddle her to no end.
I know this is tough and a total life change on so many levels. I know you are trying but I am not sure you are applying things in the most effective manner.
I am going to guess you are an officer of the law of some kind (based on your username). Would it be okay to assume in your line of work the way you deal with people is short answers and to the point information? I ask because it seems that is how you communicate all the time. Like when a suggestion is made to you, you always say "understood".
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am typing from a blackberry, it is tedious and finger cramping so I try to be brief when given the opportunity.
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I know you are trying and I think we can all really see that but it seems you are trying in a way that is not working. There are so many books out there that clearly spell out the male/female dynamic and the different ways men and women communicate. Why not pick up a few?
Any recommendations?
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I do agree that IC would do you a world of good. It is very easy for an outsider to see the very unhealthy dynamic the two of you have but I gather to you it seems somewhat normal.
I have but unfortunately I do not have the financial support to go on a consistent basis.
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Your W's chronic fatigue is something that must be addressed. It is telling she is a vegetarian and always tired. It is not at all uncommon for vegetarians to have chronic sinus and allergy problems due to the high amounts of dairy products they consume. Your W has little incentive to go get checked out because when she is sick you coddle her to no end.
There are many factors that contribute to my W's chronic fatigue. My W does not consume dairy products. My W has been a vegetarian sine the age of 7. Here chronic fatigue is something we've (me my W and her doctor) has dealt with since day one of the past 10 years (nothing new). FIL and other family members in W's family have the same medical condition but unfortunately nothing has helped remedy the situation.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Is her chronic fatigue autoimmune in nature? I ask because I have an autoimmune disease and they can be VERY hard to diagnose.
Just a suggestion but if your W does get yearly blood work she might see about getting an ANA test along with the regular CBC panel.
Without a diagnosis one can't know how to remedy the situation and it doesn't sound like she has a firm diagnosis. The problem with chronic fatigue and other autoimmune disorders is most family dr's are not equipped to deal with it. But without a proper diagnosis a specialist won't see you. I dealt with that for years. Nine years to be exact.
What are the factors that contribute to your W's chronic fatigue?
Just because you have the opportunity to be brief it doesn't mean being brief is always the best response.
IMO practicing a different type of communication skills here (or in your social circle sans W or with your family or co-workers) can serve you well when you do choose to communicate with your W.
