Question

[awest1217]

So H's birthday today, and I text him at midnight to say Happy Birthday. In the morning, he said thank you for that and how did I remember he always wanted a midnight birthday text. I really didn't remember it until he mentioned it, but I will take credit. On the same text, he tells me he has been throwing up all night (as always) and just wanted me to know. In other words, I don't want to come over so I want to make an excuse where you will tell me not to come over.

I told him ok and if he doesn't want to come over just say it. He asks if I am angry and I said yes because he does this all the time. We plan something and he gets "sick".

He ends up coming over in the morning and for lunch instead of dinner, but he doesn't feel well so won't eat anything so I didn't eat either. He wanted to do everything, like clean up around the house, make me lunch, etc. I didn't get that at all. He even made his own brownies for his birthday, which he ate one and then felt really sick.

Pretty much completely uneventful and stupid. He is still supposedly "sick", but I could care less. It is events like this that make me want to tell him to not talk to me anymore.

Oh and to make matters crazier, he has psoriasis on his scrotum and I saw something on TV about a new laser treatment and text him how I thought that was interesting. He responds no lasers near his balls (understandable), but then I said all that may happen is like when he uses creams it will make him not able to have kids (we found that out as I couldn't get pregnant while he used the medicine, but once he stopped we got pregnant right away with S). He said that at least with the medicine he just has to stop using it to have another kid, and I said if you ever want to have one.

I don't know. I am just so stupid for even trying anymore. I knew this would happen and I know I need to just kick him to the curb, but I can't. I am scared. It isn't like he is a husband or even a boy friend now. We don't ever do anything at all so I have been alone for over a year. I don't understand why I can't just tell him to leave me alone. I don't know if it is the fact that I don't want to cut off any possible hope, or what. I don't want to D. I don't want to cut him out, but he doesn't deserve me. I do so much better when he isn't in the picture. I just don't know. I think now that I have my major projects done, I am feeling lonely because although it is nice to have a break, it gives me a lot of down time like tonight, and it should be spent with my H on his birthday even if he is sick. I should be taking care of him, but I can't, and I have to just let him go.

[awest1217]

I now know why I can't move on...because i will never be able to because H will never let me. Let me explain. H's youngest brother, BIL who hates me, had a GF who I became good friends with. She finally broke up with BIL after he treated her like H treated me. (she just graduated high school). She was very mature about everything and even sent BIL a nice e-mail before he found out through mutual friends that she was dating someone else. Now 4 months later, he won't leave her alone. She has blocked his number from her phone and now is going to get a restraining order. He just wants to get back together with her because "he has changed" and he doesn't want to loose her.

She told him on numerous occasions they could be friends, but he now crossed the line and won't leave her alone. I know if H and I did get D'd and I find someone else, he will do exactly the same thing. Although just like his brother, H will continue to act exactly like he always has, he will continue to pop up in my life and ruin any chance of any other healthy relationships, and the worst part is that I can't ever get rid of H. I can't block his number or anything else because of S. This is why I just stay. I stay so that I don't have to worry about him bothering me when I find someone else. At least this way...I have hope he may come home (although in my mind I know that will never happen and even if he did we would never have a healthy relationship, but in my heart I hope) and I don't have to worry about him bohtering me.

The venting from before, I got over it as soon as S and I sat to watch some TV together so it goes away very quickly when I remember I have S to help me, but if I moved on...I would not only be hurting myself, but also S, and any other future guy I might meet.

[awest1217]

Stayed up with my friend until 5 am...that is really early/late for me, but it was fun to be young again...lol

Tiring day since i stayed up late, but it was fun. I am doing much better, and H is back to not texting me so all is normal with the world. I made H's father's day present online so I sent it to him so I don't have to worry about really seeing him.

My friend confronted the BIL. I was there waiting in the car to make sure he didn't try anything. She wasn't very harsh with him, but he said if she wanted him to leave her alone that he would. She felt closure and has been happy the rest of the night.

I saw an old pic of H from a few months before our wedding. He looked really good. He had a tan from the summer, and was just looking very happy and healthy. Now he is fat, sickly, and never looks happy. Very sad, but it brought back sweet memories of the past and how much I did make him happy and how sad leaving us has made his health deteriorate so badly so quickly.

Looking forward to a good week. Tuesday is another park. Monday nothing yet, but we will do something. Wednesday S has an ear check-up for the tubes. Thursday I may invite my grandma to the house. Friday nothing. Saturday is a busy day and then Sunday is father's day and another week gone, but I am really enjoying my time, and compared to last year only half a day of sadness compared to every day last year. Doing much better

[awest1217]

Didn't sleep last night...Two very very bad dreams. One about H and him going completely psycho. I have my nephew to watch in just a few minutes, and I am so tired.

Semi busy week ahead...nephew today, park tomorrow, nephew Wednesday/S has a ear recheck, possibly grandma on Thursday and Friday will be a free day...

[Lucky11too]

I think you completely nailed it above. Even if our H's don't want to be married to us right now, they don't want anyone else to have us either, so therefore won't let us go. I could exactly see H sabotaging any future R as you said above. It's easy to say that we just need to cut them off completely, but it's such a super tough position b/c we have our S's. I wouldn't change having S for the world, but it sure does make it tricky in dealing with H. I think you're doing the best possible given the situation. You try to give H the benefit of the doubt once in a while to recheck the temperature of the R, but ultimately, you are doing your own thing and living your own life. We have put so much into our H's for basically our whole lives, so it's hard not to try to nurture any hope.

So do you really think H is sick that often or is it only excuse? You're right, that he is "sick" all the time! If it's not just an excuse, then something has to be really wrong with him! I hope he looks into that more before it kills him.

Sounds like you have a lot of fun things going on. You are so lucky to get to spend the summer with S, so definitely enjoy it! I hope all goes well with your newphew today! =)

[ClingingToHope]

I don't know. It sounds like there's a little fear there. Just keep all doors open in your life. If by some miracle H grows up then that door is open. But why close the door to everyone else?

If someone great comes along who totally falls for you then he'll be more than willing to put up with H and anything he might pull.

I am on a totally opposite side of things here, but I will second what Lucky said. I don't know of any man who wouldn't be hurt when their ex-wives or wives they left behind found someone else and was with someone else. Even if we don't want to be with you, the vast majority don't want you to be with someone else.

I've thought about how I'll react when STBXW dates someone -- she may have already although I don't think so. I know it hurt when I had my suspicions. When you've been with someone you don't want that person to be with anyone else -- period.

I didn't leave. I wanted to stay and fight for the M. Now that I've been gone and realized how little I was getting out of the relationship I see things much more clearly. Still, it doesn't mean that I'll ever totally get over STBXW and not have it bother me she is with someone else.

I remember my dad never, ever, as far as I can remember, badmouthed my mom even though she paraded through a series of men after the D.

The more I travel down this path, the more I admire him. I always thought of him as weak because drinking got the better of him. But he never trashed my mom and she trashed him all the time.

Sorry for the tangent.

[TimeHeals]

I am on a totally opposite side of things here, but I will second what Lucky said. I don't know of any man who wouldn't be hurt when their ex-wives or wives they left behind found someone else and was with someone else. Even if we don't want to be with you, the vast majority don't want you to be with someone else.

Meh... don't think so. If you move on--doesn't matter if you left or were left behind--you just don't care in that way anymore. Why begrudge somebody happiness if they really find it? And why ponder if it is real? Doesn't matter.

Now, if you have kids ... then you are more invested because if they make horrible decissions, it affects your kids.

[awest1217]

I don't know with me if I am totally leaving the door open for H or not. I think it is more that I am trying to protect S. I now see more and more how all of the men in that family are and I don't want S to turn out like them. H has pics on his iPod and computer of half-naked women and with S getting older, the last thing I want is for him to see those at a young age and fall down the path that H took. The pics are not that bad, but the problem is that H was having virtual sex at the age of 13 and hasn't stopped. He makes avatars in virtual worlds to compartmentalize, but there is my problem right there. I don't want S around him doing that because I don't want S to get addicted at a young age and then....well he becomes his dad.

Only one boy in that family truly respects women and I don't want S to learn that. I want him to learn to respect women. He is already opening doors for me and other women. He is getting a little mouthy, but is a normal 2 year old...however whenever he gets in trouble he cries for two minutes then comes and cuddles with me to say sorry. I am teaching him morals and how to respect everyone so that is why I leave the D alone. Right now H only sees S when he wants to, and honestly I think he only sees S when he wants to mess around with me (which I have stopped doing so he doesn't ever come around). After seeing H's old pic where he looked so happy and healthy, I realized I am still in love with that H and that H doesn't exist. The H now is unhappy and sickly so although I promised to love no matter what and I do...I am holding out hope as much because he will never be that happy healthy person again.

As for H, well he is back to not talking to me again. Nothing new and this time I am going to try as I always do to keep it that way. I text him Sunday night/Monday morning when I had the nightmare about him. I was really scared, to the point where I almost when to my brother's house at 4 am with S, but after praying a bunch, it went away. I didn't tell H everything about the dream, but I told him the big stuff and he never responded. I asked if he was ok because I never have dreams like this where they aren't triggered by an event or something I watched. H and I had just been talking about his old dreams (which I also realized he doesn't care about anymore and doesn't really want me to be involved in), and I watched S's movies.

Yesterday morning, H text to say he was ok and was going in to work every day this week (nothing new since he never thinks about anyone, but himself). I said have a nice day and I haven't heard from him since. Not a long time, but I doubt he will text me anytime soon. I am going to text him either today or tomorrow because I got a bill for him so i am going to tell him to start changing the address on all the paperwork that is his because I am tired of being the postman. i don't want him to fill out a change of address card at the post office because then the mortgage stuff will go to him since he is primary on the mortgage, but I don't want his pay stubs or his bills coming here anymore and since he isn't trying to work things out with me or really figure out anything besides work, he might as well put his parent's address down. I am sure he will just say ok. Next month I will let him know to find a new car insurance because I am not going to have him renew his insurance under me when we don't live together and haven't at that point for almost 1.5 years.

Park today, doc's tomorrow, nothing Thursday or Friday now, but I will find something. It is supposed to be hot and sunny THursday so definitely swim for S Friday maybe walk the mall. Saturday I have family stuff and sunday Father's day. H will get his gift at his parents Thursday.

[awest1217]

Very proud today! I found out that the high school I work at made Newsweek's list of best high schools in America. It is such an awesome honor. I love working at the school that I do because it isn't your typical "good school". We have a very diverse group of students with a very large number of students who are disadvantaged, many are in gangs, have drug problems, are new immigrants, teen parents, etc, and through that our students know that we expect a lot from them, and they meet those expectations so one day they will move up in the world. Very very proud!

With H, nothing from him again today. I decided to send him a text about the bill I got and to make sure he changes the address. He didn't respond, which I expected so that is that. I may hear from him in a week or two, but I honestly doubt it.

S's doc's appointment went well. His tubes are looking great and he is not having to go to the doc every other week so all positive from last year.

Rest of the week I don't have much to do, but it is supposed to be hot so a lot of sitting by the kiddie pool and maybe getting a tan...not really because I don't tan, but a little color would be nice.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, I get what you are saying about trying to protect S. At this point (unless H continues to show significant change, particularly in regards to his drinking), I don't want S around him more then necessary b/c I don't want S to turn into him him either. Sometimes I feel like the longer I can keep S away from his solo custody (as thru D) the better it is in these first crucial years when a child really develops and their character forms. This is where it goes back to you have to do what's best for you and those who you love most (S), despite what others may think. I think for yourself though, you are going to have to find a happy medium where you don't cut the idea of a rec out completely, but still find a way to protect yourself from H's ups and downs and ins and outs. That's a tough one b/c it seems like any part you leave open is also left open to hurt.

Congrats on your school. That is super exciting! =) Well, enjoy your weekend...and the kiddie pool! =P