Need help Busting Affair.

[Allen A]

OK, that's a good sign... BUT.. don't hug him.. he's looking for you to OK what he's doing and HUGGING him on the way OUT to mount another woman is NOT helping you...

NOW... the great stuff...

1. You spoke UP about him cheating - A+
2. You did it in PUBLIC - Bonus points!
3. You stayed calm and challenged him - A again
4. You set an example for honesty and transparency - A again

I don't know how you answered his "what if's" so I can't comment on those

Note : An apology is NOT an apology if you walk right out and do it again five mins after apologizing...

Do NOT make HIM FEEL BETTER about what he's doing...

You did great stuff, i graded it above for you!

But

1. You hugged him - E
2. You accepted his apology? - E if you did

You want to detach, that means you do everything you did above and got top marks for and do NOT let UP...

Hold BACK your emotions...

You state facts and hold back.. remember Mr Spock? Ever see Mr Spock hugging anyone?

overall good.. keep up the exposure, and what you did tonight was exposure, even if they already know, do it AGAIN

and AGAIN

and AGAIN

Don't let up... Until HE DOES

[Allen A]

Overall good sign, but do NOT SOFTEN his GUILT...

and his anger tonight WAS his guilt, your comment triggered it out of him...

Do NOT LET him apologize, do NOT hug him... LET the GUILT BEAT HIM UP...

Let me say that again

His guilt is beating him up.. Let it RIDE

Do NOT soften his guilt for him... He wanted to feel ok about what he was doing and you accpeted an apology, hugged him and then he ran off to cheat...

You helped him fend off his guilt enough to go out the door...

Let his GUILT SMOTHER HIM and EAT him ALIVE

He wants YOU to treat HIM as the victim.. he wants YOU to SPARE him those guilty feelings by letting him say "im sorry dear" and giving him a hug on his way out the door...

Don't do that, no matter how nice he gets..

You can give him a verbal affirmation

"Now you sound like an adult"

"Now you are sounding like a father"

etc

but that's ALL he GETS

[Allen A]

If he tries it again

Go.. go out that door and destroy your daughter and your marriage... I am going to stay here and protect it like an adult

or

Don't even try starting an argument. We both know you're heading for sleaze... I am NOT going to make you feel any better about going... You made a commitment to a marriage and a daughter here.. you want to walk out on them you do it and own it... I am NOT going to allow you to start a fight to justify walking out that door... its YOUR SLEAZY affair.. own it and go



And of course you walk away after saying it

[elvencat]

I don't know how you answered his "what if's" so I can't comment on those

1. "What if I quit talking to OW, I feel like she's a big part of my support network. What will I do instead."

We need to be each other's main support system. That is how a marriage stays strong. We can explore this more together so you don't feel isolated.

2. "I still do not want to go to a marriage counselor. What if I did and he tried to tell me what to think."

Marriage counselors aren't supposed to tell you how to think. If they do, they aren't good and we need a new one.

3. "What if we worked on our marriage. What would change?"

We'd learn how to effectively communicate to each other so that we can deal with any issues as they arrise and also so that we can know for sure that we are enjoying each other and our daughter together as a family.

1. You hugged him - E
2. You accepted his apology? - E if you did

1. hugging... yes... weak moment.... won't happen again until he shows me he's through with OW.

2. Not directly, but did say Thank You for admitting to starting the fight. Is that still an E or closer to a C- or D?

Ever see Mr Spock hugging anyone?

Didn't really want that mental image, but no.

[Allen A]

lol

[Allen A]

Thank you for admitting starting a fight is an A

You are praising him taking ownership of his choices, you want to reinforce that... You don't want to accept apologies for them, but you can praise him for taking ownership... Just make sure he knows an "I'm sorry" for his behaviour does NOT count for anything.

Your answers were quite good.. .the only one I would ADD is on his needing a support system :


When you want to repair a marriage you talk to someone trained to repair a marriage, OW is acting to DESTROY a marriage... that is NOT a support system... She's a one-woman a demolition team

You do need support, but you need someone trained to do that properly, she is not a licensed family therapist.. If she was she would have lost her license and be a pariah by now... Having sex with the people you are trying to help is an egregious violation of ethics and trust.


Those would be good too, but I am more than happy with your answer.

Just giving you a few more ideas... I always see a family therapist as a positive influence and an anti-affair person.

I told my wife when she was cheating

You talking to OM 40 hours a week and talking to a family therapist for ONE hour a week is NOT going to make a damn bit of difference in our marriage. Do the math.

I think you get the idea.

[newmama]

Elvencat, be aware that the OW will now (or already has) started to pull her manipulative BS to counteract what you have discussed with your H.

Tread carefully, don't believe him without checking sources. Like if he said he wants to go to counseling and has ended it with OW,

INSIST on no contact letter, full transparency, and you must snoop!

[elvencat]

You do need support, but you need someone trained to do that properly, she is not a licensed family therapist.. If she was she would have lost her license and be a pariah by now... Having sex with the people you are trying to help is an egregious violation of ethics and trust.

Said something similar to this once (thanks to one of your earlier comments), and he admitted he realize that she wasn't a neutral party who should be giving him support in our matters, so I think I'll keep reiterating in different ways until hopefully it fully sinks in.

I told my wife when she was cheating

You talking to OM 40 hours a week and talking to a family therapist for ONE hour a week is NOT going to make a damn bit of difference in our marriage. Do the math.

I like this... next MC convo, this will definitely be used.

Elvencat, be aware that the OW will now (or already has) started to pull her manipulative BS to counteract what you have discussed with your H.

Pretty sure she started this the instant he was three hours later getting to her house last night than he said he'd be.


So, today, all hell broke loose on Facebook. One of my friends posted on board.. H returned post.. so on back and forth. Wow it go nasty... the only problem is that FF (said facebook friend) attacked H for something that should not have been talked about - not having a job - aka dead beat.... problem is, H legitimately cannot work right now due to his health issues and is on disability. So, now I feel like I have to say thanks for the support, but.... any ideas on how to respond here?

[Allen A]

Talk to your friends privatley and ask them to EDUCATE your husband, and only attack OW

[Allen A]

Alot of people get confused when exposing affairs and trying to help and they just let lose on everyone... often more attacks go on the WS than the OP... this is a mistake